


Shadows and Starlight

by CrimsonShield75



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Not Canon Compliant, Pre-Canon, Slow Burn, Smut, Sort Of, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:55:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 52,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25104292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimsonShield75/pseuds/CrimsonShield75
Summary: Kaidan Alenko meets a young Madelyn Shepard on the worst day of his life -- on a bridge overlooking Vancouver. She helps him find his way back to the light.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko & Female Shepard, Kaidan Alenko & Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Shepard
Comments: 21
Kudos: 17
Collections: Mass Effect Big Bang 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> “Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing,  
> Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness; 
> 
> So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, 
> 
> Only a look and a voice, then darkness again, and a silence.” 
> 
> \- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "Tales of a Wayside Inn"
> 
> ***************************************************************
> 
> Special shoutout to MaxRev for all her hard work creating my images and the playlist, and to LauraEMoriarty for her awesome beta-ing! I couldn't have done this without you guys! <3 
> 
> Here's the master link for the artwork: https://maxrev.tumblr.com/post/622933543519174656/i-took-the-plunge-and-decided-to-join-the-mass
> 
> Enjoy!

****

And here's a playlist if you want to listen along while reading, though this isn't a song fic. :) 

* * *

**March 30, 2170**

_I’m sorry_.

That’s all there had been. No explanation, no reasoning, not even a list of demands or regrets, though Kaidan Alenko thought he knew what those would be. 

Just two little words. _I’m sorry_. 

Fuck that. Fuck Shelby. Fuck BAaT and fuck the Alliance, and for god’s sake fuck Vyrnnus. Kaidan’s hands clenched into fists as that turian’s face came into his mind. If he could kill him again, he’d be more than willing. He didn’t regret his actions one bit. Except…

Except. 

Shelby. And Rahna. 

But then his thoughts turned to Peter. And Koko and Carlos and Jae Moon…

He shook his head and sighed. So many senseless deaths. So many lives taken, for no need. 

He laughed mirthlessly. What was one more? 

He took a swig from the bottle of vodka he’d swiped from his parents’ liquor cabinet, tilting it back to gauge how much he had left. He’d drunk about half of it. 

He nodded to himself as he looked at the liquid sloshing around the bottle. Just a bit more and he’d be ready. He was starting to feel the effects, but his damn biotics metabolized the alcohol so quickly...and he wanted to make sure he was good and drunk for this. It’d be easier that way. 

Or so he hoped. 

* * *

Madelyn Shepard was shaken, which hadn’t really happened to her recently. Normally, the things she did for the Reds just washed over her. She didn’t let herself dwell on the specifics of any given job. If she did, she might question what she was doing, and questioning leadership was bad. 

She’d learned that the hard way. 

She’d been running with the Reds for a few months now. They were a good group. They took care of each other, watched each other’s backs. She even found a sort of friend or two, who’d share their food if she didn’t manage to scrounge up enough to have some left over for herself after paying the tithe. She could do a lot worse. Hell, she’d _been_ in a lot worse. So she didn’t want to do anything to piss off Charli or the others. And god help her if they got Deke involved. 

No, she wasn’t going to do anything to draw any extra attention to herself. Which was why she had to get out of there before she did anything stupid. 

For some reason, this last job got to her. No. Not for some reason. She knew the exact reason. But if she told anybody about it, they’d either laugh at her or beat it out of her. Neither of which interested her much for this evening. 

So she decided to take a walk, get out of their place, where people were celebrating and congratulating themselves on a job well done. It just...didn’t sit right with her, but clearing her head in the crisp early-spring air would allow her to gain the perspective she needed.

The night was quiet, and the sounds of the city carried on the cold night air, those of late-night transports flying by and the soft hum of waves crashing against the sea walls. The smell of the salt spray from the bay permeated her senses and the wet air coated her skin pleasantly. She hadn’t been in the city long, but already the humid, cool air felt comforting and familiar to her. 

She didn’t really know where she was headed; it was the pure action of walking that made her feel better and be able to think through what was bothering her. She’d been doing it for as long as she could remember.

To her mild surprise, she found herself taking the pedestrian path of Lions Gate Bridge. She hadn’t walked this way in ages. Normally it was too far north for her to go - she much preferred not to cross the harbour if she didn’t have to. But for whatever reason, her feet had carried her to the ancient and iconic bridge. Oh well, she didn’t mind the views. 

She decided she’d cross the bridge and then come right back over the other side. She didn’t really want to wander around North Vancouver too much, and it was getting late. She needed to get _some_ sleep before her next job tomorrow. 

She hoped it’d be easier than this last one. 

Madelyn was just coming up the crest of the bridge when she slowed down because she spotted a figure sitting on the railing, their legs dangling over the side and facing the water. They didn’t seem to be too concerned with safety, as they were barely holding on with one hand and seemed to be toying with a large bottle in their other. Madelyn watched as the person tipped their head back and took a deep drink. She almost started forward as they teetered perilously on the edge, falling backward then tilting forward, before they grabbed on to the bar more securely. Her heart pounded with anxiety for the figure, though it didn’t seem they were going to fall off - or jump - at that moment. 

She wasn’t sure if she could see that. She also wasn’t sure what she should do. 

Part of her wanted to go up to them and try to help - or at least get them the help they needed before jumping. Because the more she saw of their actions, the more certain she was that was their intention. But she wasn’t qualified and she worried she’d just make the whole situation worse. Then again, maybe she wouldn’t. 

She walked closer to the figure cautiously, thinking that if she came up too quickly, she’d spook them. Upon further inspection, she deduced the person was male, and he seemed to be on the younger side. She squinted as they turned their face into the light, which illuminated their features. 

She stifled a gasp. She knew that face. 

“Hey!” she said, brightly but not too loudly so she wouldn’t scare him. 

He startled anyway, turning to her suddenly and hiding the bottle behind his back. He seemed to relax a bit more when he caught her face. 

“Hey,” he said, a guarded tone to his voice. 

“This may sound weird, but, I think I know you,” Madelyn said, offering him a small smile. 

He quirked his eyebrow at her and tilted his head only slightly in her direction. “Oh yeah?” 

“Yeah,” she said, undeterred by his lack of engagement. “You’re Alenko, right?” 

At that, he turned toward her a bit more fully. He narrowed his eyes. “Yeah…” he said slowly. “Do I know _you_?” 

She shook her head, her smile growing a bit bigger as she took a step toward the railing. She still kept about a metre’s distance between them, but she leaned her elbows on the metal and gazed out at the lights of the city. 

“You’d have no reason to know me. But you came into our class once. I’ll never forget it. ‘How to Live a Fulfilling Life as a Biotic’ with...I’m sorry, I can’t remember your first name.” 

He stared at her for a moment, not answering, before taking another swig from the bottle. She watched him closely as he swayed a bit, but his grip on the railing was still pretty secure. 

“I’m Kaidan. And you still haven’t told me who you are,” he answered, slurring his words a bit. 

“Oh! Sorry,” she let out a giggle that she didn’t feel. “I’m Madelyn. Madelyn Shepard.” 

“Pleased to meet you Madelyn, Madelyn Shepard,” he said, turning back to look at the vista. They stayed silent for a few minutes. Madelyn wasn’t sure what to say. 

She was about to ask if he was okay when he broke the silence himself. 

“That class was for Alliance recruits. You’re a little young to be a recruit aren’t you?” 

“Yeah, I am,” she said, shrugging. “It’s a long story.” 

“I got time,” he said, taking another drink. 

“Do you?” she asked softly. She took the chance to face him a bit more fully. 

He chuckled, but the sound had no mirth to it. “I have time enough,” he answered. 

“Fine,” she said, eyeing him. “But if I’m gonna tell it, I’m gonna need some liquid courage. You mind sharing?” She nodded her head at the bottle of clear liquid in his hand. 

He glanced down at it, as if surprised it was still there and still had anything left to drink in it. 

“Uhh...sure, I guess. But if you’re biotic, this won’t do anything for you,” he said, handing over the bottle. 

She had to take a small step toward him to reach his outstretched arm. He didn’t seem to flinch at that, which she took as a good sign. 

She shrugged when she took it from him. “Eh, it’s sorta the act of it ya know? Comforting to feel the burn.” 

He nodded understandingly, then turned to look at her, his eyes squinting as if trying to focus on something far away. “Aren’t you a little young to know how to drink hard liquor?” 

She shrugged again, then took a swig of her own. It burned, but not like the stuff back at the Reds’. This stuff was pretty high quality. She held the bottle out in front of her and whistled softly when she read the label. 

“Holy shit, this is expensive. Where’d you get this?” 

He leaned over and grabbed the bottle out of her hand. “None of your business.” She held up her hands, palms facing him in a placating gesture. 

“You’re right, my bad. But, _fuck_ , that shit’s good. If I can afford it next payday, I’m getting some for myself.” 

He shook his head and looked at her again. “Payday? Who _are_ you?” 

“I told you, I’m Madelyn Shepard.” 

“No, I know but like…” he waved his hand in her direction, in a vague gesture that sort of encompassed her whole body. 

“I’m an enigma?” she provided, chuckling a bit. 

“Yes!” he exclaimed, throwing one leg over the side of the railing so he was straddling it and could face her completely. 

_“Step one accomplished,”_ she thought. 

“Who... _what_ are you?” he asked again, looking at her closely. 

“Well, you guessed the ‘what’ pretty accurately - I’m a biotic. A human biotic, as I guess that needs to be specified now, though...that’s fairly obvious. Although I guess I _could_ be an asari spy with dermal projectors…” 

She knew she was babbling, but she also knew the more she got him to talk and the more she gave him to think about, the less chance there was of him taking his own life. 

He actually laughed a little, and the sound was filled with more amusement than his last one had been. Another good sign. 

“I’m human,” she finished with a dramatic turn. She gave him a little bow with a flourish. “Human biotic Madelyn Shepard, at your service.” 

“Who’s way too young to be in an Alliance recruitment meeting,” he stated. 

“Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong,” she said, smiling as his brow furrowed. He handed her the bottle again. 

“Explain.” 

“Gladly,” she replied as she took another swig of the smooth vodka. “God _damn_ , I can’t get over how good this shit is.” 

He chuckled again. It made her happy how much she was getting him to laugh. “Is it really? I actually don’t have much experience with liquor myself. I…” he rubbed the back of his neck then dropped that hand to casually hold onto the railing. “Okay don’t laugh,” he said, fixing her with a stern look. 

She crossed her heart with her finger. “I swear I won’t.” 

He studied her for a moment more, before seemingly deciding he could trust her. “I stole that from my parents. They don’t normally drink the stuff - they’re more dark spirits people - so I figured they wouldn’t miss it. And I don’t really drink myself, except for the occasional whiskey with them. And beer.” He smiled again. “I do like some good lager.” 

She smiled back at him, a cautious expression as she was trying to get a handle on his mental state. 

“Mm beer’s good though. Like I said, this shit’s just to feel the burn. Though this burn isn’t as... _caustic_ as the shit I normally drink. It’s still just for the feeling though. Wine and beer - that’s the good stuff. That’s the stuff you can enjoy the taste of, even if it doesn’t get you drunk. And the good thing about beer,” she took another sip from the vodka, “is that even the good shit’s cheap. So I can actually afford it. And it doesn’t hurt as much when I gotta give half of it up.” She laughed to cover her mortification. She couldn’t believe she said that out loud. She needed to be more careful. Maybe the good shit had a higher alcohol content that was actually getting to her. 

“Give half of it up?” He looked at her with an inquisitive expression. “You got a sibling you split everything with?” 

She laughed again. Why was she turning into a giggly mess? What he said wasn’t funny. 

“You could say that. It’s...complicated.” She began pacing. 

“Seems like everything about you’s complicated,” he said softly. His tone wasn’t derisive though. It was almost...kind. It took her by surprise, so she turned to look at him and - to her pleased surprise - noticed he had swung over his other leg, so he was perched facing her and, more importantly, the road. 

_“Step two, check,”_ she thought. 

“You’re not wrong,” she said, taking another sip. She held out the bottle to him and he took it, but didn’t drink. 

“So explain it to me,” he said. 

“Like I said, it’s a long story. And it’s late.” She checked her watch. Shit, it really _was_ late. She was going to be royally fucked for the job tomorrow. She hoped she could sneak a stim before she had to leave in the morning. 

“But I wanna know.” Kaidan said the words so softly, she wasn’t sure she heard them. She glanced up at him and saw the openness on his face. His eyes weren’t exactly clear, but they were less dead than they were when she first walked up. She chanced a step toward him.

“And I wanna tell you.” She hoped she effectively conveyed her sincerity. “But that complicated life comes with responsibilities that I can’t shirk. If I do...well, let’s just say that I’m gonna need to come up with a new word to describe my life. And it’ll probably not be as pleasant.” 

“Oh,” he said, turning away from her. 

She took another cautious step toward him. 

“Hey, Kaidan,” she said, and he raised his eyebrows as he looked at her. “I want to tell you, I do. But I just can’t right now. How about tomorrow night? We can meet someplace, maybe have a bite to eat, or a beer? And I promise I’ll tell you everything about my wild, complicated life then. Will you meet me?” 

“I…” he trailed off, glancing back at the water. Then he turned back to her. “Tomorrow?” 

“Yeah, tomorrow.” 

“Promise it’ll be worth my while?” 

She smiled at that, a real, genuine smile. “Oh, Alenko, you have no idea.” 

He smiled too, briefly, then glanced down at the concrete beneath his dangling feet. He sat there quietly for a few moments, and Madelyn didn’t say anything either. She knew he was weighing the value of her offer. After a minute or two, he let out a controlled breath and looked up to meet her eyes. 

“I’m gonna hold you to your promise.”

She nodded, aware of what those words meant, and echoed the sentiment back to him. “Well, you won’t know if I’m lying or not unless you show up, will you?” 

He laughed at that, a true sound of amusement. It was soft, but it was real, she could tell. “Touché, Madelyn.” He hesitated for just a moment, before jumping off the railing and crossing over to her quickly. He grabbed her arm and put his information into her omni-tool. 

“Send me a message tomorrow about when and where,” he said. 

“Will do!” she said brightly. “Which side? North or south?” 

He paused for another moment before answering. “South.” 

“Me, too.” She nodded her head toward the way she came. “Wanna walk back with me?”

“Uhh…” he looked uncomfortable for another few moments as he seemed to consider it again. She just stood there, waiting patiently. She knew she had him, but was waiting for his brain to catch up to his instincts. 

“Okay,” he said finally. He handed her the bottle of vodka. “Finish it off?” 

“I’ll take some, but leave the last bit for you,” she said, grabbing the bottle and taking a quick sip before handing it back to him. 

They began walking down the path. 

_“Step three, check,”_ she thought, trying not to smile. 

They walked in silence for the next few moments, before Madelyn noticed Kaidan was just staring at the last bit of vodka. He hadn’t drunk it, but he didn’t seem to just be holding on to it either. 

“Everything okay?” she asked.

He looked over at her, startled, as if he had forgotten she was there. “Oh, yeah, everything’s fine. It’s just...no one’s really been that considerate to me before.” Madelyn just cocked her head to the side, showing her confusion. “The vodka. You made sure I was able to get the last sip, even though I offered the whole thing to you. You didn’t have to do that. You could have just taken it. That was...kind of you.” 

She laughed, then quickly quieted herself as she took in his stricken expression. “Sorry! Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh at you. It’s just...remember what I told you about sharing? It’s ingrained in me, I guess.” She shrugged. 

He smiled at that. “Guess so. Interesting.” He drained the bottle, then threw it over the railing. She didn’t hear it hit the water though.

“Where’s the splash?” she asked, furrowing her brow. 

Kaidan looked over at her and gave her a somewhat embarrassed expression. 

“I can’t bring myself to pollute the bay. I care too much about it.” He chuckled as he biotically lifted the bottle back to him. 

“How’d you do that?” she asked, shocked. 

It was Kaidan’s turn to shrug. “Just caught it in a stasis field. Kinda handy when you want the satisfaction of throwing the bottle into the water but don’t _actually_ wanna cause any environmental harm. I know, I know, I’m weird.” 

“That’s so cool!” she said excitedly, staring at the bottle. “I wanna be able to do that!” 

He laughed. “I could teach you.” 

“Really?” She turned to him, not even trying to hide her enthusiasm. 

His expression fell fairly quickly. “Umm…” he hedged, as if remembering who she was. “Maybe. Depends on how good your story is.” 

“Okay, Mr. Alenko. I see you,” she said. “Well fine. I hope my story is _worthy_ of your efforts.” She wasn’t unaware of the double meaning behind her words. 

“I’m sure it will be,” he said quietly, trying and failing to subtly look at her out of the corner of his eye. She could tell he was gazing at her. And she didn’t really mind.

“No pressure,” she joked, hoping to alleviate some of the tension. She wasn’t sure if it worked, but they fell into a comfortable silence as they continued walking. He kept the bottle biotically lifted and floating alongside them. 

“Doesn’t that drain you?” she asked, nodding to the hovering bottle. 

“This? Nah, not at all. In fact, I need to use my biotics a bit every day, or else I get a wicked migraine. Static buildup or some shit like that. I dunno how it works exactly. All I know is that if I don’t use my biotics, my head pounds. Which isn’t to be confused with the pounding migraine I get if I use my biotics _too_ _much_.” He laughed again, though that sound was significantly less joyous. 

_“God, no wonder he wanted to off himself. Seems like his life’s rough,”_ she thought.

“I...don’t have that,” Madelyn said, somewhat confused.

But Kaidan just nodded. “You’re an L3 aren’t you? I was ‘lucky’ enough to have the L2 put in.” He made air quotes with his fingers when he mentioned being lucky. “Causes significant neurological damage if you aren’t careful. Which would have been nice to know... _before_ they inserted the tech into my brain.” 

“Yeah, I just got mine a few months ago. It’s weird how much more in control I feel with it in.” She wanted to distract him from thoughts of the terrible side effects of his implant, just in case that was the reason he was sitting on the edge of the bridge getting drunk. 

“Just wait till you get an amp,” he said, smiling slightly. She relaxed a bit at the sight of his expression. All of a sudden, though, he frowned again and turned to her. She tensed up once more. 

“Wait, how old are you? You have an implant already? Aren’t you a little young for that?” 

She smiled, as his confusion was understandable. She _was_ too young for an implant. But she was a special case, so she was given dispensation to get one early. 

“I am,” she said, coyly. “But that’s just another part of my complicated life tale. Patience, my young padawan.” She cringed at the ancient joke she used, sure Kaidan wouldn’t get it, and prepared to explain it, as she had done so many other times. 

But to her immense surprise, Kaidan looked at her with his eyebrows raised in his own shocked expression. 

“You know Star Wars?” he asked. 

“ _You_ know Star Wars?” she countered. 

They stood staring at each other for a few moments before simultaneously bursting out laughing. She continued walking again as she tried to control her mirth, happy to see Kaidan seemingly trying to do the same. She was glad he could still laugh like that. 

He was the first to get himself under control though, and the first to speak. 

“You really _do_ have a complicated life story,” he said, still chuckling. 

She smiled and wiped away the tears that had formed in the corners of her eyes. “Told you,” she said with a quick wink. 

They laughed again and she found herself overcome with a sense of happiness. She was glad her feet took her this way tonight, glad that she decided to approach the mysterious figure sitting perched on the bridge’s railing, glad that she seemingly knew the right thing to say to keep him intrigued enough to want to live, if only to hear her life tale. And she was glad she knew she could back up her claim. 

They spent the rest of the walk to the end of the bridge and through Stanley Park talking about Star Wars, their favorite characters and sagas, and which films of which sagas they thought were the best. She had to admit she was enjoying the conversation immensely. She didn’t often get to talk about her love of ancient films. 

The rest of the walk passed by quickly, and sooner than she wanted, they reached the street corner where she had to turn to get back into Reds’ territory. 

She stopped walking and Kaidan faced her. 

“I think this is where we have to split, as much as it pains me to end our fascinating discussion,” she said. “I’m that way,” she pointed her thumb over her shoulder, indicating the road to their left. 

She tried to be casual about the direction she was going, but Kaidan was too smart for his own good. He furrowed his brow slightly, as if confused why her place would be that way. She guessed he probably grew up in this city, if he knew what she wasn’t saying. 

“Want me to walk you back? It’s late, and I don’t mind - ” 

“Nah it’s fine.” She tried to give him a reassuring smile. “I’m used to it.” 

“You sure?” 

“I’m sure.” 

She could tell he wanted to say more, but thought better of it. She relaxed slightly. She couldn’t bring him anywhere near their place. She didn’t want the Reds to get wind of him and do something she’d regret. It would just be better this way. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, though, right?” she asked, trying to brush over the awkward moment. 

“Yeah,” he said, finally looking at her in the eyes. She tried to convey to him her thought process. She wasn’t sure, but she thought he nodded just slightly, as if he understood what she couldn’t say. 

“Don’t forget to message me the time and place,” he said, smiling. “I’ll be waiting.” 

“Good,” she said, offering him her own grin. “And I won’t forget. Promise.” 

They stood there silently for another moment or two, as if neither of them wanted to say goodbye. But they had a date for tomorrow. Well, not a _date_ date, but a scheduled rendez-vous. It gave them something to look forward to. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Kaidan,” she said, turning to go. 

“Tomorrow,” he echoed. He waved his hand in farewell as she started walking down the street. After a few moments, she turned around and saw him standing there still, watching her. Well, now she had to take the long way back so he wouldn’t be able to track her movements, but she didn’t mind. She was just glad he was watching. 

* * *

Kaidan gazed at her until she turned down a sidestreet and out of his sight. Even after she disappeared from view, though, he stood rooted to the spot, wondering at his situation. How had his night turned out like this? 

He shoved his hands into his jeans pockets and turned down the street that would bring him to his house, something he never expected to do again. What would it feel like? To step foot in a place that he thought he’d left behind for good? 

He was prepared to say goodbye, prepared to give it all up...he’d had nothing to live for. His parents, sure they loved him, but they didn’t _understand_. Shelby was the only one who did. And now he was gone. 

Kaidan’d meant to join him, he really did. But then…

He smiled as the image of Madelyn Shepard came into his mind. She was something else, an enigma that he needed to figure out. He liked puzzles; it gave his mind something to work on. And god knew he needed that. Needed to have his mind stop racing over Shelby’s fate. 

He shook his head as he replayed the night’s events, not even sure when he decided not to kill himself. But he did, because she was there. Was she even real? He glanced at the empty bottle of vodka still floating next to him. He’d forgotten it was there. He didn’t _feel_ like he’d drunk a whole bottle by himself, so she must have been real. But still…

He sighed as he turned onto his street and his house came into view. He thought it’d feel strange, to see it again, but it just felt...the same. It still felt like home. 

He was still mulling the Shepard enigma over in his mind as he scaled the trellis to sneak back into his room. She still preoccupied his thoughts as he hid the empty bottle in his closet, not wanting to lose it, just in case it still wasn’t real. And images of her accompanied him as he drifted off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Kaidan Alenko

* * *

Kaidan woke the next morning nervous but excited. Thanks to his biotic metabolism, he didn’t have a hangover from drinking two-thirds of a bottle of vodka, but he still felt like he’d been hit by a truck. He was emotionally drained and it was physically affecting him. His head was pulsing slightly and he felt bone-weary, even though he got a full night’s rest. He wanted to do nothing more than climb into bed again. 

But then Madelyn’s face poked its way into his thoughts and her smile lit up his mental room, and he knew he could get through the day. At least long enough to meet her. Then maybe he’d find his way back to the bridge. 

He spent most of the day in his room, as he’d been doing ever since he got the news about Shelby. He knew it was a regression, that he had returned to the bad habits he fell into when he got back from BAaT. But this felt the same, so it made sense he’d treat it the same way. So much loss, so much tragedy...and all his fault. 

He was spiraling into a depressive state again when his omni-tool alerted him to a message. He looked at it confused for a moment, wondering who would be messaging him, when he saw it came from an unknown sender. 

Madelyn! 

He quickly pulled it up. 

_Hey! Hope you’re doing well today. Why don’t you meet me at Triumph at say...1830? Lemme know if you need directions. See ya then!_

He smiled, almost able to hear her voice in the written message. Triumph. Yeah he knew that place. It was a brewery right on the bay. They were known for their fantastic beers and had some decent food. 

For the first time in a long while, he was excited. He felt a surge of energy he hadn’t felt in what seemed like ages and he actually wanted to get up. A warmth tingled throughout his body, emanating from his head all the way to his toes. It made him almost bounce with anticipation.

And for the first time in longer than he wanted to admit, he took a shower and actually prepared himself to meet Madelyn. 

**************************************************

Around 1800, he left his room via his door and not his window, which was how he’d been sneaking out these past few weeks. He headed downstairs and waved to his parents, who were watching tv together.

“Hey Dad, hi Ma. I’m heading out to see a friend. I shouldn’t be back too late,” he said, stopping in the doorway to the living room. 

His parents tried and failed to hide the bewildered look they exchanged. Kaidan suppressed his smile. 

“Uhh, sure,” his dad said. “Have a great time, Kaidan.” 

“Will do!” he called. He let the smile break out on his face as he turned from them and heard his mom whisper to his dad, “Did you hear him taking a shower?” 

He couldn’t help it - he chuckled as the front door closed behind him. 

He made it to Triumph about five minutes early. He wasn’t sure if he should grab a seat without her or not, so he just stood outside the entrance, deciding it was probably better to wait for her out there. If she even showed. He was uncharacteristically nervous about the whole thing, but the butterflies in his stomach were a welcome change from the existential dread that was normally there. 

To his surprise, she showed up, and she was right on time. He saw her coming from down the street, and waved to her. She looked...well, honestly, she didn’t look that much different from last night. Her curly brown hair blew slightly in the wind and covered her brilliant green eyes. She wasn’t dressed much differently either. She had on jeans and sneakers, both somewhat worn, but that didn’t matter. She wore a grey and red sweatshirt and had her hands stuffed in her pockets. She must have been cold. The wind off the bay _was_ a bit chilly; and though she didn’t wave back, she did nod at him and give him a smile. And that was honestly enough. 

“Hey,” he said, offering her a small smile back. 

“Hey,” she returned. And for some reason, his stomach flipped in anticipation and his palms began to sweat. Why was he so nervous? 

But just like last night, she kept her cool and acted like nothing was out of the ordinary in how he was behaving. She was amazing like that. 

“So, you been here before?” she asked conversationally. 

“Uhh, yeah a few times. I don’t live too far from here, actually,” he said, stepping back to let her walk ahead of him. 

“Oh yeah? So you got a view of the bay, huh?” 

“Yeah,” he said, smiling in spite of himself. He paused as she tapped her preferred seat assignment into the computer. “It’s actually one of my favorite things about home,” he continued as she began leading him to their table. To his immense surprise and happiness, she headed up the stairs and brought him to one on the second floor veranda. The open air and a view of the ships. He couldn’t ask for much more. 

“It’s kinda a lot like this,” he said, sort of embarrassed as he took a seat. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt like telling her that bit of information flaunted his parents’ wealth, and he didn’t want to make her feel bad. 

But then again, she did mention she had a job last night, so she couldn’t be _too_ hard up for cash. But then _again_ , she seemed way too young to actually have a job - 

He interrupted his own thoughts when he realized she was staring at him with a bemused expression. She must have asked him a question and he was too caught up in his own thoughts to hear what she said. Shit. 

_“Good going, Kaidan,”_ he admonished himself. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, grimacing a bit. 

“No worries,” she replied, smiling and putting him at ease, before he even had to explain himself. “I just asked if, since you’ve been here before, did you have a favorite beer?” 

“Oh yeah,” Kaidan said, excitement taking over his mortification. He grabbed the kiosk off the table. “Do you mind?” he asked, gesturing to the screen. 

“Not at all, I trust you,” she said. She winked as she did so, but still, the words gave him pause. For whatever reason, he got the inkling that she didn’t say that very often. And it made him swell with pride that she’d said it to him, even if they were just in passing and over a beer selection. 

“Want anything to eat?” he asked. At her hesitation, he thought about offering to pay, but didn’t want this to be considered a date. Cause, it wasn’t a date. Right? And him paying would put it squarely in the date category. Which this wasn’t. 

Finally, he figured out how to solve that particular conundrum. “You know, the nachos here are huge. If you want, we can split an order? I’m not too hungry myself.” It was a lie, and she would know it. Just like he would know she would be lying if she told him she wasn’t hungry. Biotics had to eat, even if they weren’t actively training. Their metabolisms just burned through the calories so quickly. 

“Sure,” she said. He swore he saw some tension loosen in her shoulders. He let out the small breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding as he keyed in their order. He hoped that by the time it came to order more food, she would have gotten comfortable enough with him to let him put it all on one check. 

“You’re gonna love this beer,” he told her, trying to move past any lingering awkwardness. “It’s local, and it’s made from a barley that’s grown hydroponically, which completely changes its aromas. Beers are a result of their environment, you know? Like soil composition and atmosphere. So you can brew the exact same beer from the exact same plants, but if the plants were grown in two different environments, they’d taste completely different. The pH balance and mineral content really do affect how the aromas are formulated.” 

He fell quiet as he realized he was babbling. He looked over at her and saw she had an amused expression. 

“Sorry,” he murmured. 

“Nothing to be sorry for,” she told him almost immediately, shrugging. “It’s kinda cool to see someone with a passion for something.” 

“Do you not have passion for something?” he asked, regretting the words as soon as they left his mouth. He hated the flirty connotation to them. That wasn’t his intention and he hoped she understood that. 

Her face seemed to be guarded as she shrugged. “I do...but it’s kinda hard to pursue it with my whole...situation.” She waved her hand in the air haphazardly. 

“Fair enough.” He paused for a moment, trying to find the words that wouldn’t make this situation worse. Finally, he decided to go with the safest, if not the most direct, route. 

“So if you didn’t have anything holding you back, and could pursue any passion...what would you do?” 

She raised an eyebrow but didn’t appear to be too put off by his question. She stayed quiet as she seemed to be thinking about her answer. 

“If I could do anything I wanted...anything at all?” she asked. 

“Yeah.” 

“Hmm…” she placed a finger on her chin thoughtfully. “I think I’d want to teach.” 

“Teach?” It was his turn to raise an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, teach. I kinda like school and learning, and education is the basis for a successful life…” she shrugged again. “I dunno, it’s stupid. I’d never be able to do it anyway.” 

“It’s not stupid,” he rushed to assure her. “And why wouldn’t you? That seems like a fairly simple career to get into.” 

She reached across the table and poked his hand that rested on the flat surface. It was a simple touch, but it caused an electric shock to run through his arm. He knew that feeling, but it’d been...well, it’d been too long since he’d felt something like that. 

“Biotic, remember? We seem to have our lives planned out for us before we’re even born,” she stated. She didn’t have a disappointed tone to her voice, but Kaidan got the feeling that there was something more she wasn’t telling him. Just another piece to the puzzle. He added that information to his limited understanding of her. 

He chuckled. “Tell me about it.” 

Memories from BAaT floated to the surface, but he pushed them down, not wanting the moment to be ruined. Thankfully, his melancholy mood was able to be lifted, for a bit at least - their beers arrived. 

He smiled as Madelyn picked up her glass and sniffed it. He did the same, ensuring it was how he remembered it. It was. 

She looked up at him. “It smells so...fresh. Is that even the right word to use?” 

He nodded enthusiastically. “That descriptor’s not too far off, no. I know it seems weird to say, but the hydroponic growing process gives it kinda a... _clean_ feel, if that makes sense.” 

“Clean!” she exclaimed softly. “What a way to describe a beer.” She laughed quietly. “Well, shall we?” 

“Yeah,” he agreed. But before he could take a sip, she held out her beer to him, seemingly wanting him to toast her. It was strange, but he raised his own glass. 

“To Scheherazade,” she said, with a wink. He gaped at her for a moment, not quite understanding the reference, but not wanting to seem out of touch. Pop culture references went over his head a lot of times. 

“To proving Longfellow wrong.” He clinked his glass with hers and took a sip, hopefully before she could process what he said. He licked his lips satisfactorily. Yeah, that was just as good as he remembered. Crisp, clean, refreshing, with just a hint of apple. Delicious. 

She took her own sip. He watched her process the taste as she looked at the glass in her hand. “Damn that’s good,” she said once she swallowed. “What’s this called again?” 

“Summer Solstice.” 

She appeared to consider that as she took another sip. “It’s fitting. Reminds me of a lazy summer day. Very refreshing.” 

“Right?” Kaidan said, shifting in his seat to sit up a little higher. “That’s exactly it! It’s like when everything’s going to shit around you, this is a little bit of a respite. Gives you a small glimpse into what a non-shitty life would look like.” 

He paused at her expression. It had turned into one of intense scrutiny, and it was directed at him. It made him uncomfortable. Damn him and his mouth. He shouldn’t have said all of that. 

Then again...he had a feeling she knew what he was planning when she talked to him last night. Maybe she was wondering if he’d go back tonight. He had to admit he was wondering the same thing.

But instead of admonishing him for his thoughts, or worrying over him, she stated simply, “I get that.” And looking at her, he kind of thought she did. 

“So now that we got the beer out of the way, what do you say we start on that life of yours? You promised me it’d be worth it,” he said. 

“That I did.” She chuckled as she took another sip. “Fair enough. Let’s see...well I guess the first thing to start with is sort of what you guessed last night - my age. I _am_ a bit young to have an implant. And to be in an Alliance recruitment session. I’m 15.” 

“What?” he exclaimed, a bit too loudly. Thank god there wasn’t anybody near them, or else he was certain he’d have received some dirty looks. He dropped his voice. “You’re only 15!” 

She shrugged. “Yeah, but I’m almost 16. And I’ve been around, so, ya know. I’ve been told I act mature for my age.” 

He stared at her and she met his gaze, not flinching or turning away from what he knew was a penetrating look. He didn’t know what he was looking for, or what he was trying to accomplish even, but he just needed to see her - needed to make sure of... _something_. Then an idea struck him. 

“Wait, you aren’t allowed to drink that.” He pointed to the beer. “I knew you were young; I shouldn’t have even ordered it for you.” 

She shrugged and pushed it toward him a little. “Take it away then.” She maintained eye contact with him, but not in a challenging way. In an open and honest way that he appreciated. 

He thought about what he should do with this information. Really, he should insist that she stop drinking and order her something else. But then his mind flashed to an image of the vodka bottle hidden in his closet. If he knew she was 15 last night, would he have not given her the bottle? 

He considered that question. For her part, Madelyn just sat there, looking calmly at him. She didn’t drink any more and honestly didn’t seem bothered if he insisted she stop. On the other hand, she had somehow convinced the VI she was old enough. If she managed that, who was he to tell her she shouldn’t partake? 

He pushed the glass back to her. “Just...don’t tell me how you fooled the VI. I don’t think I wanna know.” 

She chuckled as she picked the glass back up and took another sip. “Fair enough. That’ll be one part of my story you won’t get.” 

He raised an eyebrow and was about to comment when the nachos arrived. 

“Excellent!” she exclaimed. She immediately began to dig in. He laughed softly, wondering when she had last eaten. At that moment, he decided to let her have whatever she wanted, and he ordered a burger for himself.

“So, now that you know I’m 15, I’m sure you have a bunch more questions,” she said, stuffing a chip covered in cheese, beans, and sour cream in her mouth. Her lack of concern about how she appeared was endearing. 

“I grew up on Earth, though that’s probably not a surprise. Didn’t grow up here though. I was born in Sacramento. Don’t know my parents. I was dropped off at an orphanage the moment I was born, or so I was told. Got shunted around from foster family to foster family, all of them shittier than the next, just using me for a paycheck.” She said all of that nonchalantly, but it broke his heart to picture a young Madelyn used and abused. She continued, “Eventually, I got tired of it, so I ran away. Joined in with a couple of groups and just...ended up heading north. Made it to Vancouver about six months ago and fell in with - a decent group of people.” Kaidan knew she had stopped herself from saying the group’s name, even though she covered the hesitation fairly smoothly. So there were still gonna be some things about herself she’d keep hidden. Kaidan didn’t know why, but that made him somewhat happy. 

“Glad they’re a decent sort,” he said, trying to test her response. 

She smiled, and either chose to ignore what he said or didn’t understand it. He believed it was the former. 

“So yeah, I’ve only been here about a half a year. Survived my first winter, though. I’m happy it didn’t snow that much,” she continued. 

“Yeah this winter wasn’t too terrible,” Kaidan agreed. 

“I don’t _mind_ snow, but I’m not super into it,” she told him, shrugging. “So anyway, yeah got here about six months ago. And, well…” she laughed softly. “I guess you can tell by now I grew up on the streets.” She looked at him and he nodded. “So I can assume you know I haven’t always been on the right side of the law.” 

He glanced at the beer in front of her and she laughed again.

“Fair enough,” she said. “Well...when I first got to Vancouver, I didn’t really know anyone or what I was doing...I wanted to fall in with this specific group, but they don’t just take _anybody_ , ya know? In order to get their attention, I had to do something big.”

“How big?” he asked. 

Her eye twinkled as she took another big bite of nachos. His burger had arrived and he began eating it. She didn’t comment on it; in fact, he didn’t think she even realized he had gotten something else. 

“ _Really_ big,” she said. 

“So you had to do a really big, illegal thing? What, like steal a car or something?” 

“Or something,” she said, letting the silence fall. She took another bite, drawing out the suspense. He didn’t give her the satisfaction of telling her how much he wanted to know what she did, though she could probably tell by his expression. 

After a few more bites and a sip of beer, she went on. “I got it into my head that I needed to make an impression. Like a _really big_ impression. So I decided to break into Admiral Horace’s house.” 

“You _what_?” Kaidan nearly choked on his own sip of beer. 

Madelyn just shrugged. “I didn’t know shit about the Alliance. I didn’t know who he was or what position he held. I just heard the name walking down the street. Some soldiers were complaining about his managerial methods, so I decided he’d be the one to take down a notch. Sneak in, steal the nameplate off his desk, and sneak back out again. Nothing too terrible, but enough to let him know he wasn’t untouchable. People _could_ get in his place without him knowing. I dunno, I just wanted to teach him a lesson or something.” She shrugged. 

“Or something,” Kaidan repeated. “You just up and decided the head of the Alliance needed to be taught a lesson?” He shook his head. 

She shrugged again. “What can I say, I’m precocious.” 

“You can say that again,” he muttered. 

“I’m precocious,” she said, winking at him. He blushed a bit. He hadn’t meant her to hear that, not really. “So I did my due diligence, scoped the place out, found the weaknesses in his security. I only took two others with me, one to scout and one to boost me over the wall. I’m short,” she said by way of explanation. He still couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “And a small team gives you a smaller chance of getting caught.” He nodded. He knew this from his own Alliance training. But it seemed she just...inherently knew this stuff. It was strange, but also compelling. 

“So were you successful?” he asked. He needed to know. 

She laughed, taking yet another nacho. “Nah man. I mean, I successfully _infiltrated_ , but I was a dumbass and didn’t realize that I’d have to sneak _back over_ the equally as tall wall from the inside. Of course the people I was with wouldn’t have told me - no one _wanted_ to sneak into Horace’s compound. So I got into his place, into his office even, and made it so close to freedom, only to be stymied by a wall.” She chuckled to herself and shook her head, almost as if the memory was a fun one now. “Like I said, dumbass.” 

It was true that she should have thought that through, but the fact that a 15-year-old was able to successfully infiltrate Admiral Horace’s compound...that place had state-of-the-art security. He wouldn’t even attempt it without at least three different infiltration teams and a plethora of backup ready to swarm in and support him at a moment’s notice. 

“So what happened?” he pressed. “You got to the wall and realized that you wouldn’t be able to climb it...did you get out a different way?” 

“Nah,” she said, draining the last of her beer as the replacement round he’d ordered arrived. She handed her glass to the server with a smile and eye contact. Not even a hint that she wasn’t old enough to be drinking. Damn, that girl had guts. 

She noticed his staring and shrugged once more. “It helps if you act like it’s no big deal. Makes ‘em think you know what you’re doing. Works every time.” 

“Every time?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. He was fairly certain her thoughts also returned to last night and how she had saved him. 

She nodded at him with a serious expression. “Every time.” 

“I’ll have to keep that in mind,” he said, softly. She smiled. 

“So, back to what happened with my completely thought through, nothing-could-go-wrong plan.” He laughed and she winked again. 

His heart sped up a little at that. God, she was something else. He gestured for her to continue, picking up his own new beer. 

“As you might have guessed, my escape didn’t go so hot. I got caught by his guards almost immediately.” 

“Damn.” 

“Yeah.” 

“You get in trouble?” That was a dumb quesiton; of course she got in trouble. It was Admiral Horace they were talking about. The man wasn’t known for his compassion. 

“Actually,” she said, and his eyes snapped to her at that. Maybe his question wasn’t so stupid after all. 

“I did get into...sort of trouble? I was brought into Horace’s office where I met with his chief of staff. Guess a little B&E didn’t warrant bringing in the big guns. But more than anything, Jimenez wanted to know how I got in. That’s all he kept asking. He brought in Horace’s head of security to go over all the holes I’d exploited. And he laughed when he realized how I’d gotten caught.” She sighed dramatically. “If only I wasn’t so short.” He smiled. “Anyway, they grilled me for what felt like _hours_ , and then finally the big man himself came in and talked to me.” Kaidan raised his eyebrows again, but didn’t interrupt. “Turns out they were sort of impressed with how I got in.” She smiled softly. “They weren’t exactly happy that a 15-year-old had broken through their security, but they were more interested in the ‘how’ and the ‘why.’ They seemed to think I was a spy or something.” She shot him a half smile. “Told ‘em I wasn’t no spy, that I was just breaking in for shits and giggles.” 

“And they believed that?” Kaidan asked. 

“Hell nah,” she laughed. Kaidan found himself chuckling along with her. “They wouldn’t take my explanation. Said there was no way a girl my age would just ‘happen’ to choose the chief admiral’s house. And I said that was true. I chose it cause I heard he was an ass.” 

Kaidan’s eyebrows shot up so high on his forehead, he was sure they’d disappeared into his hairline. “You said that?” 

“Yup.” 

“What’d they do?” 

“Well, Horace’s lackeys were horrified, but the admiral himself just laughed. Said he appreciated a person with balls, and said it was even more impressive I was so young. He said he’d hate for my potential to get wasted by going to prison and having that on my record for the rest of my life. So he offered me a deal.”

She paused to take another drink. Kaidan gripped his own glass to keep his curiosity at bay. 

“He told me that he wouldn’t press charges if I agreed to serve,” she said after a few moments. 

“He wanted a 15-year-old to serve? You’re...a little young for that, aren’t you?” Kaidan asked, wondering what Horace was trying to do. 

She chuckled. “That’s what his CoS said. But apparently they have a thing called JROTC? Something for high school kids to learn about military life and stuff as a part of their schooling. Not really Alliance standard issue, but it’s an old reg left over from the U.S. armed forces, and Horace kinda...made an exception for me. So I go to all these classes and work out on base and have access to certain training materials.” 

“Like an implant, and my guest lecture,” he said. 

“Exactly.” She smiled. “Seems he wants me to start training with my biotics sooner rather than later. He said there used to be a school or something they sent biotics to, and if it’d still been around, he’d have just shipped me off there, but something happened, so it got shut down. So he’s training me here.” She shrugged again, not seeming to notice the colour draining out of his face when she mentioned what happened to BAaT. But the way she said it...she must not have known it was him who caused the shut down. 

“So there ya have it. My life in a nutshell. Any clearer for you?” she asked, not unkindly. 

He stared at her for a moment, but he wasn’t seeing her face, he was seeing Shelby’s. And Rahna’s. He was transported back to happier times, when he had friends and had gotten close to people for the first time in his life. She cleared her throat and he shook his head, ridding himself of that image. 

“Hey, you okay?” she asked softly. 

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” he answered automatically. He took another sip of his beer. 

She leveled her gaze at him and wouldn’t look away. It made him uncomfortable because he knew she could see through him, but the feeling wasn’t unwelcome. It felt good to just be... _seen_. By someone who could understand. She narrowed her eyes.

“I told you a lot of truths just now,” she said, still speaking in a quiet voice. “You sure you want to continue lying to me?” It wasn’t an accusation as much as it was a lifeline. 

He sighed, running his hand across the back of his neck. “I…” 

She put her hand on his forearm and he started, shocked not only by her biotic discharge, but the unexpectedness of the move. He didn’t get the feeling she was the type of person who touched easily. 

“Hey, Kaidan, it’s okay. You don’t have to be fine. Just don’t lie to me about it, yeah?” 

“Yeah,” he said on an exhale. 

“Although you don’t have to be fine, I do want to know that you’re going to be around tomorrow.” She met his eyes as she said this, although it took him a few moments to process her words. 

He swallowed away the thickness that formed in this throat. “Tomorrow?” he said. He hated how far away his voice sounded. But she smiled at him all the same, and it lit up the room. He wouldn’t be surprised if it lit up the galaxy.

“Yeah, tomorrow. While that’s the general overview of my life, there are still some interesting tidbits I could tell you. Plus I wanna pick your brain on beer some more. As much as I like this one, I’m sure there are others you could recommend.” 

“Me? Recommend...beer? For you?” 

_“God, Kaidan, get it together,”_ he admonished himself. 

But again, she didn’t seem to mind his lack of eloquence. “Yeah. You seem to really know your stuff, and it’ll help me in the long run I think. To know some more about this.” She shrugged again. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head to try and get his focus back. “You want to see me. Again. Tomorrow?” 

She nodded. “If that’s okay.” 

_“If that’s...that was more than okay,”_ he thought. Realizing she was still waiting for a response, he nodded himself. “Yeah, yeah that’s...are you sure?” He hated himself for asking, but it wasn’t as if he had done anything to impress her, or to even warrant her wanting to see him again. It was just...confusing to him, that’s all. 

She laughed. “Of course I’m sure.” She ran her thumb along his exposed forearm and he started when he realized she was still touching him. He hadn’t been touched this long in a _long_ time. 

“But...why?”

She just shrugged her shoulder and gave him a half smile. “I dunno, you seem interesting.” At his continued silence, she offered him another explanation. “And maybe if I’m nice enough to you, you’d consider teaching me that biotic trick you did with the bottle.” 

He smiled himself, despite the trepidation he felt at being in any sort of classroom setting involving biotics. Maybe...maybe with her, it wouldn’t be so bad. 

“Depends on how nice you are,” he hedged, even though the odds were tilting in her favor that he’d end up teaching her. 

“Depends on your definition of ‘nice,’” she shot back. _Oh_. His heart started racing again and he became acutely aware of her hand still on his arm. 

She sighed and looked at where she was touching him. He thought she was gonna be embarrassed to see that she still had her hand on his arm, but she just seemed to look at her watch. 

“As much as I would love to keep this going, I should get back. They might be missing me soon,” she said, her voice laced with an apology. 

“To your friends,” he said, trying to keep the accusatory tone out of his own words. He knew she ran with some rough people. He had an idea who they were, but didn’t want to say anything, just in case he was wrong. He didn’t want to offend her. Although he was getting the distinct impression that’d be difficult to do. 

She smiled at him. “Yup, to my friends.” And before he could react, she grabbed the kiosk from the table and swiped her credit chit. 

“Hey!” he protested slightly. He grabbed it from her and noticed she paid for the whole thing. “You could have at least let me pay for my own stuff.” 

“You’ll get it next time,” she said, winking at him again. Well, that decided it then. Guess he _would_ have to see her tomorrow, if only to pay her back. “Ready?” she asked.

He nodded, draining the last of his beer as he stood up. 

“You really should have let me pay for my bit,” he said, following her down the stairs. 

“It’s no big deal. And like I said, you’ll get it next time. I know you’re good for it.” He thought about that, this wild, crazy thing that came into his life, turning it upside down but righting it at the same time. She seemed to know him so well. It was both unnerving and comforting. 

When they exited the restaurant, they stood together for a moment in silence, as if neither of them knew what to say. He hated goodbyes. 

“Well, guess I’ll see ya tomorrow then,” she said, offering him a small wave and beginning to walk down the street. 

“I could walk you part of the way,” he offered, not wanting to leave her just yet. She considered his request, but then looked out at the bay. “Nah, I don’t wanna make you go out of your way. You live right here; it wouldn’t be fair.” 

“I wouldn’t mind,” he rushed to tell her. “I could use the exercise.” 

She laughed and looked at him. Really looked at him, roving her eyes from the top of his head down to his feet and back again, eventually settling on his face. He could tell she was taking him all in. 

“I don’t think you do,” she said softly. He blushed. She tilted her head as she considered him. “Maybe tomorrow,” she conceded. 

“Tomorrow,” he repeated. “I’m gonna hold you to that.” 

“I know,” she winked, then turned back the way she came. 

He stared after her retreating back once again, vowing that one day, he’d be able to join her on her whole walk back. Or maybe give her a reason to never have to go back there again. 

* * *

Madelyn considered her last words to Kaidan as she walked back to Reds’ territory. She didn’t know why she had mentioned him accompanying her back home - it wasn’t ever something he could do. She sighed, rubbing her hand over her forehead in frustration. She had to figure out a way to make him forget the idea. 

As she walked, she thought through the situation. If she brought Kaidan anywhere near home, she’d attract unwanted attention. She had spent the last six months ensuring her Alliance and Reds life didn’t combine, and now here she was, almost screwing all that up. She had to keep focused and had to ensure she didn’t make any mistakes. If she did, all of her hard work would have been for nothing. And that wasn’t a failure she was willing to accept. 

She had to keep him away from the Reds at all costs. It was the only way she could keep both of them safe. 

She had just entered their territory when her omni-tool pinged with a new message. To her surprise, she saw it was from Kaidan. 

_Hey. Just wanted to say again how much I appreciated your efforts and your invitation to hang out tonight. It probably won’t surprise you to hear that was the first time I’d left my house in daylight in a long time. So...thanks._

_\- Kaidan_

Madelyn read the message over again, smiling as she did so. He was struggling and still hurting - that much was obvious. But the fact that he was making the effort, no matter how small...that made her happier than it should have. She didn’t know him, not really, but so far, she thought she did the right thing, approaching him on the bridge last night. 

She messaged him back almost immediately. 

_Hey yourself. Glad you made the effort to come out tonight, too. It was really great getting to spend some time with you. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow_. 

He responded almost as soon as the note left her ‘tool. 

_Me neither._


	3. Chapter 3

Madelyn Shepard

* * *

**April 11, 2170**

Madelyn knew today was going to be a bad day. She always hated her birthday - it reminded her of her mother giving her up and the start of a very painful childhood - but this year it was especially bad. She had taken part in a rough job last night - one that involved moving live merchandise for some very bad people - and it was messing with her head. She ended up walking the streets until dawn, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to sleep with the memory of those faces haunting her. So she walked until she tired herself out enough that she wouldn’t be able to think as she fell asleep. 

What was worse was that she didn’t have anything to do today. Charli knew last night was rough for her, so she didn’t give her an assignment. While Madelyn was thankful she didn’t have to do another job, not having to work also meant that she’d be sitting around all day, with nothing to do except wallow and think - about her birthday, about her life and her parents, and about last night. 

She sighed. A bad day indeed. 

She was toying with going out and buying some decent birthday beer for herself when her ‘tool pinged and showed she had a message from Kaidan. She quickly pulled it up, already perking up a bit at seeing his name on the display. 

She and Kaidan had spent every night together that whole first week. She was afraid that if she didn’t invite him to see her the next day, he’d go back to that bridge. But they got together every night at Triumph, at 1830 sharp, and he introduced her to a bunch of new beers. She paid for everything those first few nights as well, knowing she was giving him another incentive to come back to her. But the last two times they’d gotten together, he’d insisted on paying and wouldn’t take no for an answer. She was hesitant at first, but he assured her she had nothing to worry about. And it seemed like he was right. 

This past week, her work with the Reds increased, due to the live merchandise. She also was upping her work for the Alliance, running reports to them and trying to arrange the rescue without Charli finding out. It was tough and she had to manage her time wisely. So she was only able to see Kaidan twice, and both times for not as long as she’d have liked. But they messaged. 

They had gotten to know one another a bit during their conversations, though they mostly kept the topics of conversation light. She wasn’t sure how much she wanted to dump on him, emotionally, and it seemed he was still keeping his cards close to his chest. So it surprised her when she read what he’d sent her. 

_Hi Madelyn. I know this is last minute and kinda out of the blue, but I sorta did some snooping and found out today’s your birthday. I’m not sure if you have any plans with your friends, but if you had some time, I was hoping you could stop by my house? I have a present for you. Nothing big, but it’s just not very easy to transport. Lemme know. I hope to hear from you soon._

_\- Kaidan_

Madelyn just stared at the message, needing to read it a few times to fully comprehend its contents. Kaidan knew it was her birthday. And he got her a present? She could count on one hand the number of times she’d gotten a present on her birthday. This was...strange. But she was also sort of excited. 

She raced to type a response, eager to set up a time to meet up with him. 

_Hi! So you found out it was my birthday, huh? I’m not even gonna_ ask _how you figured that out. My friends don’t celebrate birthdays, but I have the day off, so I’m free whenever you are. Just lemme know the time and place, and I’ll be there. :)_

_\- Maddy_

After just a few moments, she received another message that had the Alenkos’ address and an open invitation - she could come by whenever. Her stomach flipped in anticipation and her brain raced with questions. Should she go now? Would that be weird? Also, should she grab something to eat first? She wasn’t sure if this was going to be a long thing. And did she need to bring them anything? She had a foster family once that insisted on bringing a gift whenever they visited a friend’s house. Did this count? Or would Kaidan think she was weird for bringing something? 

It was times like these that she really missed having parents. 

Thankfully, a second message from Kaidan popped up, assuaging some of her fears. 

_Oh, and my mom wanted me to tell you not to eat before you come. She’s insisting on feeding you. Sorry._

She could almost hear his grimace in the words. It made her smile more than she thought possible. 

But that also sealed the deal for her. If his mom was going to feed her, then she had to bring her something. But what? 

She racked her brain, going through the various possibilities. She thought about flowers, but what kind of gift was one that needed to be taken care of by the host and, ultimately, died? Chocolates? But she didn’t want to bring a dessert if one had already been made. And they knew it was her birthday...they might have _actually_ baked her a cake. 

That thought stopped her in her tracks. 

She was going to celebrate her birthday. Properly. She was mixed with a feeling of trepidation and excitement as she allowed herself to finally look forward to what the day would bring. 

An hour later, she found herself standing in front of the Alenkos’ house. It was...well, it was what she had expected when she’d found out his parents had a view of the bay. It wasn’t _gigantic_ by any means, but it was more than comfortable for just the three of them. It was a two-story house with a covered porch and a garage at the end of the curved driveway to the right. On the left, she saw the beginnings of a balcony that she assumed wrapped around the back, to face the bay. The steel-and-glass structure shone in the mid-afternoon sun, the light glinting off of the large picture windows that were situated on either side of the front door. 

She swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. Why was she nervous? It was just Kaidan. 

_“And his parents,”_ she thought, biting her lip. She gripped the present she brought them more firmly in her left hand and smoothed down her dress with her right. She hated wearing it, but Devon insisted. And, well, it _was_ her birthday, so maybe it wouldn’t hurt to get a bit fancy. That thought still didn’t prevent her from tugging down the skirt, trying to cover more of her thin and pale legs. 

After standing outside for what seemed like an hour, she finally got up the courage to ring the bell. 

To her surprise, it wasn’t Kaidan who opened the door. Rather, she was greeted by a beautiful woman with a sheet of long black hair that was streaked with bits of grey and dazzling, honey-colored eyes. _“Like Kaidan’s.”_ She made the mental comparison between what could only be his mother and the boy she knew. 

“Hello!” the woman said in a bright voice, giving her a warm smile as she stepped back from the door. “Come in, come in! You must be Madelyn!” 

“Yes, hi,” she said, awkwardly standing in the foyer. The house was even more gorgeous on the inside. The large entryway led to a set of steel and glass stairs that curved up to the second floor. There were multiple doors off the space, presumably leading to other rooms. Madelyn shifted her weight from one foot to the other, unsure what she should do or where she should go. 

Thankfully, Kaidan saved her once again. 

“Was that the door, Ma?” he asked, poking his head out of the upstairs hallway. He peered down the stairs and met Madelyn’s eyes staring back at him. 

His face split into a wide grin as he beheld her. 

“Hey Maddy!” he called, bounding down the stairs with a burst of energy she hadn’t seen from him before. It seemed to take his mother by surprise as well. 

“Hey Kaidan,” Madelyn said. Damn it, why was this so _weird_? 

He stopped in front of her and looked like he was going to hug her, but he stopped himself before he went too far. Instead, probably to cover his original intent, he pointed to the bottle in her hand. 

“What d’you have there?” he asked, tilting his head as he appeared to be trying to get a better look at what she brought. 

“Oh!” Madelyn gasped, annoyed that she had forgotten the thing she had gone through so much effort to bring. “This is for you,” she said, holding out the bottle of whiskey to Mrs. Alenko. “Kaidan mentioned that you and Mr. Alenko like whiskey.” 

Mrs. Alenko raised her eyebrows as she took the bottle from her outstretched hand. “You didn’t have to bring us anything! From what I understand, it’s _your_ birthday; we’re the ones who are supposed to be giving you the presents!” she chuckled, a warm and inviting sound. It didn’t _seem_ like she was making fun of her, but Madelyn couldn’t tell. She was about to explain the meaning behind the bottle when his mom spoke again. 

“Thank you, dear. It’s quite lovely. I’m sure Claude will appreciate it as much as I do.” She turned down the hallway, heading to the back of the house, ignoring all the closed doors on either side of her. 

Madelyn just stood in the foyer, unsure of what to do. She looked at Kaidan, but he seemed just as lost. She narrowed her eyes, wondering at his newfound shyness. 

She was just about to say something when Mrs. Alenko called from down the hall. “You guys coming?” 

Madelyn turned toward Kaidan, who just shrugged at her, and led her toward the back of the house. 

* * *

_“Keep it together, Kaidan,”_ he admonished himself as he led Maddy to the kitchen. He knew he was acting weird, and what was even worse was he thought _she_ knew he was acting weird...he stifled a sigh. He really needed to keep his head on straight. He didn’t even have a migraine to blame it on. 

He just wasn’t prepared to see her dressed like...well, in a _dress_. In some ways she looked totally different than the girl he knew, the one who wore jeans and sweatshirts and t-shirts. But in other ways, she looked exactly the same. She was still... _her_. Just, a different version of her. In a dress. That made her look...really cute, if he was being completely honest. 

_“No, not cute,”_ he thought, _“she’s beautiful.”_ And, the more he thought about it, the more he realized that was the right way to describe her. The black dress had tiny red roses sprinkled all over it, making her green eyes pop and drawing him into her gaze. The dress itself allowed him to see her shape a lot more clearly than anything else she had worn before, and he had to admit, he didn’t mind the view. He traced her curves with his gaze, the thin material clinging to a form that he knew - although spry - was Alliance-honed and hid a physical strength most probably underestimated from her. 

He shook his head, chastising himself for even _thinking_ of her that way. She was a friend and a friend only. Not to mention she was 15. _“She’s 16 as of today,”_ he reminded himself. He ran his hand along the back of his neck, measuring her expression as she took in the large kitchen with the bay windows and freshly scrubbed woodblock table, already laden with way too much food. He told his mom not to prepare that much, that Madelyn didn’t eat a lot (he’d conveniently forgotten to tell his parents that she was a biotic - that little tidbit would have just opened up a whole can of worms that he didn’t want to examine with them), but of course, she insisted. 

Which, now that he thought about it, was probably the right move, considering what he had planned for him and Maddy that afternoon. 

He realized his mom was conversing with his friend - and he wasn’t paying a single lick of attention to the conversation. 

“We met in the park,” Maddy was saying, covering for him without him asking her to. He glanced over to her and she appeared to feel his eyes on her, as she flicked her gaze over to meet his. He hoped he was able to convey his gratitude. If her small smile was any indication, he was successful. 

“Thank you for telling me,” his mom said, just loud enough that it interrupted his thoughts again. Now it was his mom’s turn to look at him. He knew she was mad at him for being so vague with details about his new friend, but what was he gonna say? That they met when he was going to jump off a bridge? That she saved him? That she runs with the most notorious gang in all of Vancouver? He just stared back at his mother, who finally turned away with a small shake of her head. 

“I hope you’re hungry, Madelyn. A proper birthday celebration should always involve a good meal,” his mom said. 

“Oh yes, I could eat,” Maddy answered, looking at him out of the corner of her eye. Now it was his turn to smile. He knew she was thinking of that last message he sent her. At least he prepared her for that. 

“Wonderful!” Ma said, clapping her hands together in excitement. Kaidan blinked at her. He hadn’t seen her this carefree in awhile. _“Because of you,”_ that small voice whispered in the back of his mind. But Kaidan just pushed it back, pushed it down and away and tried to lock it away. He wasn’t going to let those thoughts take hold, not today of all days. 

And in that uncanny way she could, Madelyn seemed to sense his discomfort. She moved closer to him, so he could feel her warmth, her energy, and he felt...grounded. He felt the tension release from his spine a bit as she came into his circle of space. He shot her a grateful smile, which she returned. 

Well, guess they were both helping each other out. 

“Claude!” his mom called down the hall leading to his dad’s office. 

His mom didn’t have to do more than that; his dad knew today was unique. He came almost immediately and his face brightened when he saw Madelyn. 

“Hi, you must be Madelyn?” his dad asked, extending his hand to her. For her part, Madelyn just smiled, maintaining eye contact as she grasped the man’s hand. 

_“Acting like it’s no big deal,”_ Kaidan thought, his mind returning to that first meal they shared together. He knew her well enough, however, to realize that the slight stiffening of her shoulders as she straightened her posture a bit indicated she was uncomfortable. 

Kaidan racked his brain to try and get her to relax. 

“Should we sit?” he asked, looking to her. She shot him another grateful expression. 

“Yes of course,” his mom said, heading to the table. They all sat in their usual spots, leaving just one seat for Madelyn, to his right, which she took, staring at the spread of food as she did so. 

His mom really had outdone herself; she had some steamed prawns, seared halibut over jasmine rice, grilled asparagus wrapped in bacon (an indulgence she only prepared for special occasions), pork satay, mashed potatoes, and creamed spinach. When he admonished his mother for the amount of food, she said she wanted to provide Madelyn with a wide variety to choose from, because she didn’t know what the girl liked to eat. Kaidan understood the veiled jab and kept quiet after that. 

“This is...wow,” Madelyn breathed, looking up at his mom after taking it all in. “Thank you,” she said, emphatically. Kaidan smiled at her. 

His mom just waved her hand in the air, as if brushing away all the effort she put in. “It’s nothing, really. Well, guests first, my dear.” 

Madelyn hesitated, but only slightly, before grabbing the dish nearest her and piling some of it on her plate. 

Kaidan chuckled as he took the dish from her. Yeah, she was definitely biotic, that’s for sure. 

“This is really good, Ma,” Kaidan said, after he’d had a chance to try a bit of everything. 

“Agreed, Mrs. Alenko,” Madelyn spoke up after swallowing away her most recent bite. 

“Please, dear, call me Nina,” his mom said. Kaidan had to fight the blush that was forming on his cheeks; he knew his parents thought there was more between him and Maddy. And while there might be - eventually - it was _way_ too soon for that. They were firmly in the friends space at the moment. 

“So, your birthday, huh?” his dad asked. 

“Mhm!” Madelyn answered brightly. Too brightly. Kaidan narrowed his eyes. 

“How old are you turning?” his mom asked. 

“16.” 

His dad quirked an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. Kaidan knew he needed to stop this line of questioning before it got too dangerous. 

“I’m surprised your friends didn’t have anything planned for you,” he said, trying to steer the conversation back to safer territory. 

Madelyn just shrugged. “Birthdays aren’t that important.” 

“But certainly to your family,” his mom said. “16’s an important age to turn.” Kaidan widened his eyes and tried to catch his mom’s gaze from across the table, but she wasn’t looking his way. 

_“Crap,”_ Kaidan thought. He mentally kicked himself for not at least telling his parents _that_ bit of information about her. 

But Madelyn took it in stride. He supposed this wasn’t the first time she’d had to explain her situation, nor would it be the last. 

“No family to speak of,” she said matter-of-factly. 

“None at all?” his mom asked. 

Again, Madelyn shrugged, though she kept her eyes downcast, which told Kaidan that this subject _did_ affect her in some way. 

“Not that I know of. But that’s okay. My friends help out as much as they can.” 

“But still, that’s no substitution for a family. And at just 16... _barely_ 16 at that,” his mom continued. 

This wasn’t going any better. 

“Ma,” Kaidan said quietly. That got her to look at him. _Drop it_ , he conveyed with his eyes. She gave him a sheepish smile before changing the subject. 

There were some advantages to being an only child. 

**************************************************

The rest of dinner went smoothly. He almost teared up himself when he saw Madelyn’s face as they brought out the cake for her. She blew out the candles and devoured two big slices herself. 

“That cake was _delicious_ , Nina,” she said, finally putting her fork down. “Thank you.” 

“It was my pleasure, Madelyn,” his mom said, covering his friend’s hand that had settled on the table. Her eyes widened at his mother’s actions and Kaidan almost came to her defense when she just looked up and met his mother’s eyes. Neither woman said anything, but there seemed to be something nonverbal that passed between them. 

Kaidan took that moment to look at his dad, who just shrugged to his son, as if to say “women.” Kaidan shook his head, suppressing a smirk. 

“Nina, why don’t I clear up while you go rest and let the kids alone for a bit?” his dad asked. Kaidan shot his father a grateful look. 

“Yes on the kids, no on letting you do all the dishes,” his mom replied. When his dad went to protest, his mom just held up her hand. “It’s faster together.” 

His dad closed his mouth, knowing he couldn’t argue with that. Shrugging, he stood up and started grabbing dishes. 

Kaidan stood up as well and gestured for Madelyn to follow him. He led her out the back door and into the yard. 

“Shouldn’t we help?” she asked, pointing her thumb back toward the house. “Doesn’t seem fair to let them do all the work. And your mom - cooking _and_ cleaning?” 

“Nah they like doing it.” At Madelyn’s puzzled look, Kaidan couldn’t help but chuckle. “It’s like...a _thing_ with them. Like their bonding time or whatever. I don’t know, and I don’t ask,” he said, pulling a face at thinking of his parents' relationship like that. 

Now it was Madelyn’s turn to laugh. “Yeah I can imagine not wanting to know that level of detail in your parents’... _romantic_ lives,” she said. 

Wanting to quickly move on from _that_ topic, Kaidan cleared his throat. “Ready for your present?”

She shrugged nonchalantly, but he could see the glitter of excitement in her eyes. “If you want to give me one. You know you don’t have to, right Kaidan?” 

He smiled slightly. “I know, but I wanted to.” 

“Okay. So where is it?” she looked around the yard, trying and failing to spot anything. In answer, Kaidan biotically lifted a bottle from the table on the deck and brought it toward him. 

“I’m going to teach you how to do that,” he said, nodding to the hovering glass. 

Her eyes widened and she bit her lip. “Really?” she asked, slightly breathlessly. He stoically ignored what that did to him, telling himself that his increased heart rate and sweaty palms were the result of trying to teach biotics again, and had nothing to do with, well... _her_. 

He laughed at her reaction and to cover his own. “Really, really. You asked, and it’s your birthday, so it seemed only fair - ” 

The rest of his sentence was cut off as she threw her body at him, arms tightening around his neck in a firm hug. He stepped back in surprise at the momentum and hesitated only slightly before wrapping his arms around her waist, drawing her closer to him. Unconsciously, he dipped his nose into her curls, smelling her fresh and clean shampoo. 

“Thank you,” she said into his chest. He chuckled and felt her cheek burrow further into him. 

“It’s no problem at all.” A lie, but she didn’t have to know that. Or maybe she did, and that’s why she was reacting this way? 

She pulled back to look at him but kept her arms around his neck. He swallowed away the sudden dryness that had entered his mouth as he realized how close they were. But she just met his eyes, her emerald green irises bright with emotion. 

“You don’t understand,” she murmured. 

“Then explain,” he said, smiling slightly as he was reminded of the first time they met. His thumbs had absentmindedly begun running along her waist. He should stop, but he didn’t want to, and she didn’t seem to mind. So he kept it up. 

Her eyes sparkled, as if she was remembering the same conversation. “No one’s...no one’s ever gotten me a present before that I actually _liked_. I mean, yeah a few of the families got me socks or a hand-me-down sweatshirt, or this one family got me paper.” She chuckled at his raised eyebrow. “They said it was for journaling, that writing down my feelings might help me ‘adapt’ to my new surroundings, but really it was just blank paper that the whole family took for random things.” 

His hands tightened on her as he realized just how little she had. This battered thing, tossed from port to port, never landing anywhere long enough to form real relationships. But she wasn’t broken. She wasn’t bitter or mean or rude. She was sweet and genuine and... _kind_. If she could go through her childhood and still be that way...he took a deep breath. 

Then he could put what happened at BAaT - and all the fallout from it - behind him. Starting with today. 

Reluctantly - even though he _really_ didn’t want to - he stepped back from her. When space existed between them again, she ducked her head behind her hair. 

_“Nervous? Ashamed?”_ he thought, somewhat dejectedly. 

But when she looked back up, she just met his eyes and smiled. 

“So,” he said bracingly, dropping the field around the bottle so it landed in his hand. Stooping to sit it on the ground in front of them, he gestured for her to follow him, and they took a few steps back, putting some distance between them and the bottle. “Show me what you know.” 

* * *

_Show me what you know_. That was easier said than done. She hadn’t had her implant long, and she’d been training with biotics for an even shorter time than that. She wasn’t sure she even _knew_ what she knew...if that made sense. 

It probably didn’t. But Kaidan stepped back up into her bubble and - to her surprise - she didn’t move away. He had a calming effect on her when he was so near. 

Madelyn didn’t even _let_ herself think of that hug, and his hands on her. She could still feel the ghost of his thumbs running along her waist…

She shook her head to clear the sensation. She knew better than to get involved, knew better than to let her feelings dictate her actions. She’d seen it too many times, what can happen if you let someone in, if there was _someone else_ people could get to to make you hurt, or force your hand.

No. It was better to keep Kaidan at arm’s length. She just didn’t realize it’d be so damn hard to do. 

Taking a deep breath and squaring her shoulders, she concentrated on the glass. She squinted her eye at it, trying to remember what limited technique she had.

She extended her arm and concentrated, hard, trying to do what Kaidan could do so easily. After a few excruciating moments when nothing happened, she finally managed to lift the bottle. It hovered a few inches off the ground, but she could only hold it aloft for a moment or two before it wobbled and fell back to the earth. 

She let out an exhale and bent over, feeling like she’d just sprinted for a mile. 

“Well?” she asked, panting slightly, not bothering to expend the energy to look over at him. 

At his lack of response, however, she chanced a glance over her shoulder. He was staring at the bottle, but it didn’t seem like he was really _seeing_ it. 

“Kaidan?” she asked. He still had that faraway look on his face. “Hey, Kaidan,” she said, standing up and walking over to him. She placed her hand tentatively on his arm, which caused him to jump as if she’d shocked him. Maybe she had. 

She quickly withdrew her hand. “Hey Kaidan, what’s wrong?” she asked, stepping into his field of vision to try and get him to look at her. When his eyes finally met hers, she was taken aback by the look in them - frightened, panicked almost. 

“Kaidan?” 

He didn’t answer her; instead, he took one look at her and bolted into the house. 

She stood, rooted to the spot, unsure what to do. She was left alone in a house that didn’t belong to her and her only connection to the owners had just run away. Even worse, he acted like she _frightened_ him. 

_“What the hell was that all about?”_ she wondered. She sighed, deciding that she should at least say goodbye to the Alenkos; they did open up their home to her and make her a wonderful meal. It wouldn’t be right to just slip out through the yard without telling them she was leaving. 

She bent to grab the bottle before she headed back inside when a voice spoke from behind her. 

“You’re biotic,” Mrs. Alekno said. It wasn’t a question. She must have spotted their little exercise from outside the bay window. 

Madelyn blushed, but then she realized Mrs. Alenko should have no problem with biotics; her own son was one, and it didn’t seem to be something he hid from them. 

She lifted her chin slightly as she answered. “I am.” 

Mrs. Alenko sighed as she took a seat at the deck table. “Come here, my dear,” she said, patting what was presumably the seat beside her. 

Madelyn made her way to the place Mrs. Alenko had indicated, taking a seat and placing the bottle on the table. The other woman eyed it somewhat trepidatiously, but that couldn’t be right...why would she care about a bottle they were playing with? 

Mrs. Alenko turned to face her, placing her hands on the table as if she didn’t know what else to do with them. After a few moments’ silence, she began speaking. 

“What do you know about Kaidan?” she asked. 

_“What do I know about - what an odd question,”_ Madelyn thought, not quite knowing how to answer. 

“Umm...I mean, not much I guess?” her face burned as she realized that she had a crush on a boy she barely knew anything about. 

“I know he was born and raised here, in Vancouver. I know he’s 18, and that he works for the Alliance, like Mr. Alenko did. I know he’s biotic,” she finished, biting her lip. 

Mrs. Alenko nodded, but her demeanor didn’t relax at all. “And what do you know about his biotics?” 

“I know he’s an L2, and he told me that I’m lucky to have been given the L3…” Madelyn trailed off, wondering. “Is that what happened? Did - did my biotics cause a migraine in him?” He had mentioned how too much biotic energy could overwhelm his implant. If he took out his amp, it helped, but she wasn’t sure if he had done that today. 

“No dear,” Mrs. Alenko said, covering Madelyn’s hand with her own. “None of this is your fault. In fact,” now it was Kaidan’s mom’s turn to bite her lip. She looked away for a moment before meeting Madelyn’s eyes again. To her surprise, there seemed to be tears in the older woman’s gaze. “I think we have you to thank for bringing our boy back to us.” 

Madelyn’s eyes widened slightly, her mind racing with what his parents might have heard or found out. 

“You don’t have to say anything, I wouldn’t ask you to betray his confidence…” Mrs. Alenko looked away again. “I’m not even sure I’d want to know. I just know that he was in a very bad place, and that bad place seemed to go away when you showed up in his life. I don’t even know if it was you the whole time, but…” she smiled softly, meeting Madelyn’s eyes again. “A mother’s intuition is a strong thing. And I just wanted to thank you.” 

Madelyn opened her mouth to respond, but Mrs. Alenko held her hand up to stop her. 

“I’m not yet finished, my dear. I _also_ wanted to tell you that I was _very_ surprised to find out you’re a biotic. Kaidan kept that piece of information from us, as much as he knows he shouldn’t have.” 

That took the younger girl by surprise. And - although it seemed she tried to hide it - Mrs. Alenko’s tone turned...bitter? Did she misread the situation? Were they _not_ okay with their son being biotic? 

She couldn’t help it - she had to know. 

“Are you guys ashamed Kaidan is a biotic? 

The stricken expression that crossed Mrs. Alenko’s face briefly filled Madelyn with shame at the question, but she had to see how that could be what the younger girl could think. 

“Not at all,” Mrs. Alenko said, emphatically. “We would _never_ be ashamed of Kaidan’s power. But...great strides have been made in humanity's knowledge of biotics, even in the two short years that separate you and him.” 

“Like me having the L3 and him having the L2.” 

“Exactly,” she said, nodding. She hesitated for a moment, but continued. “That’s not the only differences between you two. Kaidan was...there was a school,” she began. 

Madelyn noticed Mrs. Alenko was having some difficulties, so she decided to help out. “I know about the school. Well _of_ it, I should say. I don’t really know anything _about_ it except that it closed about 6 months ago. They said it was a shame; that if the school was still opened they’d have been able to send me there.” 

A fire flashed in Mrs. Alenko’s eyes, taking Madelyn by surprise. But the other woman quickly smothered it. “Did they tell you why or how the school shut down?” 

The younger girl shook her head.

Again, a slight hesitation on Mrs. Alenko’s part. “Perhaps you should ask him about it.” Madelyn tilted her head, not quite understanding what the older woman was asking. “Kaidan. Go to him,” she urged. “And ask him about the school. It might make you understand his reaction a bit better. And it might be easier for him to talk about it with someone who’s a fellow biotic, who has the same energy and faces the same future he does.” 

Madelyn considered his mother’s request, looking at the sincerity in her eyes. _“Kaidan’s eyes,”_ she thought, struck by the similarity yet again. She wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to refuse this woman, the same way she’d never be able to refuse Kaidan - not when those eyes were turned on her. 

“I’m not sure he’d even want to see me,” she began. 

“I’m not sure what he wants is what he needs,” his mom murmured. Madelyn considered that for a moment, wondering if she wanted to get involved. 

_“You got involved the moment you approached him on that bridge,”_ she reminded herself. She sighed, knowing it was true. 

“Okay,” she said, squaring her shoulders. She knew she’d made the right decision when Mrs. Alenko’s eyes flooded with relief and the tension went out of her shoulders a bit.

“Thank you,” the older woman said. 

Madelyn just nodded as she stood. She was about to head inside when she hesitated. But before she could even ask, Mrs. Alenko provided her what she needed. 

“Up the stairs to the right, second door on the left.” 

The younger girl just smiled as she headed inside.


	4. Chapter 4

Kaidan & Madelyn 

* * *

_“Fuck,”_ Kaidan thought, for what must have been the hundredth time since he ran away from Madelyn. It was supposed to be a good day. It was her birthday, and he was just supposed to help her learn how to fucking biotically lift, one of the easiest skills to learn. It wasn’t supposed to be that hard. 

But then she did it, and he saw the bottle waver, and it brought him right back to BAaT, when Rahna’s block had wavered and he caught it, which led to - 

He stopped his train of thought. He knew what it led to. 

He sighed, running his hands through his short hair so he wouldn’t punch a wall. _This_. This was why he had wanted to end it. He was worthless, he was less than worthless. He’d killed a man and he shut down a school and he sent everyone home, and it was… _bad_. Shelby-killing-himself bad. And it’d never change. It’d _never_ get better. He’d _never_ be able to get over it, or move past it, or learn to live with it, or whatever fucking platitude they’d used on him in his mandated therapy. It was fucking useless. 

_He_ was fucking useless. 

He was half tempted to get his father’s firearm out of the safe and just end it all then. It’d be so much easier. Nothing to think about - just pull the trigger and be done with it. He thought his parents almost wouldn’t mind, what with his father being Alliance and all. What was one more dead body? 

He let out a growl of frustration as he pulled on his hair this time, to feel something, _anything_. He was so numb, so utterly worthless and pathetic. He let a mirthless chuckle escape. He’d doubt he’d even be able to kill himself properly - he couldn’t do anything else right. Even give a girl a fucking birthday present. 

A knock sounded on his door. He figured it was his mom coming to check on him. 

“Go away, Ma,” he called. Then, cause he knew she’d worry, “I’m fine.” 

“Don’t lie to me, Kaidan,” a voice that was unequivocally different from his mother’s came through the door. 

Shocked, his feet moved of their own accord, bringing him to the threshold and sliding the door open. 

“Madelyn?” he asked, aware of the surprise that had entered his voice at seeing her there. At the entrance of his bedroom. “What’re you doing here?” 

“Well, I didn’t really want to stand out in the yard all by myself - ” 

“I’m sorry,” he said, cutting her off. 

But Madelyn just shook her head. “Nothing to be sorry for,” she said. She fell silent for a moment and Kaidan didn’t know what to say either, so he just let the quiet envelop them. 

“Can I come in?” she asked. 

“Oh shit, yeah of course,” he said, stepping back from the door to let her pass. She stepped into his most personal and vulnerable space, and his stomach flipped in anticipation. It didn’t escape him that this was the first time he’d had a girl in his room. Part of him was nervous about what she’d think. 

He watched as she did a small survey of the space, her eyes landing on his made bed, the books stacked neatly on shelves that lined the room, the old movie posters that covered his walls. He noticed her gaze paused slightly on the Skywalker Saga poster he had and he briefly flashed back to the conversation they had about the old movies. 

She finished her visual tour, then turned to look at him. 

“Please, sit,” he said, gesturing to his desk chair. He took the bed. He wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to do, but he also didn’t feel right inviting her to sit on his bed. That just felt...too intimate. Too familiar. 

When she had settled herself in, he turned to her, unsure of where to even begin to start explaining himself. But it turned out he needn’t have worried. He should have known better anyway. 

“Don’t be mad…” she started. 

He looked at her warily but nodded. “I won’t be,” he said. 

“Your mom sent me up here,” she said. “Not that I didn’t want come find you, I just didn’t know if I should, and then I didn’t know where you’d run off to - ” 

She stopped herself, as if she knew she was babbling. 

For his part, Kaidan let out a huff of annoyance. “Of course she’d send you,” he muttered, almost to himself. 

But it was loud enough for her to hear. 

“She’s worried about you,” she said softly. Kaidan looked at her and her eyes were wide with sincerity.

That deflated some of the anger he felt. “I know,” he said. 

“Is there…” she trailed off, which caused him to look at her again. It wasn’t often he’d seen her so unsure. She looked away from him for a moment before meeting his eyes with a look of determination in her own. “Is there a reason she should be?” 

Kaidan paused at that, not sure what to say. He promised Madelyn he wouldn’t lie to her...then again, if he told her his mom had nothing to worry about, _was_ that even a lie? He didn’t even know his own intentions at that point. 

“I…” he was going to tell her that she didn’t have to be concerned about him, but he honestly couldn’t bring himself to. “I don’t know,” he said. 

Madelyn nodded, a bit of the tension leaving her posture, as if admitting his weakness made her feel better. She was such an odd creature. 

“It’s okay not to know,” she said gravely. Then she said something he should have expected, knowing she talked to his mom, but it still came as a shock when she did. “Can you tell me about the school for biotics?” 

That made him pause. _Could_ he tell her about BAaT? The memories were still so fresh, so painful and raw and new...but it was her birthday. And he owed her an explanation for his behavior. 

“I don’t know,” he said again. He _hated_ admitting his weaknesses, hated not being able to control these thoughts. 

“That’s okay,” she said again. “Just tell me what you can. It doesn’t have to be everything, but if I can help…” she trailed off, as if unsure of what she should say. 

_“Of course she’s unsure of what she should say, she doesn’t have the first clue of how to help you. She’s 16,”_ he thought bitterly. But she was here, and she was biotic. And she didn’t seem like she’d judge him. 

Talking about it was hard. It was hard when he had to discuss it with the Conatix representatives, and then again with the Alliance. He could barely relive it with Shelby. But maybe he could try. 

It took him way too long, but he was able to tell her, through stops and starts, the full story of what happened at BAaT, from the day he was told he’d be going away, to the abusive tactics the teachers implemented to “prepare them for battle conditions,” to what happened with Shelby, the transmitter, Rahna, and ultimately Vyrnnus. When he got to that last part, he almost broke down crying. Madelyn moved to join him on the bed, sitting next to him. Her presence helped. 

And although tears tracked down his face the entire time, he was able to get through the worst of it, Madelyn never letting go of his hand. 

But what he couldn’t do was tell her about Shelby. About their friendship and his death. He just wasn’t ready to face that, not yet. It was still too new. 

“I’m sorry,” she said when he finally fell silent. He just laughed bitterly. “No, I mean it. I’m very sorry for what happened. That whole situation seems quite...extreme. _Nobody_ should have to face that, especially not kids.” 

He actually laughed at that. “I hate to be the one to tell you this, but _you’re_ just a kid, Maddy,” he said. 

She smiled at him. “I’ll have you know that I’m 16 now,” she said with a wink. 

God she was beautiful. The inappropriateness of the thought didn’t escape him, but it was the truth - there was no denying that. 

“Thank you,” he murmured, his eyes glued to his hand in hers. He started stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. She just squeezed tighter. 

“For what?” she asked. “You’re the one who shared your story, I should be thanking _you_.” 

Another laugh escaped his lips. How was it that she always seemed to get him to do that? He shook his head, both in confusion and in denial of her statement. 

“No way. You saved me. You know that right?” He lifted his head to meet her gaze. Her eyes were startling clear and alert. “That night, on the bridge. You had to have guessed my intentions.” 

She didn’t look away as she nodded. “I did. But I wasn’t the one who decided to come off the rail. _You_ did that. You saved yourself, Kaidan.” 

But he just shook his head, denying her statement. “And then meeting me every night, paying so I’d owe you, dragging out your interesting life tale so you’d know I’d want to come back...giving me a reason to live…” he trailed off, unsure if he wanted to truly confess everything. But it was time. “And then tonight…” 

“Tonight?” she asked, no judgement, no worry in her eyes. Just sincerity. 

He sighed, holding on to her hand tighter. “Yeah, tonight. Before you came in, I was very seriously considering going into my father’s safe and grabbing his gun, so I could just end it all. I failed. I’ve failed so many times. I’m worthless and useless and am just taking up space. There’s no reason for me to be here anymore.” 

“What if _I_ need you?” she asked quietly. 

His eyes snapped to hers again and he saw nothing but truth in them. “What do you mean?” he asked. “You don’t need anything from anybody.” 

“You’ve given me more than I’ve ever had before, Kaidan. You’ve given me a - ” she cut herself off. He squeezed her hand again. “You’ve given me a friendship I didn’t know was possible.” She bowed her head at that, her hair falling over her face. 

Before he could stop himself, he reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear. “You’ve given me more than you could know. Even _with_ knowing that you stopped me from - ” he couldn’t bring himself to say it, “doing something permanent, you’ve given me the opportunity to really care about someone. I know it’s only been a few weeks, but - ” 

“I care about you, too,” she said on an exhale. He got the distinct feeling that was difficult for her to say. 

Without realizing what he was doing, he found himself bringing his face closer to hers, but he hesitated, holding himself a few inches away from her. He wanted to give her the out if she wanted it. He didn’t want to force her to do anything, he didn’t want to make that jump unless she was willing to go over the edge with him. He smiled to himself as he realized that imagery could be thought of as very dark. But with her, _now_ , it took on a very different meaning. 

She lifted her face to his, meeting his eyes and bringing her lips within kissing distance. She shifted imperceptibly closer to him and gave him the smallest of nods. He smiled as he cupped her cheek and guided her lips to his. 

She hesitated a bit at first, and Kaidan didn’t push, letting her set the pace. Soon though, she had grasped his shirt in her fist and moved even closer to him, pressing her thigh against his, pulling him to her as much as their position on the bed allowed. He responded by sliding his hand from her cheek to the back of her head, tangling his fingers in the curls at the base of her neck, guiding her along as best as he could. 

Not that he thought she couldn’t handle herself, he was more than confident she could. It was more to give him something to do to distract from the increasing tightness in his pants. Even though they were in his bedroom, sitting on his _bed_...he very firmly told himself that nothing more could come from this except a few kisses. 

He laced his fingers through the hand he was holding, intertwining the digits and connecting them in another way. She shifted somewhat closer and let out a soft moan, giving him greater access to her mouth. He tentatively pushed his tongue between her open lips, testing how far she was willing to let things go. Somewhat surprisingly, she entwined his tongue with her own, pulling it back into her own mouth. 

God she was good at this. 

They sat there, kissing and holding on to each other for what felt like hours, though it could have been just minutes. Time felt like it stopped when they were embracing, and he never wanted it to start up again. 

Unfortunately, the world seemed to have another idea. 

After what felt like both seconds and hours, her omni-tool beeped. She ignored it at first, but soon after, it beeped again. 

Even though he _really_ didn’t want to, he knew she should probably answer that, so he broke off the kiss. He felt a swell of pride as he took in her swollen lips, knowing _he_ was the one who caused that. He also knew he probably looked the same. 

“You should get that,” he said softly, pressing his forehead to hers. 

“Yeah,” she said on an exhale, “I probably should.” She pulled back and a rush of cool air came between them, calming his flushed skin. She pulled up the message on her ‘tool and a look of annoyance passed over her features. It was quick, but he knew her well enough by now to catch it. 

“Everything alright?” he asked. 

She sighed. “Yeah, everything’s fine.” She quickly typed on her ‘tool, presumably sending off a message to her “friends,” and then looked up at him with an apologetic look. “Sorry to cut this short. I gotta go.” 

She moved to stand, but Kaidan was overcome with an intense desire to not see her leave. He grabbed her forearm, stopping her from getting too far. “Going back to your friends?”

Her eyes flicked to the hand on her arm before meeting his gaze. When she spoke, her tone was almost unnaturally even. “Yes, Kaidan, to my friends.” Then it seemed she thought of something, because her next words to him had more care. “Are you going to be okay?” 

It broke his heart, how selfless she was, how altruistic, still caring about him even though she was the one heading back to a gang. He was more than fine; he was here, in his clean and comfortable home, with parents who fed him and loved him unconditionally. And she was going back to god knew where to face god knew what, to people who didn’t care about her or provide for her, if he read between the lines of the things she’d said in the past. Yeah he had his mental demons to deal with, but they were nothing compared to her everyday life.

He nodded, not wanting to add to her concerns. “I’m going to be fine. Thank you. It...helped, to have someone to talk to about stuff like that.” 

“And you know you can message me anytime. I’ll always answer for you, Kaidan,” she said, a serious look in her eyes. “No matter when, or what I may be doing, I’ll make the time. I promise.” 

His heart contracted at that, not knowing what danger she may be putting herself in, making a promise like that. He couldn’t take it, knowing she could get in trouble, for _him_. 

He didn’t know why he said it, but he was glad when he did. “Don’t go,” he said softly. 

Her brow furrowed slightly, but she sat back down on the bed. “Are you okay?” 

“Yes, I’m fine. It’s _you_ I’m worried about,” he started, but she interrupted him with a wave of her hand in the air, so similar to his mother, it made him do a double take. 

“I’ll be fine, you don’t need to worry about me.” 

“ _Of course_ I’m worried about you. I worry about you every single time you go back there. It’s not safe, you _must_ see that.” 

“I know,” she said, and he didn’t miss the small flicker of sadness that crossed her features. “But I don’t have anywhere else to go.” 

“Stay here,” he said, without second thought. 

“What?” she asked, slightly recoiling from him. 

“Stay here. It won’t be weird, I promise.” He gestured around him, trying to encompass his entire house. “We’ve got the room. At least 3 spare bedrooms; one of them could be yours. And you’ve seen my mom. She’d love to cook for you. And we’re close to HQ, so your commute there would be easier…” he trailed off at the look of intense regret that overcame her features. 

“I can’t,” she whispered. 

“Why not?” 

“I just can’t,” she said, standing up for real now. But she didn’t leave. Instead, she took to pacing his room. 

It was his turn to throw some of her words back to her. “I told you a lot of truths, Madelyn. You can’t keep hiding a huge part of your life from me. I know you’re a part of the Reds.” She flinched when the name of her gang was said aloud, but she didn’t contradict his assertion. “I know they’re hard to get out of, but I’m sure Admiral Horace would protect you. You’re his special project after all. I’m sure he doesn’t like you being a part of them.” 

But she just shook her head. “You don’t understand,” she said, not meeting his gaze. 

It seemed this would be their “thing.” She had such a complicated life, kept compartmentalized and piecemeal, to protect herself maybe? Or protect those around her? He wasn’t sure. But if he needed to find out about her that way, that was fine. He’d find the openings, make her explain. He wanted - no _needed_ \- to protect her. And the only way he could do that was if he knew what he was up against. 

“Then explain,” he said softly. A small smile graced her face at the familiar words. 

But then it fell as she turned to him. “I can’t,” she said again. 

“Why not?” He was trying not to get angry, but it was hard not to. He trusted her with his darkest secrets, the blackest marks on his soul, and she wouldn’t tell him what was keeping her in a dangerous situation? It seemed a little one-sided. 

“It…” she turned away from him again and resumed her pacing. “It’s complicated.” 

“I’d be surprised if it wasn’t.” 

She whipped her head to him at that, but his small smirk seemed to relax her again. She chuckled. “I _do_ have a complicated life.” 

Kaidan nodded gravely. “You’ve told me.” 

But she just shook her head. “Not all of it.” She paused, then sat down on his desk chair heavily. 

He stayed quiet, giving her the space she gave him to sort through her thoughts. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she met his gaze. 

“If I tell you what I’m about to tell you, you have to _promise_ me that you won’t tell anybody.” 

“I promise,” he said immediately. She searched his eyes, presumably looking for his sincerity. He knew she’d find it. 

She nodded and took a deep breath. 

_“What could be so bad?”_ he wondered, before giving her his undivided attention. 

“As you so astutely guessed,” she shot him a half smile, “I am a member of the Reds.” She paused and he nodded, but kept silent. It irked him, her affiliation, but he had a feeling that wasn’t the worst thing she was about to divulge. As she said, he’d already guessed it; it’s not like it was a secret between them anymore. 

“The part that you don’t know is that I wasn’t accepted on my own.” He furrowed his brow in confusion and she nodded, understanding his puzzlement. “That ‘big thing’ I did to get in with them?” she asked. 

He nodded. “Breaking into Admiral Horace’s compound.” 

“Yeah. If it got out that I’d gotten caught by him, I never would have been accepted. The test would have been considered a failure, and they would have run me off the block.” 

“Okay…” Kaidan said slowly, still not quite understanding what she was getting at. “So what’d you do to get in with them?” 

She shook her head. “Nothing. The Horace thing was enough.” 

“But you said they’d never accept it if you were caught. And you _were_ caught.” 

“Yeah,” she said. “But nobody found out about it. The guys I brought with me bolted as soon as they helped me over the wall.” She shrugged. “I paid them to get me into the place, not out.” 

He nodded, but he still didn’t quite understand. “So if they had left, then no one would have known that you got caught. Your trial would still have been successful, as far as the Reds were concerned.” 

She smiled. “You’d think that. But the Reds’ know. They always know.” 

“How?” 

But Madelyn just raised her eyebrows at him, as if she was waiting for him to put two and two together.

And it took him longer than it should have, but eventually he realized the connection. 

“The Reds have people in the Alliance?” She nodded slowly. “But, why?” 

At that, she shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t been able to find out why. I think maybe they’re looking to expand their operations off-world. And doing that requires an intimate understanding of the Alliance - their presence on planets and space stations, and how they operate, how they’re organized and chain of command and all that.” 

Kaidan nodded, taking in the new information. But then it hit him. 

“Wait...what do you mean, you haven’t been able to find out why? Are you...are you _reporting on the Reds for the Alliance?”_ he hissed the question, aware he needed to keep his voice down, but overwhelmed by the sudden anger that overtook him. 

She raised an eyebrow at him, seemingly put off by his reaction. “Yeah. _That’s_ my true agreement with Horace. Yeah I get the JROTC stuff, the implant and the training and the lectures,” she smiled briefly before a serious expression took over her face again, “but the real reason he let me go is because he wanted an agent inside the Reds. He wanted to know their operation. And their plans to get off Earth.” 

“ _What_?” he asked, still trying to control his temper. 

She shrugged. “He falsified the reports. Made it seem like I got in and out, no problem. No record of me getting caught. Just the short claim he put in with the supply specialist that he needed a new desk plaque. But they knew - the _right people_ knew, I should say - that the missing deck plaque was my doing. In fact,” she chuckled softly, “they were even more impressed that I got out when the two guys I brought with me returned without me. They knew I didn’t have an exit plan. I told them I didn’t have an exit plan that _they knew of_ and that it wouldn’t have been smart for me to clue them in, in case they got caught. Couldn’t trust my whole op to people I didn’t know.” She smiled again. 

“And they believed that?” 

“Completely. Especially since they had their own sources verifying my claims. So I was in. And I’ve been feeding Horace information ever since.” 

“I can’t believe it,” Kaidan said softly, desperately attempting to keep the anger out of his voice. It wasn’t _her_ fault. 

“Yeah, it _is_ pretty unbelievable, I guess.” She shrugged. “Like I said, complicated. But there you have it. My life in a nutshell. And why I can’t ever leave the Reds. If I did, my op would be compromised.” 

That did it. He didn’t know why, but that one specific phrase...“my op.” It threw off whatever shackles he’d kept on his emotions. He jumped up, too agitated to remain seated. 

“No! I can’t believe the Alliance is _still doing that shit_ ,” he practically shouted. He was keenly aware of his parents still in the house, and didn’t want them coming to check on what was going on, not until he had his answers. So he tried his hardest to keep his voice as level as possible. 

It was Madelyn’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “Do what shit?” 

“Throwing _children_ to the wolves! It’s not fucking fair, or fucking right!” 

“I’m 16,” she said quietly. 

“Yeah, but just barely. And that’s beside the point!” Now it was his turn to start pacing. “You weren’t 16 then! You were 15 when you joined up, and if I’m getting the story straight, you were _15_ when the Alliance recruited you! This is just another instance of them abusing biotic children.” 

“This has nothing to do with being biotic - ” 

“The hell it doesn’t! That’s probably why you’re in this situation in the first place! Your mother probably gave you up because you were biotic! She probably took one look at you, saw the malformation of your nervous system, and said ‘thanks, but no thanks.’ It’s because you’re biotic that you have no family, that you had to fall in with the Reds, that you had to get caught and get used by the Alliance. And furthermore,” he said, raising his voice when she opened her mouth to speak, “I’m sure Horace took an interest in you only because you’re biotic. I’m sure if you were just a ‘regular’ criminal, he would have thrown you in jail, with all the other juvenile delinquents the cops manage to round up.” 

“You finished?” she asked. Her voice was infuriatingly calm. Why wasn’t she more upset by this? 

She must have taken his silence as affirmation, for she began speaking. “First of all, how _dare_ you mention my parents. On my _birthday_ of all days.” When he tried to apologize, she just talked over him. “Second of all, you have _no idea_ what Horace and my conversation was like. Did you ever think that maybe I _wanted_ to be an undercover agent? Did you ever think that maybe I thought I could _do some good_ by reporting on their activity? You have _no idea_ how many lives I’ve saved, how many _slaves_ I’ve helped free, because of my association with both the Reds and the Alliance. I’m not _stupid_ , Kaidan. I knew I had a choice. I was 15, they couldn’t hold me in prison forever. If I didn’t take his deal, there’d be something on my juvie record, but it wouldn’t prevent me from joining the Alliance, especially not as a biotic. You know they’d never turn one of us down.” He nodded. “So don’t lecture me on what I had to do to survive. I made the wisest choice to help the most people - ” 

“But you didn’t! You made the wisest choice to help _them_! Can’t you see how they’re using you?” 

“They’re using you, too,” she shot back. 

He sat down suddenly, as if he was actually shot, with a bullet. She was right. They _were_ using him. And he was letting them, out of guilt for shutting down BAaT, out of fear of retribution for his actions against Vyrnnus, for a sense that he _owed_ them something for not throwing his ass in jail. 

He was just like her. 

“You’re right,” he said. His sudden change in mood must have alarmed her, because she came over and sat down next to him again and tried to take his hand again. But he didn’t let her. 

“I’m just like you,” he told her quietly. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“I mean that you’re right. I’m being used, just like you are. Because I think I owe it to them. They ‘helped’ me after what went down at BAaT, so I felt like I had to do what they asked of me. But they didn’t help me, not really. All they did was not throw me in jail. Same as you.” He met her eyes, pleading with her. “Don’t you understand? They’re holding us hostage. Using us for what we are, because we think they did something good for us. And maybe they did, but that shouldn’t dictate the rest of our lives.” 

“I’m doing good, Kaidan,” she said. 

“Yeah, maybe. But for how long? How long does Horace expect you to last? Does he have an extraction plan for you? Have you even asked him about that? Did you even think this whole thing through? If they want you to stay on long enough, you’re going to be expected to move up. You can’t just stay a low-level lackey forever. And what then? What’s gonna happen when you need to do something truly heinous? Like kill someone?” At her silence, a horrific thought crossed his mind. “Have you already killed someone?” 

When she shook her head, he released a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. “Trust me, you don’t want to,” he said, his thoughts flashing to Vyrnnus’ body, bent and broken as a result of _his_ actions. 

“I’m going to have to learn to kill eventually. Alliance service is in my future.” 

“But why? Why does it have to be? You don’t _have_ to serve. There’s no one holding a gun to your head telling you you need to serve or die.” 

“Isn’t there?” she asked softly. And the look on her face made his heart break. 

“I can get you out. We can help. My dad still knows some people - ” 

“Kaidan, stop,” she said, and when she reached for his hand again, he let her take it. “This is the choice I made, the path I’m taking. And it’s a good one. I really _am_ helping people, saving people. And I want to get trained so I can continue to do that. It’s a good job, a good life.” 

“But there are so many other options for you,” he said. 

But she just shook her head sadly. “I started on this path 16 years ago. You said so yourself. Biotics put me here. And I’m going to see it through.” 

“I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry,” he began, but she interrupted him. 

“You did, Kaidan. And that’s okay. You didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know already. But I made my peace with it long ago. And I’m excited to see where this path leads.” 

“You don’t know what you’re asking for,” he said, tears entering his eyes now. “It’s a hard life, a rough life. They don’t treat biotics the same. They push us, _hard_ , and make us do things that we’d never thought possible…” 

She smiled at him, but it seemed forced, somehow. “I’ve already done things I’ve never thought possible.” 

He knew she probably wasn’t boasting or exaggerating. As much as they’ve talked, there was still so much about her past, her history, that he didn’t know. And he didn’t know how to help her.

“Can’t you let me save you?” he asked, a tear escaping as he tried to blink them away. 

She reached up to wipe it away and he leaned into her touch. “I don’t need saving, Kaidan. Like I said, this is my choice, and I’m sticking with it.” 

He shook his head. It _wasn’t_ her choice, not really. Why couldn’t she see that? Why couldn’t she see that she was throwing her life away for something that didn’t need to happen? 

_“The Alliance,”_ he thought. This was all due to the Alliance. And he was part of them. Which meant he was part of the problem. 

He couldn’t abide by that. 

“That might be your choice, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Nor does that mean I have to sit on the sidelines and watch it happen, either,” he said. 

“What are you talking about?” she said. “You aren’t sitting on the sidelines. You’re _part_ of this, part of the Alliance.” 

“Not for long,” he stated. 

“What?” 

“I’m leaving the Alliance. I’m going to tell them tomorrow. I’ve done more than enough for them. They can’t prevent me from leaving. I owe them nothing.” 

“You’d leave the Alliance?” she asked, a look of horror flitting over her face. “But...why? What are you going to do?” 

“I’d think the ‘why’ would be obvious,” he said, glaring at her. “I can’t watch them do this, not again, not to someone I - I care about. Not again,” he repeated, emphasizing the point as Shelby’s face came to him. “And you made me realize I’m part of the problem. As long as I give the Alliance a second of my time, I’m being a hypocrite. I’m working for an organization that shredded my soul, that _killed my friends_...and I can’t sit by and watch them do that again. And to stand up for my principles, to do something I _really_ believe in...I have to leave.” 

He glanced at her, hoping to convince her to join him, but she just looked sad and shook her head. 

“That’s not right, Kaidan. I’m sorry you went through that, but they know the mistakes they’ve made. They know they shouldn’t do that again. Of course there are going to be issues when dealing with anything new. And I _am_ sorry you got caught up in it, I really am. But the right choice isn’t to leave, it’s to make changes from the inside, to lead by example.” 

“I thought that’s what I was doing. But seeing you, knowing what they’re doing with you...they haven’t changed.” He shook his head. “Everything I’m doing is worthless. And I’m deluded if I think I’m doing anything important. I can do so much better outside of them.” 

“Kaidan, that’s not true - ” 

“It _is_ true. And I’m sorry you can’t see that. I know so much more than you, I’ve been around longer, I understand these things in a way you can’t.” 

Now it was her turn to get heated. “You’re not _that_ much older than me, and you haven’t been around _that_ much longer than me. You’ve got what, a year on me?” 

Kaidan just shook his head. “That’s not what I mean. BAaT was...it was a lot. It changed me and it opened my eyes to things I wouldn’t have even imagined knowing before I went there. It has nothing to do with age and everything to do with experience. And I should have left the Alliance as soon as I came home, but I thought - I truly thought - staying and trying to help from the inside was doing the right thing. But I can see now just how wrong I was. Being Alliance isn’t helping anything. I’m just a part of the problem. So tomorrow I’m tendering my resignation.” He met Madelyn’s eyes. “And you should, too.” 

“You know I can’t do that.” 

He shook his head sadly. “Then I’m sorry, I don’t think I can see you again.” 

“ _What_?” she exclaimed. 

“I’m sorry.” He truly was, and he tried to convey his emotion as much as possible. “But seeing you, knowing what you’re doing every day, knowing how much your life is in danger, and that it’s the _Alliance’s fault_ …” He took a deep breath. “I don’t think it would be good for me to keep you in my life.” 

“Kaidan…” she said. Her eyes hadn’t filled with tears, but that was the closest he’d seen her to being truly sad. In the couple of weeks he’d known her. Even though it felt like so much longer. 

His heart was breaking like it’d been so much longer. 

“I’m sorry,” he said again. 

She looked at him, that piercing, searching gaze that she leveled at him that first night they met. He knew she saw so much, that she was so intelligent. He hoped she saw how truly hurt he was to have to do this, but how much he _needed_ to. It was the only way he’d ever be able to move on. He needed to fully separate himself from the Alliance. And that meant anyone associated with it as well. 

After a few agonizing minutes, she just nodded. “I’m sorry, too.” She stood and kissed him softly. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.” 

Kaidan couldn’t speak; emotion had closed his throat and he couldn’t swallow it away, no matter how hard he tried. 

“Be safe, Kaidan,” she said, when she probably realized she wouldn’t get a response from him. 

And she turned on her heel and walked out of his door, and his life. 

He found his voice as his bedroom door closed behind her. “You too, Madelyn. And happy birthday.” 


	5. Chapter 5

**Four Years Later**

Madelyn was anxiously bouncing her leg up and down as she sat in the hard plastic chair, waiting for Kaidan’s name to be called. 

_“I shouldn’t be here,”_ she thought, biting her lip in nervousness. 

It was Kaidan’s graduation from the University of British Columbia and she felt like she was intruding on an important event that wasn’t meant for her. 

But she couldn’t help it; he was important to her, even if she hadn’t spoken to him in four years. Ever since her 16th birthday. 

She wasn’t proud to admit it, but she still kept tabs on him, even after she walked out of his life. He just...meant too much to her. It was weird; she barely knew him. But she knew, from the moment she realized it was him on Lions Gate Bridge, that she’d always care about him. She wouldn’t have attempted to save just anybody. 

But their paths were meant to diverge, she was meant to go one way and he another - she to the Alliance, and he to college. She was proud of him, proud that he was able to put what happened at BAaT behind him, to get his life in order. 

And she made sure he did. 

Not in any direct way, of course, but she ensured that he was still standing, still going home at the end of the day. 

The first few weeks after they decided to go their separate ways, she kept a constant eye on him. She even enlisted some of the younger kids to watch him when she was busy. As long as she paid them, they didn’t ask. But they did their jobs well, and made sure that Kaidan never made his way back to that bridge, nor did he take his dad’s firearm out of the safe. (She might have hinted to Mr. Alenko as she left that Kaidan would be okay, but just in case, he should change the combination of his safe). 

She wasn’t sorry for any of it. Especially if it led to today, to Kaidan walking across that stage in a cap and gown to receive a diploma, something she never got the chance to do. 

Though that may be why she decided to go to the event. Not that Kaidan didn’t do it all himself - he most certainly did. He went to the classes, completed all the projects, navigated the social situations of school. He didn’t just succeed, he _thrived_. It was nice to see. 

No, she was there because she finally got her orders to leave Earth, and it was the last time she’d be seeing him in person for awhile. She felt like his college graduation would be a nice capstone to their, admittedly one-sided, relationship. 

She didn’t want to admit to herself how much she’d miss him. So she’d use this last opportunity to absorb as much of him as possible. Even if it was from far away. 

That’s why - when it was his turn to cross the stage - she watched him, and only him. From the moment his row stood up to when he crossed the stage, to when he posed with his diploma for the holo-imager. 

Her eyes were still tracking him as he made his way back to his seat. She must have been watching too closely, however, because as he passed where she sat in the stadium - many rows up and far enough away that she should have been lost in the crowd - he looked up, and his eyes connected with hers. 

_“Fuck,”_ she thought. Well, that was her cue. She gathered her bag and made her way out of the stadium. Although she wasn’t _happy_ he caught her watching him, she wasn’t really mad either. At least she got to look into those perfect brown eyes one more time. 

_“Besides, you’ve grown up a lot in four years,”_ she told herself. _“He probably didn’t even recognize you.”_ That was true, she reasoned. God knew _he_ changed a lot. He grew from an admittedly well-built-for-a-teen 18-year-old to a really fit man. It seemed that - even though he resigned his Alliance commission - he hadn’t resigned from the Alliance fitness regimen. 

She was just about to grab a skycab home when her omni-tool pinged. She raised her eyebrows when she saw who it was from. 

Kaidan. 

Guess he did recognize her then. She pulled up the message. 

_Hey Madelyn -_

_This may sound completely out of the blue, and if it does, then just ignore this message, and I hope you’re well._

_But if it doesn’t...if you were expecting this, it’s because you were at my UBC graduation. That_ was _you, wasn’t it? I’d recognize you anywhere, even if you are four years older. I...I have to know. Why were you there? Were you there to see me? Cause if so..._

_I’d really like to know._

_Thanks,_

_Kaidan_

She read and reread the message as her brain tried to process it and come up with a response. She was found out, caught after four fucking years of a surveillance operation. How stupid was she? 

But a small voice in the back of her head - the one that she normally steadfastly ignored - told her that she _wanted_ him to find her. That she didn’t employ her usual tactics because she wanted to see if he’d notice her. 

Seems like he passed the test. 

Shaking her head, as if she couldn’t believe that she was doing it, she drafted a message back to him. 

_Hey Kaidan,_

_Yeah. That was me. Sorry if that seemed weird or out of place. I...I just wanted to see for myself that you were okay. And it seems like you are. More than okay, actually. I’m really proud of you, Kaidan. Good luck with everything in your future._

_\- Madelyn_

She considered what she wrote for much longer than she wanted to admit, but ultimately, she sent the message. 

Not two minutes later, she got a response. 

_I knew it. I knew that was you. You haven’t changed a bit._

_Will you meet me? I’d really like to see you again, if you want to see me. There are some things we should talk about._

_Let me know._

_\- Kaidan_

She smiled. She really shouldn’t go see him, but that part of her that she’d been repressing all these years, that part of her that still cared about him, took control of her body long enough to draft a simple message in return. 

_Triumph. 1830._

He sent back a simple message as well. 

_See you there_. 

* * *

For the first time in her life, Madelyn showed up early. It’s not that she was usually _late_ for things, it’s just that she prided herself on being the “right on time” type of girl - not too early so she had to wait around like a loser, but not too late so she wasn’t an inconvenience for anyone. 

But this time, she was too nervous. Waiting for 1830 seemed like _forever_ and she was overthinking everything while pacing in her apartment. So she decided to get some fresh air and walk. Walking still really did help her think through things. She cringed when she thought about being holed up in a cramped ship. Not a lot of walking space there. 

It seemed she gave herself too much time to get there, however. Even walking at a leisurely pace, she showed up outside Triumph 10 minutes early. So she sat on the concrete wall that protected pedestrians from the bay and waited, desperately trying not to think of Kaidan’s message. 

He said they had some things to talk about. What things? There really wasn’t anything she could think of that they would need to discuss. Unless...unless he knew she had been following his progress all these years? 

She shook her head, trying to get _that_ thought out of her mind. Besides, it didn’t make any sense. He seemed like he didn’t know if that was her at the graduation. If he knew she was keeping track of him, he’d probably know what she looked like. 

Still, it was enough to set her leg bouncing again and for her to nervously curl a strand of hair around her finger. 

She saw him well before he saw her. She watched as he stepped out of the skycar and draped his jacket over his arm. He hadn’t changed from graduation. Admittedly, neither had she. She still wore the same sundress and heels she put on for that afternoon’s event. 

Madelyn checked her watch. He was two minutes early himself. She smiled. At least he was consistent. 

He looked around, seemingly trying to find her, so she stood up from her perch on the wall and made her way over to him. 

“Hey,” she said when she was close enough to not have to shout. 

He wasn’t looking in her direction, so his head swiveled to her quite quickly when she spoke. 

“Hey yourself,” he said, a guarded expression on his face. She smiled tentatively, not quite sure if she should hug him or not. The last time they had shared the same space physically, she kissed him. 

_“That was four years ago, you dolt,”_ she admonished herself. Yeah, that was true. So she went with the safest thing she could do. 

“Congratulations,” she said, keeping her hands clasped in front of her. 

That seemed to break some of the awkwardness between them and he laughed a little. “Yeah, thanks,” he said. 

She gestured to his jacket. “I hope I’m not taking you away from your family. This is an important day, you should be celebrating with them.” 

He smiled ruefully. “Well, my mom wasn’t _thrilled_ when I told her I’d be stepping out for a bit, but she knows I have friends. And I - ” he hesitated for a moment before continuing, “I wanted to see you. And I just had this nagging feeling that if I didn’t see you today, I’d miss my chance.” 

Madelyn’s smile grew bigger. He always was so perceptive. It would have served him well in the Alliance. 

“There goes that intuition of yours,” she said. “I ship out tomorrow.” His eyes flashed at that, but he remained silent. “I can tell you more...over dinner though?” She gestured to the door. “I’m starving.” 

He chuckled at that. “I can see some things haven’t changed.” 

She just shrugged. “I’m still biotic.” She reached out and poked him and the static discharge shocked her, a sensation she assumed he felt as well. “As are you.” 

A flicker passed over his features, but he quickly smothered it with another smile and Madelyn wasn’t perceptive enough to see what it was. 

“Touché,” he said, although there was no humour in his voice. “Shall we?” 

She just nodded, walking into the restaurant. She wasn’t sure what just happened, but she also wasn’t sure if she wanted to poke him hard enough to figure it out. She wanted to keep this interaction as civil as possible. 

She reached the kiosk and - to her delight - realized their usual table was unoccupied. Suppressing a grin, she input their information. It was a beautiful spring day and the restaurant was fairly busy. It was very lucky they were able to get that table. 

“This way,” she said, flashing back to four years ago, when a much more distressed-looking Kaidan had followed her to the second floor balcony.

When he put together where they were going, he raised his eyebrows. “It’s available? In this crowd?” 

“I know, right?” she said, looking at him over her shoulder as she approached the table. “Very lucky it was free. I was surprised when I saw it on the kiosk. Must be fate or something,” she said, attempting humour.

“Or something,” he said quietly. She decided she’d let that slide. 

She grabbed the kiosk off the table and was gonna input her usual order when she saw the name of the beer on special and did a double-take. “Summer Solstice.” Was the universe trying to tell her something? 

She wasn’t religious at all, but at some point, she had to sit up and pay attention to what was being put in front of her. 

“Heh, Summer Solstice is on special. Two-for-one. Wanna get a round?” she asked. 

Kaidan raised his eyebrows, seemingly shocked at the information. “Summer Solstice never goes on special. It’s brewed in quantities that are so small, they barely make enough to meet demand,” he said. 

She just shrugged. “Maybe Triumph got an extra shipment or something. It _is_ graduation weekend, maybe they thought they’d do more business that way? I dunno.” 

He shook his head, a bemused expression on his face. “Yeah, go ahead. And why don’t you get an order of nachos while you’re at it? We can split them.” 

Madelyn chuckled at that. “Okay, so two Summer Solstices, an order of nachos, and one bacon cheeseburger, coming right up.” 

At Kaidan’s look, she just shrugged again. “If we’re going that far, we might as well go all in.” 

He let out his own chuckle. “Fair enough.” 

She finished ordering, then settled back in her chair, gazing at Kaidan with a mildly curious expression. He was the one who asked for the meeting - so she wasn’t going to get into it first. 

Then again, she _did_ show up at his graduation unannounced. 

“I’m sorry - ” they both said at the same time. Madelyn burst out laughing and Kaidan joined in. It really was just too fucking funny. 

“You go first,” she said, trying to catch her breath. 

“No, no, you. I insist.” 

She inhaled deeply, trying to get herself under control, which she did...eventually. Once the two of them had calmed down, she began again. 

“I’m sorry to have crashed your graduation like that,” she said. “It wasn’t my intention for you to see me.” 

He tilted his head at that, as if he was confused. “Why are you apologizing? I’m glad you came, I’m glad I get to see you again, one last time.” 

“Because it’s weird as fuck,” she said, ignoring the butterflies that fluttered in her stomach at his words. 

He just chuckled, shaking his head. 

“I don’t know you, not really,” she continued. “And it’s no business of mine what you do with your life, and I shouldn’t care about you graduating college.” 

_“But I do,”_ she wanted to say, but somehow couldn’t bring herself to. 

Kaidan nodded. “I mean, fair enough.” He paused for a moment as their drinks arrived. 

“Cheers,” she said, grabbing her glass and lifting it to him. “Congratulations on completing four years of higher education. Here’s to a successful future for you.” 

He raised his glass in turn. “Congrats on finally getting off-world.” She smiled as they clinked their beers together and took a sip. 

They sat in silence for a moment as they let the crisp, fresh taste evaporate on their tongue. This time, Kaidan broke the silence. 

“Honestly? I thought you were there for someone else, who just happened to be graduating the same time as me,” he said, shrugging. “But when I looked up again to find you, you had gone. So...I messaged. Sorry if that was weird.” 

“Not weird at all. Though - someone else? I don’t have anyone else,” she laughed to cover any awkwardness that statement might have caused. 

Kaidan shrugged again. “I don’t know. You have lots of friends...one of them could have gone to school. I’m sure those skills would come in handy in...their line of work. Or, I don’t know, maybe you had a boyfriend or something.” He mumbled the last bit, so Madelyn almost didn’t catch the words. But she knew she’d heard what he said correctly by the light flush that tinged his cheeks. 

She smiled at him again, really smiled. He was always so adorable when he blushed. 

“No boyfriend to speak of,” she said, and she could have sworn she heard a small rush of air release from him, “and I don’t really have friends. I guess there are a few people in the Alliance, but I’m actually kept pretty isolated.” 

Kaidan paused, as if thinking about what he was going to say, before asking, “What about your...work friends? Do you not keep in touch with them?” 

He looked away from her as he said that. She knew her work with the Reds was a sticking point between them, so she didn’t blame him for being concerned about bringing it up. He was probably wondering how she would react. 

“Haven’t had those friends in a bit,” she said, keeping her tone even and trying to suppress a smile. 

His eyes snapped to hers at that and she got lost in them for a second. They had gotten a bit darker as he aged. Now instead of a honey-brown, they were more a deep whiskey color. She loved how they reflected his emotions so easily as well. 

She shook her head, having completely missed what he said. “Sorry,” she said sheepishly. “I got distracted.” 

“It’s okay,” he said, and sympathy now filled his eyes. 

_“He probably thinks I had to do something terrible to get out,”_ she thought. 

“I just asked what happened?” 

“Oh.” She paused for a second, giving herself a chance to think about how to phrase what happened in a way that was easily understood by him, but wouldn't give anything away if anyone else was listening. 

“My...friends got a bit too numerous for my liking. I much prefer smaller groups. So I politely extricated myself from them. They seem okay. I don’t really keep tabs on them anymore, but I know some people that do, and they tell me they’re doing just fine.” She hoped he could read between the lines. 

It appeared her faith in him wasn’t misplaced, for he just nodded. “I’m glad to hear that.” And she really thought he was. 

“So, what did you want to talk about?” she asked. Kaidan opened his mouth to answer, but their food arrived at that moment. 

“Excellent,” she said, digging in. 

He just chuckled at her, though his amusement didn’t seem to last long. His face turned serious. “I wanted to say I’m sorry,” he said. 

Madelyn paused, a nacho held in her hand halfway between the plate and her mouth. “ _You’re_ sorry?” she asked, incredulously. “What for?” 

Now it was Kaidan’s turn to look incredulous. “For kicking you out of my life,” he stated matter-of-factly. “I never should have done that. It was a cowardly move.” 

She started shaking her head before he had even finished speaking, putting her nacho back down on her plate. “No way, it was actually really brave, you doing what you did.” 

He raised his eyebrows so high they looked like they might arch off his head, but she continued before he could say anything. 

“You took control of your life, Kaidan. In the way that you needed to at that moment. You took a stand, made a choice for what was best for you. I’m actually really proud of you.” Her face flushed a bit as she said that, but she didn’t break her eye contact with him. 

“I…” he began, but trailed off. “Thank you.” His shoulders seemed to sag a bit as the words came out of his mouth. 

She considered him a moment before speaking again, but she had been observing him long enough to know what she was seeing. “Has...has that been weighing on you this whole time?” He hesitated, then nodded, refusing to meet her eyes. “Why?” 

She didn’t mean to ask that, but there was no taking it back once it was out there. She didn’t want to put any pressure on him to explain himself, but she also couldn’t help her curiosity. 

After a few moments, he met her eyes. “Because I feel like I hurt you. And I had such guilt about that...you seemed like you could really use a friend. And I took that away from you. I took that away from _me_.” 

She nodded and resumed eating. “You did,” she said, and she saw the hurt pass over his face. “But I’m a strong girl, Kaidan. Did it suck not having you in my life? Absolutely. But I knew why you did it. And if it helped you _have_ a life, if it helped you succeed, if it led you to _this_ ,” she gestured at him, “then it was all worth it.” 

He just shook his head and began eating again as well. “You haven’t changed a bit,” he said, smiling slightly. 

“Oh?” she asked, a teasing tone to her voice. “Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?” 

“A very good thing,” he said softly, still maintaining eye contact. 

_Oh_. There went those butterflies again. She tried to clamp them down, but it was a lot harder when he was looking at her like that. _Fuck_ , she really did like him. 

“Do you ever wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t insisted on us not being friends anymore?” he asked, still staring at her. 

Her heartbeat sped up as she considered the question. Yes of course. _Of course_ she had thought about that. His kiss had kept her warm many lonely nights. When she’d had a particularly bad day, or when she was really missing having true friends or family, she often thought of him and what could have been. 

Those nights she never got much sleep. 

She realized he was still patiently waiting for her answer. She nodded vigorously. She never was one to hide the truth from him. “All the time,” she admitted. 

His eyes widened slightly at that. “Really?” he asked, almost breathlessly. 

She just shrugged, lifting one shoulder as she took a deep swig of her beer. “Yeah. I mean...I really liked you, Kaidan. I _still_ like you, to the extent someone could like someone whom they haven’t seen in 4 years…” she trailed off as fire flashed in his eyes. “What?” 

“I’ve missed you,” he murmured, laying his hand on the table, well within her reach. It wasn’t a question, nor did he seem to be begging for anything. Rather, it was an offer. 

The butterflies in her stomach burst free of their containment and her whole body started tingling in anticipation of what might happen. 

_“But what_ could _happen? You’re going off-world tomorrow,”_ she reminded herself. Her body contracted inwardly as that realization hit her. It felt like a bucket of cold water had been thrown over her. 

She met his eyes, and there was no judgement there, no impatience or exasperation or demanding. Just... _him_ , patiently waiting for her answer, giving her all the time she needed to process what was happening. 

God, he hadn’t changed. 

“Kaidan,” she began, and he curled the fingers of his hand on the table into a fist and began to withdraw it back to his lap. She reached out to stop him, grasping his hand with her own, and the resulting biotic shock that occurred was almost overwhelming. 

_“Holy shit,”_ she thought, though she didn’t remove her hand from his. 

“Your powers have grown,” he said, as an explanation to her unasked question. “The stronger the biotic, the more potent the shock is when we touch.” 

“What about you?” she asked, still staring at where they touched. “Shouldn’t your powers have decreased by now, not making it that bad?” 

_“Or was he just that powerful,”_ she wondered. 

He blushed and withdrew his hand again. She let him this time. “I…” he looked away from her. “I never stopped training,” he murmured. 

She raised her eyebrows, shocked at the admission. “Wow. I mean, I can see you kept up the physical fitness,” she said, letting a half smile reach her lips, “but I had no idea you kept up with your biotics training. Why?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. 

He shrugged. “I always have to use my biotics. Every day,” he said by way of explanation. She nodded. He told her that the first day they met. “So, if I had to use them, why not do something productive with it? I still remembered the exercises from Brain Camp. So I’d go to the gym and do them on my own. It helped.” 

She nodded again. “I don’t blame you,” she said, and he seemed to relax a little. “Sorry. It just took me by surprise a bit, that’s all.” 

He smiled now. “Understandable. I can imagine you wouldn’t have expected that.” He fell silent again, concentrating on his food and not looking at her. 

Oh yeah. He was waiting for her response to his statement that he missed her. 

“Kaidan,” she began again. She waited until he glanced up at her before continuing. “I don’t know what to say about you missing me, and me liking you.” He furrowed his brows and looked like he was going to say something, but she spoke before he could. “I’m very happy to hear that.” He closed his mouth at her words. “But - and this is a really big ‘but’ - I’m going off-world tomorrow. I just...I’m not sure it’d be fair.” 

He seemed to consider what she’d said for a few moments, then held her gaze with his own. “What do you think?” 

“What?” she asked, not sure what he was asking. 

“Do you think it would be fair?” 

“I…” she trailed off, not sure how to answer that question. “I’m not sure I understand the purpose of the question.” She was stalling for time, though it seemed he knew that, so he answered her. 

“I don’t want to color your answer, so I won’t tell you whether or not I think it’d be fair for us to start something knowing you’d be going off-world. My question is - do _you_ think it fair? Or do you not want to be held back by a relationship with me? Do you not want to have one last tether to tie you to Earth? It’s a big galaxy, Madelyn. I’m well aware of the opportunities the Alliance can offer, both professionally _and_ personally. And if you want the free reign to explore both, go ahead. I won’t stop you.” He paused for a moment. “So that’s what I want to know. How do _you_ feel about the situation?” 

She barely heard anything he said after “relationship.” 

“You...you want to be in a relationship with me? Why?” she asked. “You don’t even know me.” 

He smiled and actually reached for her hand this time, which she let him take. She was more prepared for the shock. 

“Madelyn. I’ve wanted to be in a relationship with you since the day I met you.” Her mind flashed warning signs about a Florence Nightingale situation, but he seemed to already be addressing that. Damn that perception. “And no, it’s not because you saved me, although I’ll forever be grateful to you for that. No. I’ve wanted to be with you ever since you called me a padawan. Maddy...you’re something special. I think _we_ could be something special. And I want to explore that with you. If you’ll let me. I know I fucked it up when I pushed you away, I know I have no right to expect - ”

His words cut off as Madelyn tugged on his hand. She had stood up suddenly and pulled him so he’d stand up with her. And when he had, she drew him toward her, and kissed him. 

She melted into him, keeping her one hand in his as she wrapped her other around his waist, hugging him. It was just as she remembered. _He_ was just as she remembered. And though he seemed to be shocked by her actions at first, he quickly began responding to her. 

God she missed this - missed _him_. She’d kissed guys since her 16th birthday, of course, but none of them were like _this_. It was weird, but it just seemed like nobody fit with her the way Kaidan did. It was almost as if she and Kaidan were designed to complement one another. 

She felt him pull her closer to him, and all thoughts rushed out of her head. All she could concentrate on, all she _wanted_ to concentrate on, was the sensation of his mouth on hers. She never wanted to forget that feeling. 

* * *

It was like no time had passed at all. She tasted the same, _smelled_ the same, felt the same…

He had to admit he was surprised as fuck when she pulled him in for a kiss, but he didn’t regret it one bit. As he entwined his fingers with hers and wrapped his free hand around the small of her back, drawing her closer to him, he had the distinct feeling of everything finally clicking into place. There was something that had been missing in his life, ever since he kicked her out of it. And now, because of divine providence, or karma, or luck, or just circumstances, she had found her way back to him. And he was complete. 

He was keenly aware they were in a public place, so he pulled away from her a lot sooner than he wanted to. He kept her close though, pulling her body flush to his as he touched his forehead to her own, their breaths mingling as they both panted slightly. 

He decided he should be the one to speak first. 

“That was…” he started, but he found he didn’t have the words to put into context what he felt. Not without scaring her away. 

“Yeah,” she said on her exhale. 

“We should probably sit down,” he murmured, placing a light kiss on the tip of her nose. 

“Yeah,” she said again, though this time she was smiling. Neither of them seemed to want to move, however. 

He decided to treat it like he was ripping off a band-aid; he stepped fully back from her, removing himself from her grip, and sat down before he could change his mind. Thankfully, she followed suit. 

And to his amazement, he noticed a flush on her face. 

“Well...that was...something,” he said. He cursed his lack of eloquence, but his mind hadn’t quite caught up with his body yet. 

She looked at him at that, though, a guarded look in her eyes. “‘Something’ good? Or ‘something’ bad?” 

“‘Something’ good, most definitely,” he answered immediately. He didn’t miss the small exhale she let out at his words. “Don’t you think so?” 

“Yeah of course I do, I’m the one that - ” she cut herself off, and flushed even harder. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.” 

“I’m not,” he said, reaching out for her hand again. She took it and the shock between them was almost comforting. “I’m glad you did. Honestly, I probably would have been too shy to do anything. So I’m glad you took that first leap.” 

She smiled and ran her thumb over his knuckles. “I’d like to think you would have gotten up the nerve eventually.” 

“True,” he said. “But time is of the essence. Considering you leave tomorrow.” Her face fell at that, and he broached the question again. He really did need to know how she felt about them starting something, especially considering she was about to get a whole bunch of new experiences and opportunities. He knew what that was like - and knew the importance of starting with a clean slate. Maybe that’s what she needed. And if it was, then he’d be okay with it. 

Eventually. 

She hesitated, and his heart contracted, worried that he’d missed his chance with her, worried that she really _would_ want to start her time in the Alliance free of any burdens. 

“I think…” he held his breath as she started speaking. “I think I’d like to try.” He let go of the air he was holding. “It’s not gonna be easy though,” she said, a warning tone to her voice. “I really have no idea what I’m walking into. I might not be able to contact you for weeks at a time. And I’m not...I’m not sure if what we’re gonna be able to have could even count as a relationship. But…” she squeezed his hand. “I want to try. I think we owe it to each other to try. I like you, Kaidan, I really do. And I…I want to see where this goes.” 

His heart leapt with joy and he knew a huge grin had appeared on his face, but he didn’t care. He had hoped...for all these years he had hoped he’d get the chance to make up for his colossal mistake, for pushing her out of his life when he should have held her close. They missed out on so much time...and now she was leaving…

A thought struck him suddenly, and his mouth dried out at the idea of it. But...he knew it was the right thing to do. He had to make up for lost time. 

Taking a deep breath, he took the plunge, hoping she’d leap with him. 

“You wanna get out of here?” 

She looked at him, eyes wide with surprise. Slowly, however, a knowing grin spread over her face. “Yeah,” she said, squeezing his fingers again. “Yeah, I do.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's extra long, but it's the smut, so I didn't think y'all would mind. ;) Enjoy!

They quickly paid the bill - or, Kaidan should say, _Maddy_ paid the bill - for his graduation, she said, which he couldn’t argue with, and they headed downstairs. He had held her hand ever since they got up from the table. He told himself the tingling sensation that was permeating his body was just their biotics reacting to each other, but he knew better. It wasn’t just her biotics making him feel this way...it was _her_. And he wanted to soak up as much of it as possible before she had to go away. 

“So…” she said, giggling. It still shocked him to see her do that. “Your place or mine?” He was about to answer when she spoke up again. “Actually, can we do yours? I’m basically all packed, and my apartment is empty of anything that would be...helpful.” Her eyes twinkled and he wasn’t sure if he was interpreting her words correctly. 

Either way, he knew that he’d find out sooner rather than later. 

“Okay, my place it is.” He smiled and called up a skycar. 

They waited together quietly, just absorbing each other’s energy. The silence let his mind wander, and his thoughts turned to the events of the day. If he had known, when he woke up that morning, that he’d have reestablished a connection with Madelyn, that they’d be about to start a _relationship_...he would have thought he was going crazy. He _never_ expected to see her again. But now that he had…

His thoughts trailed to when he first saw her in the stands as he was walking back to his seat after getting his diploma. He was so elated at his success that he almost thought he imagined her, his mind conjuring the image of the one person who he wished could be there, but wasn’t. 

But then, he realized that he _hadn’t_ imagined her, she seemed too real. So he took a chance. And he was ever-so-thankful he did. 

Thinking of his graduation made him remember his parents and the celebration he left. It wasn’t anything big, they had already done the fancy thing at lunch, where his parents gave him a gift that he absolutely didn’t deserve, but then they returned to the house and were going to just spend some quality time together. And while he felt a little guilty about leaving them, this was more important. 

They’d understand. 

Still, he figured he should probably message to tell them he wouldn’t be going back to the house tonight. He did just that, adding that he’d make it up to them by swinging by for dinner tomorrow. He hoped that’d mollify them enough. 

Then he put his ‘tool on silent, cause he didn’t want any interruptions, nothing to keep him from giving Maddy his undivided attention. 

The skycar arrived and it was only a short trip to his place. They could have walked, but she was in heels, and he didn’t want her to be uncomfortable. 

The car dropped them off in front of an apartment building that overlooked the south side of the bay. It was close to campus and he was glad he still was able to see the water from his place. It calmed him. 

They chatted amiably about his time at UBC as they rode the elevator up to the 11th floor and walked down the hall toward his apartment. 

“Here we are,” he said, waving his ‘tool in front of the door lock. “Home sweet home. It’s not much, but it did its job.” He looked around at his place. He was fairly pleased with how clean he kept it. He knew there was room for improvement, but overall, he was proud to call the place his own. 

“It’s awesome,” Madelyn said, turning in a circle to take in the space. 

The one bedroom apartment had a simple layout. It consisted of a living space, a small dining nook, and a kitchen with an island where he liked to sit to eat. A small L-shaped hallway led to his bathroom and his bedroom. He had books stacked all over the place and a few items of clothing draped over the chairs in the dining nook, but other than that, there shouldn’t be too much she could find wrong. 

“Not too shabby,” he said, shrugging as he gestured to the couch. “Have a seat.” 

“‘Not too shabby’?” she repeated as she did as he indicated. “Kaidan, this is loads better than any place I’ve had. And to be able to call it your own? That’s incredible.” 

“Yeah, well,” he said, heading to the kitchen to grab some beer. “I didn’t do it all on my own. I was lucky enough to have my parents’ help.” 

“Yeah,” she said quietly. He poked his head up over the fridge door, trying to get a read on her. She didn’t _sound_ sad, but he knew her life hadn’t been easy, and it would have been a lot simpler for her if she’d had parents that cared about her. It broke his heart every time he thought of what she had to deal with already...and she was just barely 19. It wasn’t fair. 

But, there wasn’t much he could do about it; it was in the past and - more importantly - out of his control. What he _could_ do, however, was make sure she had a great last night on Earth. Whatever she wanted to do, if it was within his capacity to do it, he would. 

Well, within reason, of course. 

“Kaidan?” she asked, a small smile playing upon her lips. 

“Huh?” he asked, shaking his head and realizing he was staring at her with the refrigerator door open. “Oh, sorry. You want a beer?” 

“Sure,” she said. He could tell she was trying to suppress a giggle. “You okay?” she asked. 

“Yeah, sorry,” he said, grabbing two bottles and popping off the tops. “Just distracted. You want a glass?” 

“Out of the bottle’s fine,” she said. He nodded and walked over to her, handing her the beer as he joined her on the couch. 

“Distracted, huh?” she said, glancing at the beer’s label but not taking a sip yet. “About anything in particular?” 

He smirked at her. “Well...I _may_ be distracted by the beautiful girl sitting in my apartment.” 

She raised her eyebrows. “Oh? Where is she? I’d love to meet her.” 

Oh, she wanted to play, did she? That was fine with him. He settled back against the couch, resting his ankle on his knee and throwing one arm across the back cushions, not too far from where she was sitting, but not close enough to touch her yet, either. 

“She’s in the other room. She’s a bit shy though. Might take her a bit to come out and say hi.” 

It was Madelyn’s turn to smirk. “Well, maybe I’ll just have to go into the room to find her.” 

_Oh_. He knew he was blushing a little at the implication. He’d thought about being with her more times than he cared to admit, dreamt of what it’d be like to have her in his arms again...but now that the situation was right in front of him...he was uncharacteristically nervous, and it took him by surprise. He’d been with other women before, but the fact that it was _Madelyn_ sitting in front of him...Madelyn fucking Shepard. Who’d have thought. 

She was still looking at him, her green eyes sparkling with joy. He made the decision then and there to see where it would go, to let the night take its course. It seemed the universe had a plan for them, and who was he to interfere? There was no reason to stop whatever might happen. As long as she was on the same page, of course. 

He held up his bottle, tilting the neck toward her to offer her a toast. “To tonight,” he said. 

“Whatever that will bring,” she added, smiling as she leaned her own bottle’s neck forward to clink against his. 

They both took a sip of the beer. The carbonation quickly evaporated in his mouth, and he let the sensation wash over him. He really did love the libation. 

“What do you think?” he asked, when she put the bottle down on the end table next to her. 

“It’s good,” she said, licking her lip to catch a drop that had escaped. “But I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.” She smiled again. 

“Heh, thanks,” he said, taking another sip and trying to avoid looking at her lips for the moment. He wanted her to set the pace. It was important to him that she was comfortable. He didn’t want to push her to do anything she didn’t want. “At least I’m good for something,” he said. 

“You’re good for lots of things,” she said quietly. His heartbeat sped up at that. God this woman was beautiful. His stomach clenched as he tried to steady his breathing and keep focused on this present. This was the last time they’d be together for - well, he didn’t know how long. And that alone was enough to make him drink her in for as long as he could. 

“Thanks,” he said again, smiling with an ease he did not feel. “So,” he continued, bracingly. “Tell me about your assignment. Or, what you _can_ tell me, of course.” 

She smiled at his statement and settled back against the cushions, relaxing for what seemed to be the first time since she entered the apartment. Her movements brought her within easy reaching distance of his arm on the back of the couch, but he consciously kept it away from her. If he touched her...well, there’d be a strong possibility he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. 

“I don’t know much,” she admitted, taking another drink as she glanced at him. “And that’s not me being coy; they literally haven’t read me in yet. All I know is that I’m supposed to report to Arcturus tomorrow. I assume I’ll be briefed there.” 

He nodded. It made sense to bring her to Arcturus. It’s where she’d be given more training, something specific. She’d received generic training so far, he knew. Arcturus was where she’d settle into her career. 

“Arcturus is cool. I’ve been there a few times with Dad. It’s massive - much bigger than Jump Zero. Should definitely be a cool experience for you.” 

She visibly relaxed, her shoulders dropping as she settled in even further. This time, she leaned back enough to rest on his forearm. She didn’t move away though, so he didn’t dare to either. 

“That’s good. I gotta admit, I’m a little nervous,” she said, not meeting his eyes. “I’ve never been on an upper atmo shuttle before, let alone a FTL ship that’s gonna bring me to a space station. I just...I know they’re safe, I’ve read the specs and learned about how they work. But...it still makes me nervous, heading out to the vast vacuum of space with nothing but a few inches of titanium alloy protecting me from certain death.” 

“And space suits, and escape pods. There are a lot of different ways you can survive, even if - and that’s a big ‘if’ - something goes wrong. People travel by ship all the time. We have an entire fleet of them and this tech has been tested over and over again. You’ll be fine.” 

She let out a long, controlled breath. “Thanks, Kaidan. I mean it. I...I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. I can’t tell the guys at HQ, they’ll just make fun of me. And I don’t have any other friends - ” She cut herself off, quickly looking away from him as she grabbed her beer and took another drink. 

“Hey,” he lowered the arm that her back was resting against to wrap it around her shoulders. She curled into him and he stroked his thumb along her shoulder. His heart constricted at the knowledge that she didn’t have any friends because of _him_ , because of _his_ actions. If only he had been strong enough, tough enough to handle being around her when he was dealing with the fallout from Brain Camp and Shelby’s death. Then she would have at least had him, if not a whole circle of friends he could have introduced her to. She wouldn’t have needed to feel this isolated or alone…

He knew how that felt, and it _sucked_. 

“I’m sorry, Maddy,” he whispered into her hair. “I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to be there for you - ”

“Hey,” she pulled back from him and met his eyes. “Don’t you _dare_ ,” she said forcefully. Her passion took him by surprise. 

“What?” 

“Don’t you _dare_ put this on you. It’s _not_ your fault. _None_ of it’s been your fault, Kaidan. Not any of it. Not my life, not what happened at Brain Camp, not _any_ of it. I told you then and I’ll tell you now: you aren’t meant to save me, Kaidan. You _can’t_ save everyone. And trying to do that will kill you. You have to believe me. I in _no way_ blame you for how my life turned out.” 

“Tell that to Shelby,” he muttered. His eyes then widened as he realized what he’d just said out loud. 

“What?” she asked, sitting up a bit straighter. 

“Nevermind,” he said quickly, reaching for his beer. “Just, forget I said anything.” 

“Kaidan…” she said, and a look of warning flashed in her eyes. He knew what that meant. But god damn it, he didn’t want his past to derail tonight. It already did once before. 

“Madelyn,” he began, taking her hands in his. “The last time we talked about my past, we got caught up in that, and it led to us not speaking for four years. I don’t want that to happen again, I _can’t_ let that happen again. If it did…” he trailed off as emotion closed his throat. He couldn’t bear to get her back, just to have her be ripped away from him again. 

He wasn’t sure he’d survive it. 

She was smiling though.

“What?” he asked, brow furrowing in confusion. 

“That’s not how I remember it,” she said, a flirty tone entering her voice. He raised his eyebrow at her, so she continued. “I seem to remember you telling me about Brain Camp and getting sad, and then us kissing.” She giggled. 

He thought back to that afternoon, so many years ago. He hadn’t really let himself dwell on the details, not really. Not when it had led to her being gone from his life. But at her words, he went back over the events with a level of scrutiny he hadn’t been able to do before. And he found what she said to be true. 

He chuckled. “Well I’ll be damned,” he said. 

Madelyn just smiled at him. “So,” she said after a few moments. “Wanna tell me what you were gonna say?” 

“No,” he said, giving her a half-smile. “But I’m gonna do it anyway.” He sighed and she snuggled back into him. That move alone gave him the confidence to keep going. 

He paused, wondering where to begin. 

“Did you ever wonder why I was on the bridge that night?” he asked, softly. 

She shrugged, the movement making his own body move, as it was wrapped around hers.

“Not really? I mean, I thought about it that night. I remember thinking maybe it was your implant that drove you to…” she trailed off, but began again soon after. “I don’t think I ever really wanted to think about it. The important part was that you got down.” 

He nodded, and - even though she couldn’t see him - he knew she could feel the action, as his chin hit the top of her head. “Fair enough. And thank you again for that. I...well, looking back now, it seems stupid. But it wasn’t at the time.” He paused, and - just like four years ago - she gave him the space he needed to continue. It made his heart swell in appreciation. 

“I was driven to the bridge because my friend Shelby - you remember him? The one with the transmitter?” She nodded. “I had just gotten notice that he had killed himself. Taken his dad’s service weapon and just popped one off through the temple.” 

“Oh my god,” she breathed. 

“Yeah,” Kaidan said, swallowing away the sudden dryness in his throat. As if she knew he needed it, she snuggled in deeper to his side. His arm automatically tightened around her. 

“The worst part was, there wasn’t even a _reason_. There was a note, but no reason. Just two words. ‘I’m sorry.’ And I know what he was sorry for. For creating the transmitter. He thought he created the catalyst that led to the downfall of BAaT. And...while I can certainly see how he thought that, _I_ was the reason BAaT ended. Not him. Not the transmitter. Vyrnnus had it out for me ever since I opened my damn mouth that first day. One way or another he was gonna push me until he killed me or I snapped. The transmitter was just his excuse. And I just wish Shelby would have believed me when I told him that. Or when Rahna did. Or Zac. And I’m sure there were others who tried to convince him it wasn’t his fault. But no one could apparently.” 

He paused again, letting the pain wash over him and absorbing it. It was good for him to feel it every so often. 

“And I just... _then_ I snapped. I couldn’t handle any more killing, any more death. I had been the cause of so much destruction, ended so many lives...and so I just thought I should save the galaxy the trouble and go ahead and remove myself from it. No one’d miss me. No one’d care if I was gone. My parents would, but did they really want a broken biotic failure as a child? A _murderer_ as a child? I would do everybody a favor by just...going away. Shelby did it, why couldn’t I?” 

He stopped speaking again and realized Madelyn had gotten very still. So he plowed ahead, trying to keep her from dwelling on just how dark his thoughts had gotten. 

“I had nothing to live for. But then this precocious 15-year-old decided to show up on the bridge that night and talk to me, and I just...no longer wanted to die. I was still _so incredibly_ sad. But talking to you, realizing that there were others who had it worse off than I did, and who were _thriving_ …well, then I got mad. Shelby took the cowardly way out. And I couldn’t do that. I deserved to live. Because, in a way, living with the guilt of what I did is an even worse punishment. I don’t deserve to have peace. I don’t deserve to end it. I will live with what I did to Vyrnnus and Shelby for the rest of my life. But that’s okay, because it makes me a better person. I will live better because of the mistakes I made. I know that now. I just wish I could have gotten Shelby to understand that none of it was his fault.” 

“None of it was your fault, either,” Madelyn said quietly. 

“What?” It was his turn to pull away from her a bit. He was trying to look at her face, wondering what the hell she could mean by that. 

But she did him a favor and sat up straight, turning to face him. 

“ _Nothing_ that happened was your fault. Not BAaT shutting down, nor Vyrnnus’ death, nor Shelby killing himself. Shelby was the same age as you, with the same resources at his disposal. He could have gotten help. Hell, it seems like you guys tried to help him, and he just wouldn’t listen. You can’t help those who don’t want it. Take it from someone who knows. Unless someone is open to it, there’s nothing you can do to help them get better. As for BAaT shutting down, that wasn’t your decision. The Alliance didn’t _have_ to do that. They could have kicked out the turians, found a different way. But they knew the methods used up there weren’t right, were borderline torture. That ‘school’ _wasn’t right_ , Kaidan. And shutting it down was a _good_ thing. As for Vyrnnus…” 

She cupped his cheek, forcing him to look her in the eyes. “You said it yourself. It was a kill or be killed situation. And he was gunning for you. He wanted to take you down a notch, he wanted to show you that he was superior to you in every way. But he wasn’t. You protected your friend. I know she didn’t see it that way, but you _did_. And more than that, you protected all those other kids who couldn’t protect themselves because they had _died._ The program Vyrnnus oversaw had _killed_ them. Kaidan, you did the right thing. He would have killed you, or Rahna, or hell, even Shelby. You protected your squad. And you shouldn’t _ever_ apologize for it.” 

He sat there quietly as her words took root. He knew all of this, deep down. He had even allowed himself to think it once or twice, when he was feeling overly optimistic. But to hear it said aloud...to hear someone _else_ think that of him... 

“I…” 

_Love you_ , he wanted to say. So badly. But he knew that’d scare her off. She was probably nowhere _close_ to accepting someone saying that to her. And for good reason. She probably hadn’t even heard those words directed at her once her entire life. She had no family, no real friends who would have expressed such a sentiment. 

No, those words were quite important to her, he was certain. And just because he felt them, he knew better than to share them. There’d be time for that later, anyway. Eventually they’d get to a place where she’d be comfortable hearing them. It’d just take awhile. 

So instead, he went with a simple “Thank you.” 

“I mean it, Kaid,” she said. 

“I do, too,” he responded immediately. “No one’s ever said that to me before. And I...I needed to hear it more than I want to admit.” He took her face in his hands, stroking his thumbs over her perfect cheekbones as he stared into her perfect eyes. God, he was in trouble. 

“Thank you, Madelyn.” 

And to his utter surprise and delight, she kissed him. It wasn’t nearly as frantic as the kiss she gave him at Triumph, but there was still a passion and energy behind it that made his stomach clench and his heart rate speed up. The mere _presence_ of her overwhelmed him; he still couldn’t get used to her being back in his life. 

He slid his one hand from her cheek to the back of her head, twining his fingers in her loose curls, while the other he let roam free, trailing soft touches down her jawline, across the delicate curve of her neck, then ghosting over her shoulder and down her arm. He lightly passed his fingers over her hip and up her side, settling on her waist. 

She moaned as he brushed his thumb over her rib cage, missing the underside of her breast, but just barely. He wasn’t sure if he should take her reaction as positive or negative, so he refrained from doing it again. 

Her mouth opened and he took the invitation, sweeping his tongue in to meet hers, tangling them together as they found a rhythm. It was a teasing dance - every time he’d think he captured hers, she’d dart it out of the way, beckoning him deeper into her mouth. He didn’t mind. He loved the feeling of her lips, soft yet firm, just the right amount of tension between them. He could have spent all night kissing her and been satisfied.

But then she pulled herself up to a kneeling position, pressing him against the back of the couch and she hovered over him. She was still kissing him, but the new position was uncomfortable for his arms, so he dropped the one in her hair to her waist. She pressed herself fully into him, her breasts pushing against the top of his chest. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer, not wanting there to be an inch of space between them. 

She moved again, this time bringing herself into his lap. She straddled him, her thighs on either side of his and she kept kissing him. She ran her fingers through his hair, her nails lightly scratching his scalp and _oh God_ did that feel good. 

His pants were starting to get uncomfortable, so he shifted a bit to try and get in a better position and gasped as he felt the heat emanating from between her legs. He wished there weren’t layers of cloth between them, but reminded himself that they were going at her pace. Whatever she wanted, she got. 

She rocked against him and he couldn’t help but let out a low groan of his own. She broke off the kiss when he did so and pressed her forehead against his. Her breathing was shallow and quick, and he swore he could feel her heart beating rapidly. And he was certain he was in a very similar state. 

“Kaidan…” she began, sighing his name. 

“Madelyn?” he asked, leaning back slightly to meet her eyes. She kissed him again, quickly. 

“Kaidan, I want…” but she cut herself off, biting her lip and looking away from him. 

“Hey, Maddy, it’s up to you what we do. No pressure, okay? I’ll go as fast or as slow as you want.” 

She nodded, then closed her eyes. Her bottom lip was still between her teeth and he couldn’t stop looking at it. 

_“Pay attention, Kaidan. She’s trying to tell you something,”_ he admonished himself. 

“I…don’t laugh, okay?” she said, opening her eyes to look at him. 

“I promise,” he said, hoping his sincerity shone through his gaze. 

“I just...I’ve never _done_ _it_ before. Which, I know, isn’t really a big deal, but still. It’s not like I haven’t had the opportunity,” his hands tightened on her waist at that but he kept silent, “but no one ever felt _right_. And I know it’s dumb, I know it seems stupid, but I just...I feel like, I turned down all those other times because...because I was waiting for you. Somehow...I think somehow I knew you’d come back to me, and I was saving myself. For you.” 

Ho - ly _shit_. She was waiting...for _him_? She wanted _him_ to be her first? That was...that was almost too much to process. 

“And,” she said, rushing ahead when he didn’t say anything, “I’m tired of waiting. I know it’s not something to just get over, but...I don’t know. It just feels right. Doing it with you. And seeing as I’m going off-world...who knows what will happen. Carpe diem, right?” She smiled at him gently. 

She searched his eyes. “Say something, please.” 

He swallowed away the sudden lump of emotion that had formed in his throat and willed the tears of happiness that had gathered in his eyes to go away. This was not the time for that emotion - not yet. 

He ran his nails up and down the length of her back and she shuddered under him. She wanted him. _All_ of him. He didn’t deserve this, not at all, but how could he turn her down? She was everything to him and he knew - at that moment - that he’d never refuse her. He couldn’t.

“It would be my honor,” he said, guiding her face down for another kiss. 

* * *

_It would be my honor_. She never thought she’d hear those words when it came to her and sex. Sex where she was from hardly ever involved emotions, unless those emotions were anger or hatred. Hate fucking? That was definitely a thing. But this? This tenderness, this - dare she say _loving_ \- aspect of sex? That wasn’t something she was used to at all. 

And yet, nothing had ever felt so right. 

She let him kiss her for a few moments, soft, sweet, gentle kisses that conveyed more than words ever could between them at the moment. But soon she wanted more, she _needed_ more from him. She ground herself down on his erection that she knew was trapped in his pants and elicited the most gorgeous sound from him. 

She broke off their kiss and leaned forward over him, her shoulder-length curls falling into her face. She brushed them over her shoulder as she kissed his jawline up to his temple, before running her tongue over the shell of his ear. She tugged on the lobe with her teeth, causing him to shift under her. 

“I want you, Kaidan,” she whispered. 

He kissed down her neck, sucking a bit on her pulse point and dragging his teeth along her collarbone. He whispered back. 

“Then take me.” 

_Oh my God._ She leaned back, grinding her hips down into his lap a bit and was rewarded by another shift of his seat. He was running his nails up and down the length of her sides and it was driving her crazy, but she was determined to do this right. 

And that meant no destroying of clothes. 

Trying not to be distracted by his movements, she pulled his shirt out from underneath the waistband of his pants and began unbuttoning it. Her deft fingers made quick work of the fastenings, and even she was impressed by how steady her hands were, given how utterly full of butterflies her insides were. She felt like she was buzzing with excitement. 

Which she might actually have been. She unbuttoned his last closing and looked at her hands. They almost seemed to have a...blue corona around them? That didn’t seem right. 

She paused her movements, which must have gotten Kaidan’s attention. He looked at where her gaze was directed and took her hands in his. 

“Your biotics,” he murmured. “Don’t be afraid of them. It’s perfectly normal.” He kissed her fingertips. 

“Do _you_ glow blue?” she asked. 

He hesitated before answering, but only for a moment. “I have been known to, yes. But I...I keep very strong control of my biotics because - ”

She kissed him, cutting him off. “You don’t need to tell me. I think I understand. It’s just...I’ve been with guys before. But I’ve never... _glowed_.” 

Kaidan smirked. “That just means you weren’t as turned on by them.” 

Her eyes widened in surprise and a flush crept up her neck. Kaidan laughed. 

“I’m so sorry, I couldn’t help it.” She pulled her right hand out of his grip to lightly smack him on his chest. “In all seriousness, have you been with another biotic before?” he asked. 

She thought about it for a moment, then shook her head. “Not that I know of, no.” 

“Trust me, you’d know,” he murmured, a faraway look entering his eyes. A twinge of jealousy surged in her, surprising her. She knew he’d been with Rahna; he told her that. But still, the thought of him thinking of the other girl while she was _right in front of him_ kinda made her jealous. 

“So what’s so special about being with a biotic?” she asked, trying to draw his attention back to her. 

He laced his fingers through hers and the corona grew a bit bigger. 

“Biotics respond to other biotics. Something, something, eezo reaction, something,” he said, chuckling to himself. “Maybe the asari know, but as far as I’m aware, we’re not quite sure why biotics play off one another. But when two people are...close, their powers begin to meld together. Sorry to say, but you’re glowing blue because I’m, well...aroused by you. So even though I’ve got them dampened, the energy is still there, and it’s causing yours to react. You should probably learn how to dampen yourself. I hope they’ve gotten you a decent biotics teacher on Arcturus.” 

“Supposedly one of the best,” she said, shrugging. She didn’t want to think about that now. Then a terrible joke struck her and she snickered. “Gives a whole nother meaning to ‘turning you on’ doesn’t it?” She bit her lip to keep from grinning stupidly. 

But he laughed - truly laughed - at her joke. “That it does. Speaking of,” he kissed her quickly. “Where were we?” 

He leaned forward, a silent invitation for her to help him remove his dress shirt completely. She tossed it on the floor behind her and took a moment to appreciate the muscle definition that she could already tell he had, even from under his t-shirt. 

She whistled softly. 

“Geez, Kaidan, do you work out?” she quirked her eyebrow and tried to hide her smile. 

“I’ve been known to hit the gym every now and then. Nothing too rigorous, though,” he said, popping out his pecs so they jumped under her gaze. 

Holy shit. 

She reached for the hem of his undershirt and tugged it up over his head. He helpfully raised his arms for her and she tossed the piece in the same direction she threw his dress shirt. 

“God, you’re hot,” she said, before she could stop herself. She could tell he was trying to hide it, but he preened a little at her words. 

But she didn’t say anything that wasn’t the truth. His muscle definition was _incredible_. He gave even the active-duty Marines she’d seen around the gym a run for their money. And he wasn’t active duty. Well-developed shoulders gave way to bulging pecs that led to cut abs and the sexiest v across his hip bones that she’d ever seen. 

But it wasn’t overbearing - the look suited him. It was odd to say, but he was proportional. And definitely seemed to have filled out in those four years since she last saw him. 

“Hey, my eyes are up here,” he said softly. She licked her lips and let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding as she met his beautiful amber-colored eyes. Though they had seemed to darken with desire as she looked at him. She knew another part of his anatomy certainly appreciated her scrutiny. 

“Sorry,” she said, blushing a little. “You’re just...gorgeous.” She reached out but let her hand hover over his sculpted chest. “May I?” she asked, breathlessly. She hated how she sounded, but she knew there was nothing she could do about it, either. 

“Of course,” he said, smiling gently at her. He seemed to stop breathing as she rested her palms against his pectorals, feeling the muscles twitch underneath her hands as she did so. His skin was burning hot. 

_“Biotic,”_ she reminded herself. But even though it burned, it wasn’t _painful_. It was rather invigorating. 

She gently ran her fingers over his collarbone and down the center of his chest, tracing the contours of his abs as she lowered her hands ever closer to his waistband. She lightly ran her fingertips over his hips and up his sides, feeling his muscles contract as she did so, finally coming to rest on his chest once more. 

“Amazing,” she murmured, running her thumbs gently over his nipples. His sharp intake of breath told her that he was sensitive there, and she was glad to find out that bit of information. It made her feel like she knew him better. 

“You’re beautiful, Kaidan,” she said, meeting his eyes again. There was such a look of blazing intensity in them that she almost physically reacted to seeing his gaze. But underneath the cloud of desire, she could see adoration and tenderness. 

“Takes one to know one,” he murmured back, a half-smile forming on his lips. 

“Ha ha,” she said, rolling her eyes. He reached up and caught her chin with his hand. 

“I’m serious,” he said, eyes boring into hers. “You’re fucking _gorgeous_ , Madelyn.” 

“I’m anything but,” she said, turning away from him and averting her gaze.

“Hey,” he said, so gently that she looked at him again. She didn’t _want_ to disappoint him, but she also had no illusions about her appearance. She was nothing to write home about. 

“Yeah?” she asked, when it seemed like he was waiting for her to say something before he would speak himself. 

“Let me be the judge of that, yeah?” He chuckled softly. “I know what it’s like to be too hard on yourself. And it seems to me, in this instance, you’re the one who needs to come to terms with the fact that people can and will find you beautiful. I know I do.” 

“You haven’t even seen me,” she muttered. 

“I don’t need to see you naked to know you’re beautiful,” he stated, immediately and emphatically. “Though it probably wouldn’t hurt.” He grinned. 

She bit her lip, still somewhat unsure, but sighed. This was Kaidan. She trusted him more than anyone else in the world. She knew he wouldn’t bullshit her. And hey, maybe for some odd reason he _did_ think she was beautiful. She nodded, and he leaned forward, wrapping his arms around her back to kiss her. 

Like the last kiss they shared, there seemed to be something _more_ he was trying to say with his actions, but she didn’t let herself dwell on it. There was a half-naked, sexy-as-fuck man under her, and she wasn’t going to let this opportunity go to waste. 

He kept kissing her, running his hands around her back and down her sides, eventually settling on her waist. She rocked against him as his touches sent bolts of desire straight to her core. 

His fingertips grazed down her thighs and played at the edge of her dress. He slipped his fingers underneath the material and heat bloomed across her bare skin where he touched. He pushed his hands up higher, skimming along the outside of her legs and bringing her dress’s skirt up with them. 

“May I?” he asked against her lips. 

“Yes,” she breathed. 

He tugged up her skirt so it bunched around her hips, exposing her legs to him. He still kissed her as she rose up on her knees so he could push the garment up even farther, gathering it around her waist. They broke away from each other for a moment as he reached her chest and she had to lift her arms to get it over her head. He tossed the piece in the general direction she had thrown his shirts and then ran his hands lightly over her back, one finger tracing her spine and the other hand settling around her waist. 

After a few more moments of kissing, he drew back from her, raking his eyes over her body, from her thick, muscular thighs and up her flat, toned stomach, to her breasts. His eyes lingered on her chest for a moment or two, before continuing their progression, finally resting on her face. 

He smiled. “Like I thought,” he said, kissing her gently. “Beautiful.” 

“I - ” she began, but he cut her off with another kiss. 

“Beautiful,” he told her again. 

He ran his hands over her body, starting at her shoulders and working his way down. He avoided her breasts for the moment, grazing his fingers over the sides of her chest before running them over her stomach. He hummed in appreciation at her abs, tracing the contours of her stomach like she did his. He then ran his hands over her thighs, rubbing lightly down to her knees and then pushing a bit more intensely on the way up. He kept to the outside of her legs and settled his hands on her ass, squeezing lightly. 

“I take it back,” he said, kissing her jawbone and down the column of her throat. She tilted her head to give him better access, not quite processing his words. “You’re not beautiful,” he said. She paused slightly, registering _those_ and wondering what he was playing at. 

“You’re perfection,” he told her. 

Her heart swelled even as her face burned in embarrassment. 

“You’re just saying that,” she murmured as he continued kissing across her collarbone and up the opposite side of her throat. When he reached her ear he spoke again. 

“I’d never lie to you, Madelyn,” he whispered. 

She knew that to be true, and yet…

He sucked on the sensitive spot behind her ear and all thoughts vanished from her mind, replaced by nothing but a longing for him to be with her, fully. 

“I know, Kaidan,” she said. He hummed his acknowledgement, but didn’t stop. 

He kept kissing her, but never in the same place twice. It was as if he was measuring her proportions with his mouth. On her shoulders, across her chest, over the entirety of her face. It felt like he was everywhere at once. 

And yet he wasn’t where she needed him to be. 

She grabbed his hands that still remained steadfastly on her waist and guided them to her upper back, leading him to her bra strap. 

At that point, he _did_ stop kissing her. He lifted his head and met her gaze. 

“Are you sure?” he asked. 

“Kaidan,” she said, suppressing a sigh of annoyance. “I said I want you. _All_ of you.” 

“I know,” he said, a serious look now entering his eyes. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not still going to check in with you along the way. You’re allowed to change your mind, you know. And if at any point it gets to be too much, just tell me, and we’ll stop, okay?” 

_“Who the fuck is this man?”_ she thought, a warm feeling spreading from her heart all the way to her fingers and toes as his thoughtfulness took hold in her. He was so kind, so calm, and considerate. She didn’t know how she ended up having a man like this in her life, but she wasn’t about to question it now. 

She nodded. “Thank you,” she said on an exhale. “But for now,” she arched her chest so her bra-clad breasts lined up with his mouth. “More please.” 

A wicked gleam entered his eyes as he deftly undid the clasps. “With pleasure.” 

He pulled away the garment in one quick motion, tossing it over her shoulder. She leaned in to kiss him, but his hands had moved back to her waist and he held her in place, pushing her back slightly so she was fully exposed to him. 

She had the feeling she should be embarrassed, but she wasn’t, not when there was such a look of adoration and admiration on his face. 

He stared at her chest for a few moments, as if he was trying to memorize them. Which - she realized with a start - he probably was. So she sat quietly and let him take in his fill. Eventually though, she squirmed in his lap, reminding him that she was waiting for him to continue. 

He cleared his throat and licked his lips before bringing his stare up to meet her own. 

“Fucking perfect,” he said, shaking his head as if in disbelief. 

He ran his hands up from her waist and settled on her ribs, his thumbs brushing the underside of her breasts. She moaned in appreciation, but was still so unsatisfied. 

“Kaidan…” she whined slightly. 

He smirked, cupping her mounds in his hands, as if moulding himself to her. Again, she got the distinct impression that he was committing all this to memory, so she tried to be patient. Her nipples puckered as he ran his thumbs over them, and her core tightened with need. 

He pinched them both between his thumbs and forefingers, twirling them and pulling them taut. She arched her back, pressing herself more into his touch. 

“You like that?” he asked. 

She only hummed in appreciation. He kept palming her right breast as he leaned forward to take her left nipple in his mouth. He sucked on it gently, running his teeth over the peak before calming it with his tongue. 

She squirmed again and when he removed his head from her chest she simply said, “More please.” 

He brought his mouth to hers then, a bit more heatedly this time, as he grasped her breasts again, squeezing them with slightly more aggression. He pulled and flicked her nipples as he massaged her chest. The sensations were getting to be overwhelming and yet not enough. She wanted him to be everywhere, to touch her wherever he could. But most importantly, she didn’t want him to stop. 

“That feels amazing, Kaidan. Please don’t stop,” she said. 

She wrapped her arms around his neck as she pressed herself more fully into him. She ran her nails against the nape of his neck and he gasped, jerking upwards into her. She pulled away quickly, breaking their kiss. 

“I’m so sorry,” she said, dropping her hands by her side. “Did I hurt you?” 

But he only chuckled, a darker sound that she hadn’t really heard from him before. “There are a few other benefits to being with a biotic,” he said. “And that’s one of them.” 

She tilted her head in confusion. She wasn’t quite understanding what he was getting at. 

An intense look of desire overcame his features. His hands had been continually gently massaging her breasts, but at her confusion he lowered them. He skimmed one down her ribs and settled it at the small of her back, while the other snaked up her spine until his fingers settled along the nape of her neck. 

He kissed her passionately, albeit quickly, then pulled away, his eyes flaring with emotion. 

“You ready?” he murmured. 

She had no idea what she was agreeing to, but - again - she trusted him, so she nodded. 

At first nothing happened, but then - 

What. The. _Fuck_. A wholly different sensation than anything she’d felt before flowed throughout her body. It was equal parts burning and tingling, but at the edge of it was a rampant feeling of... _pleasure_ , more than she’d ever experienced before in her life. It was as if she was riding the highest wave, but she could never reach the top. She just kept climbing, higher and higher, with no indication that the end was near. 

She heard herself whimper. 

“Want me to finish it for you?” he whispered. Her eyes had closed at some point without her realizing. She opened them and saw Kaidan staring at her, bottom lip between his teeth as he seemingly concentrated. 

“Please,” she begged. 

“It will require me to touch you...here,” he said, a knuckle skimming between her legs but over her underwear. When had he removed his hand from her back? 

“Do it,” she whimpered. 

A wicked smile appeared on his face as he slipped his fingers underneath her panties. She held her breath, unsure of what would happen. 

He simultaneously ran a finger over her clit as he pressed down on her amp - and her world exploded. 

She came to, leaning against Kaidan’s shoulder, his hands running gentle strokes against her back. 

As she gained control of her body again, she threw her arms around his neck and pressed her face against it, nuzzling him. 

“Welcome back,” he said, kissing her on the top of her head. 

“That was…” she said, trying to put into words what just happened. “Is it wrong to say mind-blowingly good? I...I’ve never felt _anything_ like that before.” 

He chuckled as he kissed her head again. “Yeah that sounds about right,” he said, still rubbing her back. “Discovering _that_ side-effect of the amp was one of the better things to come out of Brain Camp, I’d say.” 

That ugly feeling of jealousy reared its head again, but she clamped down on it. She knew she had no reason to be jealous of Rahna. It had happened a _long_ time ago, and he clearly wasn’t still in love with her. She was just a part of his past, like any other friend he had. 

_“A friend he had fucking amazing orgasms with,”_ she thought. 

Just as her mind was concentrating on the _wrong_ thing for the evening, his cock jumped, hitting her between her legs. She was still sensitive, so she shuddered slightly. 

“Sorry,” he said against her shoulder. “But I can’t really help it. I have a gorgeous, almost-naked woman in my lap. There are gonna be consequences.” 

And suddenly, nothing mattered anymore. Not Rahna, not Brain Camp, not their histories...nothing except him and her. Here. Now. They were finally together, and that’s what was most important. 

“Then fuck me, Kaidan,” she said simply. 

His hands stilled on her back. “What?” 

She raised her head to meet his eyes, which were glazed over with desire. 

“You heard me,” she said. 

“Here? _Now_?”

She pulled herself closer to his chest and kissed him, hard, her tongue dancing with his as she tried to make her feelings known. She never was very good with words. 

After a few moments she broke away from him, pressing her forehead to his as she said, slightly breathless, “Are you going to make me ask twice?” 

“Fuck no,” he said, wrapping his arms around her and bringing her down for another searing kiss. 

She dropped her hands to his waistband and began undoing his belt buckle. He groaned into her mouth as it seemed he felt her intentions. That he didn’t stop her encouraged her to move just that much faster. 

She succeeded in opening the buckle and wasted no time in unfastening the button and pulling down the zipper. He sighed in relief as some of the pressure appeared to be released around his cock. She ran her hand over his briefs, palming him. Her stomach flipped as she felt its size. 

_“Guess his muscles aren’t the only thing that cause his clothes to bulge,”_ she thought, smirking to herself. She was quickly brought out of her thoughts, however, as it jumped under her ministrations and he nipped her bottom lip. 

“Tease,” he said against her lips. 

“Takes one to know one,” she echoed. 

“Touché,” he murmured, pulling back slightly to look at her. The intense look in his eyes drove her need even further - she couldn’t wait anymore. 

She ran her hands along his sides and across the small of his back, his skin searing under her touch. She dipped her fingers underneath his waistband, trying to pull them down. 

“Impatient, are we?” he asked, a small smirk on his face. 

“Very,” she said. She couldn’t take it anymore. She _needed_ him. Now. 

To her surprise, he raised his hips a few inches off the couch, lifting both their bodies as he did so and reminding her once again of just how strong he was. She was still impressed he had kept up with his training. Maybe she should ask him to spar one day. 

Her thoughts were interrupted as she felt her ass cheeks being squeezed. Unbeknownst to her, Kaidan had snuck his hands underneath the back of her underwear, and now he was grasping her tightly. 

The action caused her to jump but also sent a rush of desire through her. She eagerly pushed his pants and boxer briefs down his thighs as far as they could go, until they got caught by her own legs. 

She murmured her appreciation to him for his assistance as she leaned back, taking him in. 

And there he was, presented right in front of her. All of him. He was just as stunning as she thought he’d be. A gorgeous reddish-purple color with a thick vein running along the side of it, ending where his head began, already shining with precum. 

She licked her lips as she reached one finger towards him. He settled back against the couch and just stared at her. 

“May I?” she asked again. 

He swallowed noticeably before responding. “Yeah.” 

Now it was his turn to sound breathless and that made her more proud than she wanted to admit. 

She dragged one finger along the vein on the side, tracing it along his length. She then ran her nails underneath his cock, fascinated as she watched it pop and bob in front of her. 

Beautiful. 

She grasped it at the base, measuring its girth, then began sliding her hand up his shaft. She heard Kaidan take a deep, shuddering breath, so she flicked her eyes to him. 

“This okay?” she asked. 

“More than okay,” he said, surging forward in her hand as she tightened her grip slightly. He squeezed her ass again as she did so. 

“Fuck,” she breathed as longing took hold in her. 

“Yeah,” Kaidan answered, staring at her hand on him. 

His cocked throbbed again and she started moving her hand quicker. This was something she had done before, something she was used to. _This_ she could do. 

He shifted in her hand again and let out a low grunt. 

“Madelyn…” he groaned. His breathing was quickening and she could feel the blood pumping through him. He caressed the bottom of her ass before hooking his thumbs into the waistband of her panties. 

“Yes,” she said, before he could even ask. 

Faster than she thought possible, he removed her hand from his cock and stood her up, pushing down her underwear to her knees as he rose to step out of his pants. Madelyn did the same and kicked the pile of clothes over in the direction of where the other pieces went. 

He sat back down and beckoned her to him. “C’mere,” he said huskily, reaching out a hand for her. God, was everything about this man sexy? 

She took his hand and climbed back into his lap, straddling his legs, which he had spread a bit to presumably get into a better position. He immediately began kissing her as he placed the hand he was holding on the couch behind him. He wrapped his arms around her back, pulling her toward him until she was as close to him as possible. 

He broke off the kiss and pressed his forehead to hers. He opened his eyes and she was again taken by how beautiful they looked, even when they were blown out with his want for her. 

“You ready for this?” he asked. 

“Yes,” she said, kissing him again. 

He moved one of his hands from her back to touch her between her legs. “Fuck, Maddy,” he murmured. “You’re more than ready, but it still might hurt.” He met her eyes again. 

“I’ll be fine.” 

He nodded. “It’s not gonna be the hottest thing, but I’m gonna talk you through it, okay? That way it’ll hopefully still be good for you, even if it does hurt.” 

She smirked and leaned in to whisper in his ear. “I think you underestimate how sexy your voice is.” 

She felt him twitch at that and she kissed him to drive her point home. 

“Whatever you say, Maddy,” he said, a twinkle of mischievousness now mixing with the desire in his gaze. 

He kissed her again, a passionate one that left her breathless. Before she knew it, he had taken her hand and wrapped it around the base of his cock, helping her guide him to her entrance. His head tapped into her and she stiffened with fear. It wasn’t like she was afraid of _him_ , she was just afraid of sex in general. She didn’t know why, and she shouldn’t be, but her body seemed to be telling her otherwise. 

“Hey,” he said, placing kisses along her jaw before planting a soft one on the corner of her mouth. “Relax. Like I said, you’re more than ready. The more you relax, the less painful it’ll be.” 

She nodded, swallowing away her fear as she took a deep breath. He started rubbing soothing circles on her lower back, which calmed her more than she thought possible. He placed a light kiss on her temple before whispering in her ear. 

“Fuck me, Madelyn.” 

His words sent a shudder through her and she sensed herself open up to him. She felt him slide in part way and then his hands on her hips, holding her in place.

“This is the point of no return,” he murmured. “Once you slide down a bit further, you should feel a slight pinch, but then it’ll be over.” He nuzzled her neck. 

She took a deep breath as she considered his words. But she knew what she wanted - knew that she wanted _him_ , that there was nothing more right for her in the whole damn universe. 

She and Kaidan belonged together. And she wanted to know him completely. She just hoped he felt the same way. 

She reached down to where he held her and interlaced her fingers with his, so they both held her hips. She bit her lip and nodded, willing herself to relax as she let herself sink a little further. 

His hands gripped her a bit tighter. “Here we go,” he murmured. 

She leaned forward and kissed him, applying pressure on his hands to let him know it was okay, to keep going. He helped guide her down, pushing with a bit of force. She felt the pain, like an elastic had broken around her wrist. It was a quick, sharp hurt, but then he slid all the way in and she didn’t even remember the feeling anymore.

She was flush with his thighs now. Breaking off the kiss, she looked to where they were joined and saw that he was fully inside her. She clenched her inner muscles as a spasm of pleasure rushed through her. 

Kaidan kissed her neck, her cheek, then her mouth. “How’re you feeling?” 

She took a deep breath, taking stock of how she was doing. She shifted a little, trying to get comfortable with the idea more than anything else. 

“Not too bad, honestly,” she murmured, nuzzling his cheek with her own. “Thank you.” 

He chuckled. “Don’t thank me yet, we’re far from done.” Her stomach flipped at the words and a shudder ran through her. He removed his right hand from her grip and began running it the length of her back, but kept his left firmly entwined with hers on her waist. 

“Remember,” he said, kissing her again. “Whatever you want to do, okay?” 

She nodded and she felt herself clench around him again. The intrusion felt...weird, but not terrible. She rose on her knees a bit, testing out the feeling of him moving inside her. As she slid back down, Kaidan’s mouth covered her left nipple and began suckling it, sending a tendril of pleasure straight to her core. _Oh_. 

She began to move a bit faster, lifting herself up and then allowing gravity to pull her back down onto him. He still caressed her back and held her hand as she moved and he spent a significant amount of time on her left breast before switching his attention to her right. It felt _amazing_ and spurred her to move even faster. 

“That’s it, baby,” he murmured against her skin. He started moving with her, just slightly though. As she lifted up, he pushed himself into the couch, and then he lifted his hips to meet her downward motion. “That okay?” he asked. 

She couldn’t really think, could barely process his words as the sensation of pure bliss overtook her. All she could do was moan and nod slightly. That elicited a soft laugh from him. 

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’" 

In response, she cupped his cheek with her right hand, bringing her mouth to his in a searing kiss. Her tongue danced with his in a motion that almost mimicked their thrusting. As her movements sped up, so did their kissing, getting increasingly frenzied as the time went on. 

She heard a low humming noise and tried to place where it was coming from, only to realize with a start that it was coming from _her_. She was consistently moaning into his mouth as the pleasure started building from deep within her. Kaidan’s hand slipped from her back to grasp her hip again, helping guide her movements as she became more erratic in her motion. She appreciated the assistance as she threw her head back and groaned deeply. 

“God, Maddy, you’re so fucking gorgeous,” he said, as their thrusting smoothed out again with his support. 

“Oh, god,” she whimpered as he shifted the angle of her hips slightly and hit a new spot within her. 

“That good?” he asked. 

“Fucking amazing,” she replied, gripping his wrists to try and hold on. 

“You can let go, baby,” he said softly. She looked to him at that and noticed he had directed his gaze to where she was holding on to him. Her blue corona had started throbbing in time to her heartbeat. And the beat of his pushing inside her. 

“I thought...I thought I shouldn’t,” she managed to get out. 

“I wanna feel you,” he said quietly. And she watched with surprise as he began to glow himself, a small shimmer hovering just barely over his skin. The energy surged into her from everywhere they were touching - her thighs, her hips, her center…

“ _Fuck_ ,” she moaned as a wave of bliss washed over her. She clenched down on him hard and he slowed down his movements, allowing her to get her bearings. She felt his energy pulse through her, pushing into her crevices and cracks, seeking out her own biotics. She relaxed her hold on her own power and felt him shudder beneath her as their energy intertwined with each other. It was a dance all to their own, an ebb and flow of power that surged through her, ratcheting up her pleasure and causing her to throw her head back as a feeling of ecstasy overtook her. 

She felt him everywhere, his power caressing her skin like a gentle touch that was imbued with a satisfying electrical charge. But it was concentrated mainly where they were connected, a cluster of power just waiting to explode. 

“Kaidan,” she breathed. 

But he didn’t say anything, just kept guiding her movements, hitting her in that right place over and over again. She kept tightening more and more - she was so taut she had no idea how she wasn’t going to just snap in two. 

And all of a sudden, she was overcome with the desire to just... _move_. Leaning forward to place her hands on his shoulders, she started pumping her thighs in time with his own thrusts, eliciting from him the most primal growl she ever heard. 

“Fuck, Madelyn, you feel... _fuck_ , so goddamn amazing,” he managed, his words coming out between pants. He had been staring at where his cock was disappearing between her legs, but he looked up at her as he spoke, his forehead slightly glistening with sweat and in his eyes...he seemed enraptured by her. 

His expression spurred her to move even faster, chasing that high that had been taken to the next level as their combined energies swirled around them, cascading over their bodies in wave after wave of euphoria. 

He grunted his satisfaction at her new speed, keeping pace with her now frenetic motion. He captured her lips again, assaulting her mouth with a passionate embrace that left her positively breathless. 

She broke away and tapped her forehead against his, her eyes locked with his own as her body wound tighter and tighter. 

“Kaidan,” she whimpered. “I can’t...I’m gonna - ” she cut herself off with a groan as a renewed wave of biotic energy crested over her. 

“Come for me, Madelyn,” he whispered, gaze boring into hers. 

And she saw a flash of blue as she finally reached the top, teetering on the edge. She dug her blunt nails into his hard shoulders, and he mimicked her action, grasping her hips with such intensity she belatedly wondered if she’d have bruises there. 

A surge of pleasure burst through her, radiating from her center and extending all the way through her limbs. She cried out, tossing her head back and screwing her eyes shut as their power kept her from falling, holding her suspended in an aura of release as she felt the waves pass over her again and again. 

He kept pumping into her, pushing in at a breakneck speed that would have most likely sent her from his lap, if he wasn’t holding on to her so tightly. 

“Look at me, Madelyn,” he demanded. The force of his words was unlike anything she’d ever heard from him, and it was enough to snap her out of her ecstasy-induced stupor, at least long enough to do what he asked. 

She met his gaze, and his own softened a bit from it’s intensity as she did so. His pace faltered, just a bit, before he squeezed her and buried himself deeply inside her, shoving his hips off the couch. 

He cried out himself as she saw a blue tinge color the whites of his eyes, before all thoughts were driven from her mind. With the new color came a fresh wave of energy that triggered another, more intense spasm of pleasure throughout her whole being and she felt herself finally, _finally_ fall over the edge, into a place of pure bliss.   
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut Part 2. Enjoy ;)

“Holy fuck,” she murmured against his neck, having collapsed against his chest as her orgasm overtook her. His hands caressed her thighs but he otherwise sat still as the aftershocks hit her. 

“You okay?” he asked, placing a kiss on her temple. 

It took her more effort than she wanted to admit, but she was able to lift her head and meet his lips for a soft kiss of her own. 

“More than okay,” she murmured, before dropping her head on his shoulder again.

His hands continued caressing her as she came down from her high and her body tingled with a whole _different_ feeling, this one caused by an emotion that she didn’t quite have the words to express. 

_“Stop that,”_ she thought. _“It’s too soon, too much. It’s just a response to what we did.”_ But part of her knew it was more than that. She firmly tamped down those ideas, however, not willing to ruin their perfect moment with _feelings_. 

“Now comes the not-so-fun part of cleanup,” Kaidan murmured against her hair. He kissed her on the top of the head. “Shower’s yours if you want it.” 

Gingerly she lifted herself up off him, settling down on the couch. Immediately, she missed his presence from inside her. She felt like everything in the world made sense when they were together like that, and the minute she removed herself, she felt lost. Thankfully, his arm wrapped around her shoulders as she made herself comfortable on the cushions and she instinctively snuggled into him. 

“How’re you feeling?” he asked. 

“I’m doing okay. Stings a little, but I think that’s to be expected.” 

“I have ibuprofen if you need it?” 

_“God_ damn _, how can this man be so considerate?”_ she thought, shaking her head subtly at his attentiveness. 

“I think I’ll be okay. Thanks though.” They sat in silence for a bit, his thumb casually rubbing along her upper arm. She absorbed his energy, letting the events of the past few hours settle within her. The whole thing went so fast it almost made her head spin. But underneath it all, she couldn’t shake the idea that this was just _right_. That everything both she and Kaidan had gone through had been leading to this moment, that they both needed to experience their own shit before they would be in a good enough place to come together. It sucked, but it was what it was, and she honestly wasn’t complaining. 

Too bad she was leaving tomorrow. 

That meant she had to make the most out of tonight. She just hoped Kaidan was up for it. 

“Shower, did you say?” she asked, lifting her head off his chest. 

“Yeah. Through - ” he cut himself off, and she looked at him. His face had tinged a bit red and she wondered what could be so embarrassing after they had slept together. 

“Well,” he began again, rubbing his free arm behind his neck. “I don’t wanna presume, but…” he paused and she met his eyes, willing him to just _say it_. He seemed to get the hint. “Did you want to stay the night?” 

The words came out in a rush, as if he said them all on his exhale. 

She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. “I thought you’d never ask.” 

He smiled himself, and it seemed like genuine relief flooded his features. It took her aback how he could still be so unsure of them, even after all that had just happened. Especially since their falling out had been _his_ doing, so their coming back together was essentially his choice. She had always made her feelings about the situation known. 

But maybe he thought she still held a grudge against him. Time to shake him of _that_ notion. 

“Shower?” she prompted again, raising an eyebrow at his forgetfulness and trying not to laugh. 

“Oh yeah,” he said, getting flushed again. “It’s through my bedroom.” 

“Ah,” she said, an idea taking hold in her. She loved how he was embarrassed by _that_ , but was perfectly fine sitting in front of her naked. 

She stood up, stretching out the stiffness that had entered her muscles at staying in the same position for quite awhile. She began to head down the hall in the direction she could only presume was his bedroom, considering it was the only part of the apartment she couldn’t see, swaying her hips a bit as she did so. 

“You coming?” she asked, glancing over her shoulder to give him a coy smile. 

He blinked for a moment, then stood up faster than she’d ever seen him move. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing his chest to her back and nuzzling her neck. She tilted her head to give him better access, leaning into him as she did so. 

“You want me to join you in the shower?” he murmured against her skin. 

“If you want,” she said, but she barely got the words out before he stepped back from her and grabbed her hand, pulling her down the hall. She allowed herself to laugh at his eagerness. “Did I say something?” 

He looked back at her, smirking but also devouring her with his eyes. 

“Maybe,” he hedged. 

She stuck her tongue out at him. “Well, I mean, if you don’t want to…” 

He tugged on her hand so she was pulled into him and he snaked his arm around her back, pressing her to him as he captured her mouth in a searing kiss. She also felt his cock twitch against her abdomen. Guess he _did_ want to. 

“That answer your question?” he asked against her lips. 

She giggled. “I think so.” 

He bit his lip as he stepped back from her, his eyes roving over her from head to foot. He took a small step toward her, but she placed her hand on his chest. 

“Shower?” 

“Right,” he said, letting out a rush of air. 

He took her hand again and led her into his bedroom. 

Like the rest of his apartment, the bedroom was neat but still had that lived-in feel, not like those stuffy places where everything was labeled and had to be put away properly. It felt like he cared enough to keep it in order, but not too much that it didn’t have any personality. 

“Just through here,” he said, after giving her a moment to look around. 

He led her into his bathroom, which wasn’t too small. It had its functional parts, but also room for a cabinet to hold the essentials and a large vanity that would be ripe for sitting on…

She felt herself flush at that, unsure if Kaidan would be willing to do that. She had no indication that he wouldn’t, but still, it was presumptive of her to think he would without asking. 

Kaidan must have noticed her going red, so he pulled her close, hugging her to him. “Whatcha thinking about?” 

She shook her head, for some reason not wanting him to know she’d be having _those_ thoughts. She didn’t know why, but it still felt just a bit too personal. So she went for deflection, as she was known to do. 

“Just thinking about how many guys I’ll have the opportunity to shower with once I get my assignment.” She smirked up at him. 

To her surprise - though she really shouldn’t have been, knowing him - he didn’t take the bait. 

“Guess I’ll just have to make our experience memorable enough that none of those other ones will compare,” he spoke quietly in her ear. 

Her stomach clenched at his words as her core pulsed with need. God, she literally _just_ had this man, and she wanted more? Part of her was surprised at her body’s reaction, but another part of her knew, deep down, that she’d never get enough of him, and so she had to take her fill before the night was up. 

Silently, he turned on the water and, after testing it, stepped into the stall. He beckoned for her to join him. And giggling, she did so. 

“Somehow I think this might be a bit different than what’ll happen on Arcturus,” she said, gazing at the water trickling down Kaidan’s body, running in rivulets over his defined muscles. 

“Oh?” he asked, making space for her to get under the spray. 

“Yeah,” she said, reveling in the feeling of the hot water pounding her muscles. “Somehow I don’t think I’m gonna wanna fuck any of those guys.” 

“You never know,” Kaidan said, eyes glued to her body as she lifted her arms to wet her hair. He seemed to catch himself and met her eyes again. “There could be some sexy-ass marine there who will sweep you off your feet.” 

“A sexy-ass marine already _has_ swept me off my feet,” she said quietly. She watched the emotions pass over his face - confusion, anger, surprise, trepidation. 

“I’m not a marine,” he said, but there wasn’t any passion behind it. In fact, his words were almost too dispassionate for her to believe he didn’t care. 

She stepped toward him and he seemed to open for her touch, but she reached behind him to grab the soap. She rubbed some on her hands to lather them, then began washing his body. She started at his shoulders, then worked down each arm, massaging his biceps and strong forearms. She then ran her hands through his, giving them a nice rub down, thankful for how gently they held her as they came together for the first time. 

She worked her way around to his back, marveling at his strong muscles, digging her thumbs into his tense upper back and eliciting a groan of appreciation from him. She ran her hands down his flanks, then kneaded along his spinal cord. Moving to his front, she spent more time than was probably necessary on his abs, appreciating his fine form. She hovered over his hip bones, but didn’t reach too far down. She wasn’t ready to go there just yet. 

“You could have fooled me,” she murmured, ghosting her sudsy fingers over his pecs and barely grazing his nipples. “You sure keep up your body like one.” 

She heard him swallow audibly. His fingers twitched, like he wanted to reach out and touch her, but he remained still, letting her do with him as she pleased. 

“Have you even thought about it?” she asked, bending down to wash his feet and legs. She paid special attention to his insoles, massaging them until she felt the tension go out of them. Then she kneaded his calves with her knuckles, ensuring he was as relaxed as possible.

When she focused on his thighs, she made sure to stay far away from his cock, though she did run her hands in the creases at his hips. She was still kneeling on the shower floor, and so was eye level with his thick appendage. She smirked a little when it bobbed in front of her and she licked her lips, wondering what he’d taste like. 

“Not once?” she asked, placing a chaste kiss on his cockhead. A visible shiver went through him as she did so. 

“I - ” he began, before faltering. He cleared his throat and tried again. She looked at him up through her lashes and saw his eyes were hooded and dark with desire. 

“I can’t admit I haven’t thought about it,” he said softly. 

She went to take him in her mouth when he stopped her with a hand in her hair.

“We should clean it first,” he said. “It probably won’t taste so good the way it is now.” He gave her a half smile, as if trying to keep present and in control of himself. And the situation. 

“That’s fair,” she said, standing back up and moving behind him. “But let me concentrate on this luscious ass first.” She grabbed his butt cheeks then, digging her fingers into the tight muscles. 

He let out a groan as she did so. She spread his cheeks and dipped her soaped-up fingers between them. Somehow, that action seemed even more intimate than the sex they’d had. Something about touching his most sensitive parts…

She toyed with playing with his backdoor, wondering if that was something he’d be interested in, but decided against it. They’d already explored a lot of each other tonight; she wanted to leave herself something to be surprised with when she came back. 

She stepped around to his front again and fondled his balls under the auspices of cleaning them. She loved how they felt in her hand and spent more time than was necessary making sure they were clean. She also enjoyed watching him harden even further as she did so. 

“Enjoying the show?” he asked her huskily. 

“Very much,” she said. She lathered her hands up again before kneeling down in front of him once more. She made quick work of washing his cock, careful not to grasp it too hard, as she wanted to have something for her to play with in a minute. That didn’t stop him from trying to thrust into her hands, nor letting his pleasure be known at her touch. 

“Patience, Kaidan,” she admonished him playfully. He just grunted. 

“It’s a little hard to do so when I have a beautiful woman worshipping my cock.” 

Madelyn raised an eyebrow as she met his gaze. “This is far from worshipping.” She guided him under the stream of water to rinse off, noting the slightly tinged red water that ran from his cock - evidence of what she had allowed him to do - and quickly rubbed him down, anxious to get the soap off him so she could get him in her mouth. 

As soon as she was sure he was soap-free, she took him in her mouth, suckling on his head and running her tongue over the ridge on its underside. 

“Fuck, Maddy,” Kaidan groaned, shifting forward. She took that as a sign of encouragement and increased the pressure she was exerting, hollowing out her cheeks to create the right kind of environment for him. That elicited a hiss of pleasure and she had to keep from grinning at her success. 

“Maddy,” he said again, twining his fingers through her hair. She looked up and met his eyes, realizing that he was staring at her taking him that way. “Fuck, that feels - ” he cut himself off with a gutteral sound as she took him down her throat. “Oh god,” he moaned, his hips beginning to move. 

She reached up and grasped his ass, urging him forward and keeping him within her. She removed herself from him just long enough to tell him she was okay with him fucking her mouth, which he did with great enthusiasm, as soon as he got her permission. 

It was exhilarating, feeling him take her like that. She loved sucking off guys - it gave her a position of power that she relished. Her actions led to his pleasure or his dissatisfaction, depending on whether or not she felt like her partner deserved to come. It both thrilled her and turned her on and she was happy that Kaidan seemed receptive to her actions. 

“Fuck,” he managed, speeding up as she exerted some more pressure on his head before sucking him back down completely. “You keep this up, I’m not gonna last long,” he warned. 

She let him go from her mouth with a satisfying pop, grabbing his shaft with her hand to pump him and keep him on the edge as she talked. 

“I’m okay with you coming in my mouth,” she said, biting her lip but meeting his gaze. She felt his cock spasm in her hand as she said that and he let out a low moan that had her own clit pulse with pleasure. 

“Where did you come from, you perfect creature?” he asked. 

Madelyn just shrugged and smirked at him as she sucked on him with increased enthusiasm. With the renewed pressure, it wasn’t long before he was warning her again. She let him do what he wanted at that point, using his hand on the back of her head to direct her movements. It wasn’t a privilege she afforded many guys, but for Kaidan...she trusted him to not take advantage. 

After a few more minutes she felt the telltale swelling of his shaft and she was treated to the most exquisite tasting come she ever had - salty and musky and just... _Kaidan_. It was hard to describe, but there was no mistaking that she was tasting _him_. 

He stilled in her mouth and, before she even had a chance to fully wipe her face clean, he pulled out and grabbed her, crushing her against him and kissing her with a level of ferocity she hadn’t felt from him before. 

They were both panting when they finally broke apart. He continued kissing along her face and neck, sucking on her skin gently as she tried to catch her breath. 

“I take it that wasn’t too terrible?” she asked, as he nipped at her pulse point. 

He let out a huff of breath that could have been construed as a laugh. “‘Not too terrible’? That was fucking fantastic, Madelyn. I don’t think...not that I’ve had _tons_ of experience mind you, but…” he cut himself off, face reddening in what could only be described as embarrassment. 

“Fuck, Maddy, you’re really good at that.” 

“Thanks,” she said, pulling him in for another kiss. HIs hands weren’t on her though as they continued to make out, and soon she found out why. He had taken the soap himself and lathered up his hands to begin washing her. Somewhat reluctantly it seemed, he broke off their embrace. 

“Sorry,” he said, grimacing slightly. “But I wanna see you.” 

She nodded, somehow even more turned on by the thought of his caring and gentle hands exploring the most intimate parts of her. 

He paid her body just as much attention as she gave his, massaging her shoulders, arms, and hands. She couldn’t help but groan when he spent some extra attention on her neck muscles, working out the tension she seemed to perpetually hold there. 

He skipped her breasts at first, choosing instead to focus on her stomach and then her feet and legs. He got perilously close to her center before he moved on to her ass, spending just as much time on those globes as he did on her shoulders, kneading them and getting them to relax in a way that she hadn’t really felt before. 

“What?” she asked, not really able to form much more of a coherent thought as he loosened muscles she didn’t even realize needed loosening. 

“Women tend to hold more tension in their glutes. I don’t know why, it’s just something I’ve noticed.” 

“What?” she said again, more out of confusion than euphoria this time. She tried to concentrate on his words as he dipped his fingers between her cheeks, causing her to shudder as he gently played with her hole there. 

Kaidan just shrugged though, as if it wasn’t weird that he knew that fact about the female body. 

“I thought you graduated with a computer engineering degree? Why would you know something like that?” she asked. 

Kaidan shrugged again, moving around to her front and running his hands up her stomach, tracing the lines of her abs before circling her breasts. 

“I’ve always been interested in having the capacity to heal. I don’t think I’d want to be a doctor - though I’ve considered medical school,” he said as he began thoroughly washing her chest, “but the biology part never _really_ interested me. I was more fascinated with the tech that allows healing to happen. Like medi-gel or implants or stuff. I love seeing how we can integrate tech into the human body to help make us more competitive in the galaxy. Hence the comp-e degree, though I did take my fair share of human anatomy/gen bio classes. And I’m first-aid certified.” 

“What does that have to do with - ”

“Nothing,” he said, as he ran his soapy fingers over her nipples. “But ever since BAaT, I wanted to know how to take care of my friends, should they ever get hurt. I learned a little at BAaT - you know basic first aid is part of any Alliance training - but I wanted to know as much as I could, be prepared as much as I could. Just...just in case.” 

She nodded, the pleasure he was stirring in her making it hard to concentrate and form coherent sentences. But she knew what he was saying made sense.

“I get it,” she said, placing a soft kiss on his lips. She swore she saw a bit of tension release from his shoulders. He kissed her back, then tapped his forehead to hers. 

“Thank you for being so understanding about all this,” he murmured. 

“Of course,” she said, immediately. 

He smiled before kissing her again. He dipped his still-soapy hands between her legs, cleaning her there. 

“Damn, Maddy, are you - ” 

Now it was her turn to cut him off. “Aroused by a hot-as-fuck man washing me? You bet your ass I am.” She turned his face to hers, giving him a not-so-chaste kiss.

He pressed her back a few steps, until she hit the shower wall, kissing her passionately as he did so. His fingers dipped through her folds again and he let out a soft groan. 

“Fuck, how - ” 

But she cut him off again, this time with a kiss. “I like you, Kaidan. And - spoiler alert - I happen to find you attractive.” She shrugged, trying to come off as nonchalant, but knew it was a futile effort, considering her body’s response to his fingers. 

“I…” he began, but trailed off, instead choosing to kiss her down her jaw and neck, nuzzling her where it met her shoulder. He sucked on that spot as he inserted a finger into her center. She let out a quiet whimper. 

“I want more of you,” she explained, when Kaidan lifted his head to look at her. 

A wicked gleam entered his eye as he suddenly knelt down in front of her. 

“Wait, what - ” she began, but was cut off by him lifting her right leg to prop her foot on his shoulder, spreading her for him. 

“Kaidan,” she tried to protest, but he just shushed her as he cupped water in his hand and rinsed her folds clean of any soap. 

“I wanna return the favor,” he said by way of explanation. 

“You don’t have to,” she stated, somewhat emphatically. 

He quirked his brow at her. “I know I don’t _have_ to. I want to. Unless you don’t want me to,” he said, leaning back slightly to look her fully in the face. 

She smiled, her heart warming at his consideration. “By all means, have at it.” 

With a grin that nearly split his face, he dove into her center, licking and sucking on her with a level of energy she didn’t think possible, given what they had already done that evening. 

“ _Fuck_ , Kaidan,” she breathed, already tightening. She just felt him suck on her with renewed vigor at her words. She might have been good at sucking cock, but Kaidan was just as good at this - maybe even better than her. Her thoughts tripped on the idea of _how_ he learned to be so good, but soon his ministrations overtook her senses, and she couldn’t think much more than _“yes, more please, right there.”_ It was wonderful. 

Sooner than she would have thought possible, considering she had just had two mind-blowing orgasms less than 20 minutes ago, he had her falling over the edge again, calling his name and pulling him toward her as tightly as possible. She nearly collapsed and would have - if it weren’t for Kaidan propping her up against the wall. 

When he finally released her, presumably after figuring she was settled down enough to stand on her own, she bent down and kissed him thoroughly. She could taste herself on him just slightly. The water from the shower had already rinsed most of it away. 

“Thank you,” she murmured against his lips. 

“My pleasure,” he answered. “Literally,” he winked and flicked his gaze to his cock, which had rehardened. 

It was Madelyn’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “Already?” 

“What can I say?” he asked, a shit-eating grin on his face. “I have a hot-as-fuck naked woman in front of me.” 

She snorted at the reusing of her words but wasn’t too mad about it. After all - the evidence was right in front of her face. He must actually find _some_ part of her attractive. The first time could potentially just be attributed to horniness. Twice, maybe. But for a third time? She considered that he may actually think she’s beautiful. Regardless of her own opinion of herself. 

“Should we take care of that?” she asked, smirking herself. 

“If you’re willing, I’d not be opposed,” he said. She went to move toward him, but he put a hand on her hip, stalling her movements. “But, not here.” 

He flushed a bit. Even in the warmth of the shower, she could see the red tinges of his cheeks. “If…” he faltered and took a deep breath before starting again. “I’d really like to have you in my bed. If that’s okay with you.” 

Madelyn gave him what she knew was a knowing smile, but agreed to the request. “It did look comfy,” she said. 

Kaidan stood up and grasped her face with both of his hands, bringing his mouth to hers for a soft kiss. “You really know how to treat a guy,” he said. 

“I try,” she winked. 

He rolled his eyes playfully. “You all good?” he asked, gesturing to her body. 

“Uh, one sec,” she told him, turning her body around under the spray to make sure all the soap had been removed. She ran the water through her hair once more, then nodded to show she was done. 

“Perfect.” Kaidan mimicked her movements under the water, then shut it off. He reached out beyond the stall door and grabbed a towel, handing it to her. He stepped out himself, giving her space to dry off unencumbered, for which she was grateful. 

When she was done, she peaked out of the crack in the stall door to find the bathroom unoccupied. She stepped out, squeezing her hair to get rid of any excess moisture. The curls would need to be reset, but that didn’t really matter. She wore it back when on duty anyway, so she wouldn’t have to worry about doing that until she touched down on Arcturus. 

“Kaidan?” she called, peering into his bedroom. 

“Here,” he answered, appearing in the doorway. “Sorry, just getting some water. Figured you’d need some too.” He handed her a glass. 

“Thanks,” she smiled. He was always so thoughtful. 

She followed him back into his bedroom, wrapping her towel around herself because suddenly she didn’t feel comfortable walking around his apartment completely nude - even if they had plans to get naked again soon. Turns out he must have felt the same, as he had secured his own towel around his hips. It was sitting dangerously low, however, and she had to tear her gaze away from his hip bones. 

She was glad she did though. When she looked around the room, she found that he had turned down the bedding and lit a few candles. 

“You finished that much earlier than me?” she asked, taking in the room. 

“Is it too much?” he asked, biting his lip.

“Not at all!” Madelyn rushed to assure him. “I’m just surprised you had time to do this.” 

He laughed. “It’s nothing. Folding down the sheets and lighting a few candles? Like, 2 minutes, tops.” 

She tilted her head, acquiescing to his statement. “I like the candles. They smell nice.” 

“Thanks,” he said, smiling genuinely. “It’s not aromatherapy per se, but the scents help me with my migraines. Sometimes they’re the only thing that works.” He shrugged. 

“I’m sorry you have to deal with those,” she said quietly. 

“I’ve learned to live with them. And as I’ve spent more time with them, I’ve learned how to manage them, not have them manage me. If that makes sense.” 

He moved to sit down on the bed, and she joined him, nodding her understanding. 

“It’s part of why I’m so interested in health tech,” he continued. “I wanna prevent whatever happened to me from happening to others. I also wanna study biotics more, figure out how to keep so many from dying in utero. I also wanna try to help the other L2s. I know there were a bunch that washed out of the Alliance cause they couldn’t handle the pressure. And ones that were displaced when BAaT got shut down…” 

She put her arm around his shoulders, drawing him to her. “It’s not your fault, Kaidan,” she said softly. 

He met her gaze. “I know,” he said, matching her volume. “I just...I wish I could do more.” 

“You’re doing enough. But if you wanted to do more, you could always put that big brain to work for the Alliance. They could use someone like you, Kaidan. And then we’d have a better chance of being together. Hell, we might even be able to serve together one day, though I doubt they’d let two biotics serve in the same unit…” 

She knew she was rambling. But there was a nagging feeling in the back of her head that the Alliance was where he belonged. 

For his part, Kaidan just smiled at her. “Like I told you, I haven’t completely ruled it out. There’s something to be said for the structure and opportunities the Alliance gives. I just...there’s so much _wrong_ there, too, you know? So much politics goes into play, and then I question my own morality when I consider that I’m part of the problem. I may end up working with them as a civilian contractor, but I’m not sure I could ever give my life to them fully. I hope you understand.” He clasped her hand that was settled on his shoulder. 

“I do,” she said, smiling in hopes that he believed her. “I just hope _you_ understand that the Alliance is my life, at least for the next decade or so. And I hope that’s okay with you, that I’ll be closely tied to them.” 

“I like the structure,” she continued, nodding her head to acknowledge their shared preference, “and I honestly think I can do some good from the inside. Your story’s touched me, Kaidan. It opened my eyes to some things the Alliance has done that I honestly don’t approve of. But biotics need advocates from within just as much as they need advocates from without. And I hope to be one of those advocates. To stand up for the mistreatment of biotics when I see it, and to show - through my successes - that biotics _can_ be trusted with important missions and should be treated as integral members of any unit, not ostracized. It’s not nearly as bad as BAaT anymore, but it’s also far from perfect. There’s still a bit of distrust between us, and so I’m hoping to change that, by being the best damn soldier I can be.” 

Kaidan was quiet for a long while, so long that she worried she’d said something wrong. But then he turned toward her and cupped the back of her head, bringing her in for a slow, sensual kiss that took her breath away more than any of the passionate ones they’d shared previously. 

There was so much emotion in that kiss, she wasn’t sure where to begin. 

“I know I called you perfect before,” he said between kisses, “but you might have thought I was referring only to your body. But, I’m not,” he said, pressing forward to lay her down on the bed, still kissing her as she moved. “I’m referring to _you_ , Madelyn.” He pulled away from her just long enough to open the towel around her body, exposing her naked body to him once more. He kissed her again.

“Me?” she asked, somewhat breathlessly. 

“Yes, you,” he said, removing the towel from around his own waist. He kept kissing her as he spread her legs open and tilted her hips to give him a better angle. 

“Everything about you is perfect, Madelyn,” he continued, as he ran his length through her folds, causing her to shiver with anticipation. He lined himself up with her entrance and punctuated each of his next words with a kiss. “Your mind,” he kissed her forehead, “your body,” he kissed her jaw, “and your soul.” He captured her mouth with his as he pushed into her. She was so wet that he sheathed himself in one smooth move. 

“Fuck,” she whispered, her body tingling with a mixture of feelings that were way too complicated for her to try to figure out at the moment. 

“You okay?” Kaidan asked, searching her eyes as he brushed her damp locks away from her forehead. 

“Yeah,” she breathed. “It feels...well, _different_ , but not in a bad way at all. It feels…” she trailed off, unsure of how to put into words what she was experiencing. 

“Perfect?” Kaidan supplied, a small smile on his lips. 

Her eyes snapped to his again and she considered what that word meant and what she was feeling. And, honestly, there really wasn’t a better way to describe the moment. 

“Yeah,” she said again. “That seems to sum it up quite nicely.” 

He let out a soft chuckle as he went to kiss her again, softly and slowly. He began to move within her at the same leisurely pace, seemingly content to take his time. One hand stroked her forehead and hair the entire time and when it got to be too much to maintain contact with their mouths, he leaned back and kept his eyes glued to hers as his movements gradually sped up. But he still kept caressing her, still kept a gentle touch, even as he began to stutter in his movements. Even if his hips faltered, his touch never did. He was always there, a steady presence for her. 

And when they finally fell over the edge together, Madelyn had the fleeting thought that she finally understood what the phrase “making love” actually meant.


	8. Chapter 8

Madelyn awoke the next morning sore in places she didn’t think would be possible, but in a pleasant way. While it was slightly painful, she remembered all that came as a result of that pain, and felt content. She was satisfied in a way she’d never been before and it was honestly invigorating. 

She turned over to see if Kaidan was awake yet, only to find the other side of the bed empty. She checked the time on her omni-tool. 0830. She slept in longer than she usually did, but she felt she deserved to rest for a bit longer than normal. Her transport wasn’t scheduled to depart until 1230, so she had time.

Still, she should probably figure out where Kaidan went. 

She got up and discovered her nakedness, realizing with a start that her clothes were still in the living room where they’d tossed them in their passion last night. However, to her immense surprise, she found her bra, panties, and dress folded neatly on Kaidan’s desk chair. He must have brought them in when he woke up. 

She shook her head, a bemused smile spreading over her features at his thoughtfulness. His consideration really baffled her sometimes. 

She got dressed and raked her fingers through her hair, detangling some of the curls. She glanced in the mirror and saw them sticking up in every direction, which, to be fair, was to be expected, given that she got her hair wet and then Kaidan proceeded to run his fingers through it multiple times. She flushed as she remembered that last time in the bed, her stomach fluttering with anticipation as the memories came back to her. 

Biting her lip, she considered her options for dealing with her untamed tresses. Ultimately she decided to secure them in a french braid. Her curls were thick enough that they honestly could hold the style without a band to secure the end, which made it ideal for her. 

Once she deemed herself to be presentable, she headed out of Kaidan’s bedroom. When the door slid open, she was hit with the most wonderful scent of bacon, which wafted down the hall. 

_“Guess I know where Kaidan is,”_ she thought, chuckling. _“God damn, this man makes breakfast, too? Did I hit the jackpot or something?”_

Shaking her head, she made her way down the hall and into the kitchen. 

“Good morning!” he called as she headed into the living room/kitchen. 

“That smells wonderful,” she said, taking a seat on one of the barstools at the island. 

“Thanks,” he said, returning to the frying bacon on the stove. “I know you have to keep your calories up, so I figured I’d go ahead and make breakfast. Is that okay?” He looked at her over his shoulder, his brow furrowed in what could only be construed as concern. 

“Of course it’s okay,” Madelyn reassured him. “I’m starving.” 

Kaidan chuckled. “I figured. I took the liberty of frying up some bacon and I was gonna whip up an omelette, but didn’t wanna start until you were here, cause I don’t know what you like.” 

“Kaidan, it’s wonderful. I’m sure I’d love anything you’d make.” 

He truly laughed at that. “Fair. I guess I forgot who I was talking to.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she teased. “You calling me fat?” 

He checked on the food for a moment before heading over to where she was sitting and wrapping one arm around her waist. He kissed her, a gentle, probing kiss that made that tingling feeling burst to life again in her stomach. He rubbed his thumb over her bottom lip when he pulled away. 

“Yes, Madelyn, I’m calling you fat.” He gave her a quick peck as her face slackened at his teasing demeanor. She had honestly not seen him this carefree in...well, ever. Even as she kept track of him all through college, he never really seemed to be this...relaxed. 

“That’s what sex does to you, huh? Makes you sassy?” she teased. 

He looked at her over his shoulder again as he grabbed the eggs from the fridge. “That’s what sex with _you_ does,” he responded. At her stunned silence, he shrugged. “What can I say, it feels like some weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know it’s weird,” he said, ducking his head back into the fridge so he didn’t look at her anymore. 

“It’s not weird,” she told him quietly. Now it was his turn to seem surprised. “I kinda feel the same way.” 

A large grin spread over his face, but he didn’t pursue the subject. “So how do you like your omelettes? I got cheddar, feta, goat cheese, mushrooms, onions, green peppers, spinach, I can crumble some of the bacon into the eggs...I can even do tomatoes if that’s something you’d be interested in.” 

“Whatever you want,” she answered with a shrug. “I don’t wanna put you out.” 

Kaidan considered her for a moment, tilting his head as he did so. “Okay,” he said, grabbing some ingredients. “L’omelette du chef, coming right up.” 

She smiled at his perfect accent then settled in to watch him cook. He was a master in the kitchen, much better than she’d ever be. His knife work was exquisite and he made quick work of chopping the ingredients. 

“Guess you learned a thing or two from your mom, huh?” Madelyn asked as she watched him work. 

“Heh, you could say that. It was part of my coping mechanism after...well, everything. I needed a project and Mom and Dad always seemed to find cooking relaxing, so we kinda made it a family affair. I know, it’s lame,” he said, flushing. 

“It’s wonderful,” she said earnestly. And the smile that he gave her was enough to fill that gaping hole that had existed in her heart ever since she realized she’d never have parents of her own to care for her. 

He ended up making them a spinach, feta, and tomato omelette with some italian seasoning and a side of bacon. It was delicious and she had to force herself to slow down and not inhale the food in order to savor it. Guess she was more hungry than she thought. 

“God, Kaidan, that was delicious,” she said once she had finished eating and stopped herself from licking the plate clean. 

“Yeah?” he asked, that expression of hesitation back on his face. 

“Yes,” she stated directly, sliding off her stool to stand in front of him. She took his face between her hands and planted a deliberate kiss on his lips. She started off with a close-lipped embrace, but soon her emotions took over and she wrapped her arms around his neck, allowing herself to open up to him, letting their tongues entwine and dance with each other. He hugged her to him as their kiss continued and she was filled with such joy she felt like she could honestly float. 

After what was simultaneously a long time - but also way too short - she pulled away, checking her ‘tool for the time. She sighed and pressed her forehead against his. 

“I should go,” she said, somewhat reluctantly. 

He nodded and stood up, kissing her quickly. “Yeah. Don’t want you missing that transport. Hackett’d have my head, even if I _am_ a civvie.” He chuckled. 

“His reputation precedes him, I see,” she said, giggling softly herself. 

“Let’s just say my dad knows Hackett from his own Alliance days. Now that he’s got a rear admiral position? I’m sure he’s…” Kaidan cut himself off, as if considering his next words carefully, “even more pleasant than he was as a commander.” 

Madelyn laughed at that, a full-bellied sound that made her feel elated. “That’s probably the understatement of the century.” 

Kaidan smiled, then leaned down to kiss her again. It was one of those slow, sensual ones, and it made her lean into him unconsciously, not wanting to go. 

He touched his forehead to hers again and ran his hands up and down her arms. 

“Be careful,” he murmured. 

“Always,” she said, smiling reassuringly. She kissed him again. “Thank you.” 

“For what?” he asked, raising an eyebrow in a show of confusion.

“For everything. For giving me another chance.” He opened his mouth to say something, but she placed her finger on his lips, silencing him. “For being the sweetest and most caring guy a girl could ever want for her first time. And for making my last night on Earth truly unforgettable.” 

For the first time in her life, it seemed Madelyn found the right words. They were honestly perfect, and nothing else she could say would be able to top it. So she just smiled and kissed him once more. 

“Goodbye, Kaidan.” 

“Goodbye, Madelyn.” He kissed her forehead. “Let me know when you get there?” 

“Sure thing,” she replied. 

He smiled. “See you soon.” 

She nodded and gave him a wink, before turning and walking out his apartment door. 

* * *

“I love you.” Kaidan muttered the words as the door closed behind her. He knew it to be true - the events of last night all but confirmed his feelings for her. And he knew she felt the same way; she had to. What they did wasn’t sex, it was love-making and that meant each party had to feel the same way about each other.

But he also maintained what he concluded last night - that Maddy would be very much unprepared to hear those words at the moment. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair of him to say them when she was about to head off-world. Honestly, if he said them, it’d almost be like him asking her to stay. Which he very much didn’t want to do. 

It was her dream to go off-world, to serve in the Alliance, and he wasn’t going to do anything to get in the way of that. Besides, what she said about the Alliance wasn’t _totally_ wrong. There was something to be said about her idea of trying to advocate from within. 

He smiled. If there was anybody who’d be able to help biotics who were serving, it’d be Maddy. She had a fierceness and a stubbornness that honestly awed him. After all, he wouldn’t have gotten down off that bridge for just anybody. 

But for Maddy, for Maddy he would do anything. Even support her career in the Alliance. One that he didn’t necessarily agree with, but he’d do whatever he could to make sure she was as successful as possible. 

In fact, he made a vow then and there, as he cleaned up their breakfast, that he’d do whatever it took to make sure she had what she needed to succeed. She’d gone on too long on her own, with no real support. That changed, now. 

Satisfied with his newfound determination, he headed to his bedroom to tidy the room from last night’s escapades. 

He shook his head as he let out a soft huff of amusement. A virgin. He would have never guessed in a million years that Maddy was a virgin. It made him swell with pride that he was her choice. He truly felt lucky that she was willing to share such a special moment with him. And then let him do it again. 

That last time though...his stomach clenched as he looked at the mussed sheets and flashed back to the previous night. That was honestly the best sex he’d ever had. He couldn’t wait to do it again. He hoped Madelyn’s assignment wasn’t too intense and that she’d be able to get a break sooner rather than later. 

Or - if she couldn’t take the time to come to Earth, he could meet her at Arcturus. He wasn’t sure how he felt about going to the station again as a civilian, not sure if it would feel weird or bring up painful memories, but if it meant he’d be able to see her...it’d be worth it. 

Satisfied with his plan and contingency plan - Kaidan always had a backup - he headed to the shower to begin his day, smirking as he realized that he’d essentially slept with Maddy in every part of his apartment. 

It was enough to keep him occupied until he could see her again. 

Or so he hoped. 

**************************************************

It was 1530. Madelyn should have landed on Arcturus 30 minutes ago and Kaidan still hadn’t heard from her. He was trying to not worry about it, because he was sure she had meetings and debriefings to attend to. Hell, maybe she was even getting her assignment right off the bat. Not to mention she had to get settled in with housing. But still...sending him a quick message wouldn’t take _that_ long. 

Was it so hard to send a simple, “Hey I’m here, talk to you when I get settled?” It would have taken her all of 30 seconds, tops. 

He sighed, running his hand through his hair. 

_“Fucking hell, Kaidan. She’s been off-world all of three hours and you’re already freaking out? How will you go weeks without hearing from her when she has to go into a communications blackout? Get it together, man,”_ he admonished himself. 

He shook his head, wondering why he was so antsy. He figured that maybe it was because it was so new to him and he didn’t feel like he’d gotten to spend enough time with her. Maybe that was why he was missing her more than he should. 

But god _damn_ if he wasn’t missing her. 

He needed to distract himself, to keep his mind off the fact that he hadn’t heard from her yet. He knew she’d contact him as soon as she was able. He just had to be patient. 

Which he could do. He took a deep breath to calm his racing thoughts and decided to hit the gym to pass the time and get out some of his excess energy. 

**************************************************

He successfully distracted himself with his workout session and then dinner with his parents afterward, but soon he was keenly aware of how much time had passed. And he still hadn’t heard from her. 

He was spending time after dinner with his parents, chatting and watching tv in the living room, but his mind wasn’t there. He kept checking his omni-tool and then wondering what had happened. Arcturus was on UTC + 0 time - all Alliance ships and installations were - so he knew it was the middle of the night for her, but...that just made him even more worried. There’s no reason she couldn’t tell him she was safe before she went to sleep. It didn’t make any sense. 

“Kaidan?” his mom asked. He was broken out of his thoughts and saw both his parents looking at him. His mom had a worried crease between her brows and his dad was gazing at him with an intense stare. 

That could only mean that they had been trying to get his attention for a while before he finally heard them. 

“Yeah?” he asked, trying to force a smile. 

“What’s wrong?” his mom asked, immediately. 

“Nothing - ”

“Kaidan,” his mom interrupted him. He stared at his parents, meeting both their gazes individually. He knew it was stupid, knew he’d come off as sounding crazy, but…

But his dad still had Alliance connections. He could at least let Kaidan know if her transport arrived safely. That’s all he really needed to hear. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to sleep that night. 

Plus, he’d been trying to be more open with his parents. He knew they tried their hardest and only wanted him to be happy. It wasn’t their fault he was so messed up in the head. And he really was making an effort to include them more in his thoughts, so they could help him if he needed it. 

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “It’s just...it’s not a big thing, yet - ” 

_“Liar,”_ a voice in his head spoke. 

“ - so that’s why I didn’t want to tell you. But I wasn’t with friends last night.” He paused to take a breath and saw his parents exchange a slightly worried look. He sighed, knowing that they wouldn’t react poorly to what he had to say, but it still felt so... _private_ , so new. He didn’t want anyone intruding on what he and Maddy had just yet. 

But his parents had to know if they were going to help him. And he definitely needed their help. 

“Like I said, don’t make a big thing out of it, please,” he implored. He paused until he saw his parents nod slightly. That made him feel better, if only a bit. “I was with Madelyn Shepard last night.” 

For their part, his parents kept their surprise to their expressions. His mom raised her eyebrows and his dad tilted his head in confusion, but other than that, they remained silent, letting him speak. 

Sometimes he was really grateful for them. 

“Yeah, I know, it’s weird. But she was at graduation. I didn’t even know if it was her when I first saw her, but I had a feeling...so I messaged her. And it turns out it was. She wanted to say goodbye but didn’t know if I’d want to see her after...after the way we left things.” 

His dad just nodded but his mom picked up on what he hadn’t really said yet. She always could cut to the core of the problem. 

“Goodbye? Was she going somewhere?” 

Kaidan smiled despite himself. “Yeah. She finally got an assignment off-world. Arcturus,” he explained. 

“That’s wonderful,” his mom said. 

“What’s her unit?” his dad asked. 

“Dunno,” Kaidan replied. “She hadn’t gotten her assignment yet. But, that’s not the issue. The problem is, before she left today, she said she’d let me know when she arrived safely. But I haven’t heard from her yet. I know the procedures for arriving on station could keep her busy but…” He trailed off, then met his dad’s eyes. “Her transport left at 1230. And - ”

Before he could even ask, or explain himself further, his dad got up off the couch and headed out the door of the living room.

Kaidan just stayed seated, unsure what his dad was doing. 

“You coming?” he asked Kaidan, poking his head back through the doorway. 

“To?” 

“My office. I’ll check on the flight path of her transport, make sure it docked safely.” 

Kaidan raised his eyebrows, shocked at the fact that he didn’t even have to ask his dad for help before he offered. 

But he wasn’t about to turn him down, either. He stood up quickly and joined his dad at the door. 

“Be right back, hon,” Kaidan’s dad told his mom.

She just waved them away. “Take your time, I’m not going anywhere.” 

Kaidan followed his dad down the hall to the kitchen and then turned left down a secondary hallway that led to his dad’s office. It was sort of separated from the rest of the house because it had an extra level of security to it. Though his dad retired from the Alliance before Kaidan was even born, he still worked with them as a contractor and still had clearance. 

Apparently, his dad was important, so he had to have access to his work files even from home, which meant Alliance-level security for the office. That also meant his dad could only access those files from one port. 

“Thanks for doing this, Dad,” Kaidan said as they stepped over the threshold into the office.

“Of course, Kaidan. Looking up a flight path isn’t too difficult. It won’t take long. As soon as I log in, of course.” 

Nodding his understanding, Kaidan took a seat in one of the chairs in front of his dad’s desk and his father walked around to the other side, sitting down in his own chair to be in the proper position for the biometric scanners. 

A retina and palm scanner were both installed as a redundancy, which Kaidan honestly thought was overkill, but what did he know? He didn’t do threat analysis. 

After a few moments, his dad logged on and proceeded to pull up the flight information. 

“You said she was leaving at 1230 from Vancouver?” his father asked. 

“Yeah,” Kaidan replied. “I’m fairly certain it was from Vancouver station. She didn’t mention anything about traveling in low atmo when we talked about her trip.” 

His dad seemed to want to say something, but then opted not to, and for that, Kaidan was grateful. He was okay sharing the fact that he had spent time with Maddy last night, but he didn’t want the full extent of their relationship known. Not yet, anyway. 

“Ah, here it is,” his dad said, a small smile on his face. He typed something in the keyboard, presumably pulling up the flight plan. 

Kaidan watched as his dad’s smile faded slowly, replaced by a concerned furrow of his brow. 

“Dad?” he asked. But his father didn’t respond. “Dad, what is it?” 

“Standby,” his dad said. He pulled up his ‘tool and initiated what seemed to be a call. “Hey,” he said to the person on the other end of the line. “It’s me. Yeah, I got a favor to ask.” He paused. “Yeah, I’ll get on that when I’m done with this. I’m looking up the status of a specific Kodiak. Yeah I got it pulled up on my end, but...that can’t be right. I’m looking for one that left Vancouver base at 2030 UTC heading to Arcturus. Yeah. Mhm. That’s what I’m seeing on my end. I’m hoping I can get a confirmation. Yeah. I’ll wait.” 

His dad fell silent as his colleague was presumably verifying whatever information his dad had found. Kaidan had a sinking feeling in his stomach. He had no idea why, but he just had this nagging feeling that something was _wrong_. It had been with him all day - well, ever since Madelyn didn’t check in when she was supposed to have arrived. But now, with his dad’s stoically neutral expression...he knew, somehow he just _knew_ , that something bad had happened. 

“Yeah I’m here. Confirmed? 10-4. Thanks, Chris. Yeah, for sure. Indeed. Alright. Yeah I should, too. Okay. Thanks again. Talk to you tomorrow. Have a good night.” 

His dad hung up his ‘tool and looked at him, that same stoic expression still on his face. 

“What is it?” Kaidan asked, his stomach dropping in anticipation.

“Kaid…” 

_“Shit, that’s not good,”_ he thought. His dad hadn’t called him “Kaid” since he was a kid. To do so now...something had happened and his dad didn’t want to tell him. 

“Just tell me, Dad. Please. I can’t stand not knowing. What happened?” 

“I’m so sorry, Kaid,” his dad began.

Kaidan sat up straight in horror. “Sorry for what?” he asked, slowly. 

His dad stood up and moved to stand beside him. He placed a hand on his shoulder and squatted down to be at eye level with him. 

“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just come out with it,” he said, still seemingly stalling for time. 

“That’d be preferable,” Kaidan responded, his stomach tightening with fear. 

“Right.” His dad let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, Kaid, but...she’s gone.” 

Kaidan wasn’t sure what his dad was saying. “Who’s gone? What are you talking about?” 

His father closed his eyes and took a deep inhale, before meeting his gaze again. “Madelyn. She...there was mechanical failure, and - ” 

“What are you talking about?” Kaidan practically hissed at his dad, standing up suddenly. His dad straightened to keep level with him.

“The transport. The Kodiak. You know they can’t function if their eezo core goes. It seems it failed, suddenly and without warning. They weren’t able to get out any communications so they couldn’t be rescued in time. Nor did they have any navigation systems with the engine out. They...I’m so sorry, Kaidan. They crashed on Dione. There were no survivors.” 

**************************************************

Kaidan’s world turned upside down. 

Or - no, actually, _he_ was the one who’d turned upside down. He lost focus and blacked out for a moment, but when he was able to understand where he was again, he found himself on the floor of his dad’s office, his head cradled in his dad’s arms. 

He had the thought that someone was calling his name, but he couldn’t be certain. 

All he knew was that he was dying. Suffocating. He couldn’t breathe and white spots began forming in his eyes, his vision narrowing as blackness encroached on the edges. 

Air. He needed air. 

The next thing he knew he was flinging the door open to the backyard and was running outside. He managed to make it to the grass before he collapsed onto his knees, panting. 

He took in large lungfuls of air, but he still couldn’t get enough breath. Those white spots weren’t going away. 

Then, all of a sudden, he got sick. His entire dinner came back up as he heaved again and again. Soon all that was left was bile, the acidic substance burning, and then - not long after that - he just dry-heaved, coughing up nothing as his body convulsed again and again, trying to rid itself of whatever poison was causing his physical distress. 

“Kaidan?” a voice said, from far away. “Kaidan, honey, please look at me.” 

After a few minutes of hyperventilating, he recognized his mother’s voice. He sat back on his heels and managed to raise his eyes, where he saw his mom’s face. She had a worried look and tears in her eyes, which - he realized with a start - he had as well. 

He blinked to try and clear away the blurriness the tears were causing and he felt the wetness spill onto his cheeks. He was still breathing fast, like a cornered animal, but he was more in control. The feeling was coming back into his limbs and he could feel his heartbeat, which was much faster than it should have been. 

“Kaidan, breathe with me, honey,” his mom was saying. He tried to focus on her, concentrate on her words. But it was very difficult. The world was still spinning and the white spots were still there. 

And he was cold. So cold. He started shivering uncontrollably, so intense that it caused his teeth to chatter and his bones to hurt. He doubled over as the pain became stronger, clutching his arms to his chest and holding on to his elbows. He began rocking back and forth on his knees as he cradled himself, the movement an attempt to bring some heat back into his body. 

Suddenly, warmth enveloped him. His back and shoulders were covered with a blanket and thin, strong arms wrapped around him from the back, settling around his own arms, and the body pressed against his own began rocking with his. A chin rested on his shoulder and his mother’s voice spoke softly in his ear. 

“It’ll be okay, Kaidan. It’ll be okay. You’re safe, you’re secure. You’re with your father and I.” 

At that point, he heard his dad’s voice from in front of him. 

“I’m here, Kaid. We’ll get through this.” His father’s deep voice rumbled from in front of Kaidan’s chest, and he managed to open his eyes long enough to see his dad kneeling in front of him. 

“It’ll be okay, Kaidan,” his mom said again. He felt moisture on his neck and realized that his mother was crying. For him, or for her, he didn’t know. But feeling her tears brought down the wall he’d kept up around his emotions. And as he felt his heart break into a thousand pieces again, he collapsed into his mother’s arms, sobs wracking his body. 

He felt his mother’s grip tighten around him and then his dad coming closer, encircling both him and his mom in his warm embrace. His dad’s chin rested upon the top of Kaidan’s head. 

“It’s okay, Kaid, let it out. We got you,” his dad murmured. 

And Kaidan let himself scream and cry until he was hoarse. When he couldn’t form sounds anymore, he felt himself let go, and he passed out into a fitful and unrestful sleep. 

**************************************************

He woke up, disoriented and unsure of where he was. He blinked his eyes a few times, sure that he hadn’t made it home last night. 

His head pounded and his tongue was thick in his mouth, as if he were severely dehydrated. His throat was also raw and his eyes felt sticky with sleep. 

_“Just how much did I drink last night?”_ he thought, attempting to sit up but immediately lying back down when the world started spinning around him. 

He opened his eyes slowly, rubbing away the dried mucus on them. He blinked away the blurriness and realized with a start where he was - his parents’ house. He was in his childhood bedroom. Why? He wouldn’t have let himself get drunk at his parents’ house. To get _this_ hungover, he’d had to have drunk at least two bottles of liquor and he knew his parents wouldn’t understand his biotic metabolism and be overly concerned for him. 

When he thought about his parents’ concern, a nagging feeling entered the back of his head. He was so groggy though, he wasn’t sure what he was missing. 

He pulled up his omni-tool to check and see if he’d gotten any messages from Maddy while he was asleep. 

Maddy. 

As soon as he thought of her, a gigantic pain seared through him, like he’d been stabbed in the chest. 

And it all came rushing back to him. Maddy’s lack of communication, dinner with his parents, his father finding out that, that…

That. 

That Madelyn Shepard was dead. 

His breathing quickened and he felt his heartbeat begin to pick up. His skin broke out in cold sweats and he started getting more dizzy. 

He recognized the signs of the panic attack now, and he tried to do what he could to prevent it from becoming a full blown one. He remembered the breathing techniques they taught him when he’d have nightmares after Vyrnnus’ death. In for four counts, out for four counts. He tried to control his hyperventilation, knowing that managing that would be able to help him overall. 

He laid back down, holding out his arms and legs into a sort of spread eagle position, allowing the blood to flow freely throughout his limbs. He squeezed and released his muscles - a meditation technique that allowed him to focus on something besides his breathing and the panicked feeling that seemed to take root in the back of his mind. 

It’ll be okay. He’ll be okay. Everything was going to be okay. 

Except it wasn’t okay.

Not by a long shot.

Because Madelyn, _his_ Madelyn…

He started sobbing, and let his body take control at that moment. He turned over and curled into a ball on his side, grasping a pillow to his chest to give him some idea of comfort. He buried his face in the softness and allowed the tears to come, giving him the space to mourn all that he had lost. 

**************************************************

After a while, his parents came in to check on him. He had stopped crying a bit ago, but really, time had no meaning. He had no idea how long he had been in his room, or what day it was even. 

His mom sat down on the bed by his feet and his dad brought over his desk chair so he could sit beside Kaidan’s head. His mom took his hand and started rubbing her thumb over the back of it in soothing circles. 

“Brought you some water and something to eat, Kaid,” his dad said, putting a glass and plate on his nightstand. 

“I’m not hungry,” he mumbled. 

“Kaidan,” his mom admonished. “You have to eat.” 

“No I don’t,” he said, stubbornly. 

“Think of the migraine you’ll get if you don’t,” she reminded him gently. 

“I don’t care,” Kaidan retorted. “Just leave me alone.” 

“Kaidan,” his dad began in that voice that Kaidan knew meant he was trying really hard not to lecture his son. “I know she was important to you, but - ”

“You have no idea,” Kaidan interrupted, though without passion. “You have _no idea_ what she meant to me.” 

His parents were silent for a few moments, and he knew that meant they were having one of those wordless conversations they did sometimes when they didn’t want him to know what they were discussing. 

Finally, his mom spoke. 

“Then explain.” 

The callback to those words from his first conversation with Maddy broke his resolve, and he started sobbing again. His mother moved closer and started stroking the back of his head. 

“Shh,” she said, soothingly. “It’s okay.” 

“You don’t understand, Ma,” he said through his sobs. “She wasn’t just ‘important’ to me. I loved her.” 

He saw his dad glance at his mom and knew they were sharing a look. 

“I know it sounds crazy, and I know I didn’t really know her, but...I don’t know. She just brought out this side of me that I didn’t even know I had. She understood me like no one else did. And now, _now_ …” he stopped speaking as emotion closed his throat. 

His mother’s grip tightened on him. “I understand,” she said. “I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through, not to have someone then getting them back, only for them to be taken away like that. But you have to eat. You have to take care of yourself.” 

“Why?” he asked flatly.

“Think of Madelyn,” his dad spoke up gently. “Do you think she’d like to see you like this?” 

When Kaidan kept quiet, his dad continued. “Your mom and I don’t exactly know what happened when you came back from BAaT, but we know she helped you get out of your depression. And even when she wasn’t literally in your life anymore, I think the fact that there was another biotic - one who was proving to be successful, even with the odds against her - out in the world helped you realize you weren’t doomed to failure, that your biotics weren’t a death sentence. She let you live, Kaidan, and for that, we will always be thankful.” 

He fell silent for a moment and Kaidan considered his father’s words. Although he never thought about it that way, Madelyn was a sort of proof that biotics _could_ have a decent life, even if all of his experiences up until the point when he met her proved the opposite. He thought biotics meant he couldn’t ever have a normal life. But Madelyn proved him wrong. 

About so many things, actually. 

His dad spoke up again. “Do you think, after going through all that effort to bring you back to life, she’d want you to throw it all away?” 

He glared at his dad, but still refused to think. 

His mom took up the mantle. “We’re not saying you aren’t allowed to mourn; of course you are, Kaidan. Especially if she - ” 

His mother faltered, and Kaidan shifted ever so slightly toward her, in a subconscious act of comfort. His mother was probably sad she had died, too. 

“If you loved her, Kaidan. The best way to show that is to take care of yourself. Don’t let what she worked so hard to keep going end. If you think she loved you too, don’t throw that away by suffering. Your health is important. And I think she’d want you to take care of yourself.” 

His mom stopped talking then, and his dad stayed silent as well. 

Kaidan considered their words. 

“I...I can’t. Not yet. Now please, leave me alone,” he said. He turned away from them and buried his face in his pillow. 

He heard his dad sigh as he stood up and moved the desk chair back to its home. He felt his mom stand up from her spot on the bed and heard his bedroom door slide open and then closed, indicating their departure. 

He sighed himself, then rolled over to face the door. He noticed his parents left the water and sandwich, but he didn’t reach for them. 

There was no point. 

**************************************************

He must have fallen asleep again. When he woke up it was dark outside and his head was pounding. Great. He knew he’d get a migraine, but still. That didn’t make it any less painful. 

He forced himself to sit up and drink some of the water that was left on his nightstand. The glass had ice in it, which told him his parents had come in and replaced it while he’d been sleeping. He let out a small snort as he noticed his migraine meds were left by the glass, too. 

At least they didn’t try to wake him up and force him to eat again. 

He unscrewed the top of the pill container and popped the extra-strength painkillers. They didn’t do a lot to stop the migraine, but they tended to help it not get any worse. 

“Serves you right, you know,” a voice that he knew was in his head spoke from his desk. 

That didn’t stop him from whipping his head toward the location, causing the edges of his sight to blur and blackout a bit with the pain. 

“Madelyn?” he asked hoarsely. 

She inclined her head slightly and smiled. “What do you think?” 

“I’m hallucinating,” he said. “Side effect of the migraine?” 

“Possibly. Or your dehydration. Or a combination of both,” not-Madelyn answered. 

He sat up taller and drank the glass of water down in one go. He then tipped his head back so it rested against the wall. The impact was slightly painful, but it actually lessened the pressure in his head a bit. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked. 

“You know what I’m doing here,” she said, crossing her arms and shooting him a glare. 

He closed his eyes as the pounding in his head started to intensify again. 

“I don’t,” he muttered. “Know, that is.” 

She must have been a hallucination, because even though his eyes were closed, he saw her roll her own at him. 

“Why aren’t you taking care of yourself, Kaidan?” she asked. 

“Not worth it,” he murmured, keeping his head back against the wall. 

“Why not?” she asked. 

“No reason to live.” 

“Excuse me?” she asked. At the venom in her words, he lifted his head and opened his eyes. “Do you really think you don’t have a reason to live? Are we back on this?” 

“What?” he asked, getting slightly angry. 

“Good,” she murmured. “Don’t you think there are a lot of things to live for? You just graduated college, you have parents, you have aspirations and job prospects. You have _so much_ to live for.” 

“But without you...it doesn’t matter. Without you, there’s no one to share my successes with. No one will know me and love me the way you did.” 

At her silence, he looked at her. “You did love me, didn’t you?” 

And he knew she was in his head, that she was just a figment of his imagination, but when she spoke, it was the sweetest sound he’d ever heard. 

“I did,” she said. 

“But that’s why I want you to take care of yourself, dumbass,” she continued. “I want you to _live_ , Kaidan. For me. I have no family, hardly any friends. You're the only person who cared about me. If you’re gone, who will miss me? Who would carry on my legacy? I’d just disappear, returned to dust and ashes, no one the wiser that I even existed.” 

“I’d know you existed,” he said quietly. 

“Not if you aren’t around.” 

He considered her words, wondering at their implication. It was true. She _had_ no friends or family, not really. If he was to cease to exist, _she’d_ cease to exist. 

And he couldn’t let that happen. 

Slowly, as if he was fighting himself the whole way, he reached over to the plate sitting on his nightstand and grabbed the sandwich. As he took a small bite, Madelyn smiled, then disappeared from view. 

Tears tracked down his face, but he kept eating. 

There was a giant hole in his heart and he thought it’d take him a long time before he’d be able to smile again, but he’d do it. He’d survive, for her. 

No. He’d do more than that. He’d _thrive_ for her, he’d _live_ for her. He’d be her legacy. 

He sighed as he swallowed another bite of the sandwich. As much as he didn't want to, he knew the idea that took hold in his head wouldn't ever let him go. That there was only one thing that would ever allow him to make some sense of her death.

He knew what he had to do. 

* * *

**Six Months Later**

Kaidan was standing on the presidium of Arcturus Station with the rest of the graduates from the Alliance’s Officer Candidates School. They were in the small break between the parade and the pinning ceremony, so he and his fellow just-commissioned officers were mingling with the VIP guests and their friends and family. 

He fidgeted with his sleeves, making sure they were rolled correctly. He was nervous being back in uniform. Although he hadn’t completely forgiven the Alliance for all they did to him and his fellow candidates from BAaT, he owed it to _her_ to pick up where she left off, to advocate for biotics from within. Because as much as his efforts working outside the Alliance might help biotics in the future, there were ones that needed help _now_. And without Madelyn...well. Their fight just got that much harder. 

So he decided to do what he could to help protect her legacy. And that meant putting what happened with him and the Alliance behind him enough to become a commissioned officer. It was tough, and there were many times he wanted to quit, but his training hadn’t truly left him. And honestly, throwing himself back into the strict regimen kept him from drowning in his grief. 

It’s just...now that graduation was upon them, it had all become so _real_. 

His father placed a hand on his shoulder. “Doing okay, Kaidan?” 

He nodded, his chest tightening. He cleared his throat. “I miss her,” he said quietly. 

“I know,” his dad said, squeezing his shoulder. “But she’d be proud of you. We all are.” 

“Very proud, Kaidan,” his mom said, kissing him on the cheek. 

Kaidan forced a smile. “Thanks, guys. I appreciate it. I’m...still not sure I’m doing the right thing. It feels strange.” 

“What’s your gut telling you?” his dad asked. 

“That this is what I should be doing. In my heart I know it’s right, it’s not only the right thing for her, it’s the right thing for all those biotics BAaT failed. But in my head, sometimes I just can’t get past the fact that the Alliance is _why_ she died.” He was speaking quietly so as not to be overheard by the other graduates and their families. 

“You know that’s not fair,” his mom said, also speaking softly. “The Alliance saved her life. While it was the reason she was on that transport, the mechanical failure was a freak accident. It’s no one’s fault.” 

Kaidan closed his eyes as tears threatened to fill them. He took a deep breath before opening them again. “I know, you’re right, Ma. It just still gets hard thinking of her sometimes.” 

His mom squeezed his hand in understanding. 

The signal sounded indicating all graduates needed to line up for the pinning. Kaidan straightened his posture and took another breath. 

“Ready?” his dad asked. 

“Yeah,” Kaidan said, nodding. 

His parents smiled as they walked with him onto the stage. 

* * *

Madelyn Shepard watched as Mr. and Mrs. Alenko accompanied Kaidan onto the stage for his pinning as a Second Lieutenant. She kept to the shadows, blending in with the back wall of the presidium. She shouldn’t be there, but she had to see for herself. When she heard that Kaidan had joined OCS...she honestly couldn’t believe it.

But she saw his name on the intake form. Even then, though, she thought it was some sort of mistake, or that he wouldn’t be in the mental place to complete training. 

She smirked. She shouldn’t have doubted him. She knew once he put his mind to something, he completed it. And it seemed that he was determined to graduate OCS. No, not graduate. Thrive. Go above and beyond. Kaidan graduated at the top of his class and would have his choice of assignments. She was honestly quite proud of him. 

She was too far away to hear his name called, but she saw Mr. and Mrs. Alenko step up to his shoulders, pinning the bars on his collar. 

“He did good, didn’t he?” a voice said beside her. She didn’t turn to acknowledge him, instead choosing to keep her focus on Kaidan, who was getting his first salute from an enlisted member. Madelyn had no idea who the corpsman was, but smiled as she saw Kaidan hand over his token. 

“I’m proud of him, that’s for damn sure,” she told the man standing next to her. After the ceremony moved on to the next officer, she turned to look at him. “To what do I owe the pleasure, Harper?” 

“New assignment for you,” he said, taking a drag on a cigarette. She raised an eyebrow as he handed over a datapad. 

She placed her thumbprint on the screen to open up the encrypted data. After skimming through it, she raised both eyebrows. 

“You serious?” 

“The batarians need to be handled. And this seems to be what HQ decided would be the best course of action.” At Madelyn’s continued silence, Jack Harper glanced at her. “Hey don’t look at me. I’m just the middle man.” 

“You’re my handler, Harper. I’d expect you to handle me...better,” she responded. 

Jack chuckled at that, taking another drag from his cigarette. “I only have your best interests in mind, Shepard.” He glanced at the newly commissioned officers before turning to her again. “Take care. And stay focused.” He dropped the butt on the ground, stamping it out with his foot before picking it up and pocketing it. “Talk to you soon, Shepard.” 

Madelyn just sighed, pulling up the intel again. When she agreed to be put in deep cover, she didn’t think she’d have to do _this_. Then again, this was what she signed up for, wasn’t it? Steeling her resolve, she allowed herself one last look at Kaidan before turning away to head back to her apartment and start learning her new identity. 

“Congratulations, Kaidan,” she said quietly, smiling softly. “I knew you could do it.” 

* * *

Kaidan & Madelyn - Four Years Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed my first entry into MEBB! Thanks for reading my little story! <3
> 
> And thanks again to MaxRev and LauraEMoriarty


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